CATHIE H. IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: This is for "Jack's Grandpa" (April 2), whose wife is afraid wearing pink will cause their baby grandson to turn into a cross-dresser. Relax! My aunt desperately wanted a baby girl, but to her disappointment, she had a baby boy. She kept that kid in frilly dresses with ruffles and his hair long and in curls until he was 4!

He grew up to be a fine young man. He did his service in Vietnam, married and raised a family. Of course, the rest of the family accepted his mother's "eccentricities," and no one ridiculed or poked fun at him. If a pink blanket is the worst thing that kid ever has to contend with in his life, they should all be grateful. -- CATHIE H. IN CALIFORNIA

Oh where to begin Cathie?

Everyone under the age of 70 knows that dressing a young boy in pink clothes won't make him a cross-dresser. But it will make him gay.

Just kidding (I think).

Dressing your little boy in medical scrubs won't make him an anesthesiologist and a miniature pants suit on your infant daughter won't turn her into an empowered female attorney.

But let's suppose for some reason those pink cashmere sweaters your aunt dressed her son in actually turned him into a cross-dresser. Let's say he still served in Vietnam, married and raised a family--but liked to wear pink nighties in the privacy of his own home.

Yes, it's a little odd, but is it the end of the world? Does it negate everything else he's accomplished?

Haven't you heard the stories about J. Edgar Hoover? Or seen Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani decked out in women's clothes on Saturday Night Live? Or those skirts all of Mel Gibson's army wore in Braveheart?

Women can wear men's dress shirts and it's sexy. Men wear women's bras and it's... okay, it's silly. But there's nothing technically wrong with it other than it not being remotely sexy.

If your aunt really wanted a girl, she should have pushed for a more aggressive circumcision.

Your advice, readers?

FURIOUS IN VANCOUVER, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Dustin," has finally decided to marry his live-in girlfriend of four years, "Cameron." They are now planning their wedding, which will take place in four months.

My mother has just informed me that Dustin and Cameron have decided that their wedding will be "adults only" except for Dustin's son. (The boy is 8.) Abby, my brother didn't even have the courage to call me up and inform me of this.

I feel that since it will be an informal, small family event -- fewer than 20 people -- my two children should be allowed to attend. (They are 8 and 3.) Am I being unreasonable? I feel if there is a "no kids" rule, then there should be no kids -- period.

My husband has refused to attend unless our children are included. Should I go alone or not attend? -- FURIOUS IN VANCOUVER, WASH.

You think your brother didn't have the "courage" to call you? No, he's wisely avoiding yet another earful of judgment from his sister who barely registers emotion that he's "finally" marrying his "live-in girlfriend." Couldn't you just say "girlfriend"? That "live-in" part is so transparently judgmental.

I'm sure you've absolutely grilled him over the fact that he's not married to the mother of his son too.

Your kids are 8 and 3? Trust me, they don't want to attend a wedding. They might beg to go and cry because you're not bringing them, but no one enjoys wedding ceremonies--why should small children be the exception?

Your husband is refusing to attend, secretly hoping that the rule is inflexible and he can appear to courageously stand by his principles and babysit the kids. Clearly he doesn't want to attend the wedding either and will make up some blustery moral outrage to avoid going. Congratulations, you're feeding into it instead of demanding your husband act like an adult.

You ask if you should go alone or not at all. My advice is to do your brother a huge favor and stay home with your childish husband and your kids who would rather not be there anyway. Think of it as a much appreciated wedding gift to your brother.

Your advice, readers?

MS. "D" IN GARLAND, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My thanks to "Lauren in Cave Creek, Ariz." (March 19) for raising the subject of concert etiquette. It's one of those awkward subjects because everyone knows there is a proper way to do it, but no one knows what the proper way is.

When attending a concert, look carefully at your program. Often it will indicate where to clap. If not, determine how the musical pieces are arranged. Are they in sets of two or three pieces? If so, clap after the set is completed, NOT after each individual piece. The pieces in a set were arranged to flow one into the other. Clapping breaks the flow and mood the composer was trying to convey.

And while we're on the subject of concert manners: As a musician and music teacher, I attend many concerts every year, and I'm appalled at the number of people who talk in the middle of a musical number. Whispering to your neighbor between pieces is fine, but talking during a musical number at a concert or dance recital (or during an act of a play or musical) is a big no-no! Please get the word out, Abby. This is something everyone should know. -- MS. "D" IN GARLAND, TEXAS

Oh, Ms. "D", thank you for giving people one more reason not to attend any sort of performing arts. It's bad enough most people aren't sure if they'll enjoy classical music concerts, but knowing that they'll be surrounded by judgmental prigs like yourself is sure to keep them away.

Also, since all those guys like Beethoven, Mozart and whoever wrote "Kill the Wabbit" are dead, I don't think they'll mind if someone "breaks the flow and mood" of their "pieces." Weren't they playing those songs on clavichords in royal parlors wearing powdered wigs? Times have changed. Don't start waving the self-righteous banner of propriety just because an audience wants to show the performers they're enjoying themselves.

But I think you're more concerned with the properly smug way to appreciate music than the actual music itself. So please keep driving people away with your etiquette lessons for the Neanderthals in the seat next to you. You'll have your dream world where no one claps or talks at your concerts because no one but snobs like you will be there to "appreciate" it.

I'm sure all the dead composers and unemployed musicians will appreciate your vigilance for the arts.

Your advice, readers?

PROUD MOM IN HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: My youngest son was married in Las Vegas five weeks ago. We told him and his wife that we'd have the wedding reception at our home, and we're planning to do so.

At this same time, my husband and I have bought a new home, and we'd like to share it with our friends as well. We would like to do both on the same day.

I want to convey to our guests that no gifts are expected for the reception, as many do not know my son, and at our age, no housewarming gift is needed either. How do I tactfully let them know this, and is it all right to do both parties on the same day and make it casual with outside eating? -- PROUD MOM IN HOUSTON

It's just this type of overbearing mothering that made your son run off to Vegas to avoid letting you dictate the terms of his wedding. Fortunately for you, you can now force him to have a reception at your house where his matrimonial union can take backseat to showing off your new house. The fact that your son doesn't know any of these people highlights your self-centered, controlling parenting style.

Hey, why not make the whole day about you? Maybe you could force your son and new daughter-in-law to give guided tours of your new home. Or they could serve drinks at the bar.

What are you more proud of, your son or your new house?

I think it's totally appropriate to have both events on the same day. Not only will everyone be uneasy trying to figure out exactly what event they're attending, they'll have to figure out which event to bring gifts for. No matter how tactfully (and I'm sure you're full of tact) you mention not to bring gifts, most sane people will bring a wedding gift to a wedding reception, regardless of how well they know the couple. That's the arrangement: you provide free food and hopefully free booze, they give the newlyweds a set of glass tumblers from Crate and Barrel.

So if you're having a reception AND housewarming, they'll feel awkward just bringing a wedding gift and will also get a little knick-knack for the house. Which, come to think of it, is probably exactly what you're hoping for. Methinks the Proud Mom protests a tad bit too much.

Lastly, "casual with outside eating" sounds like something you'd read in the craigslist personals. You live in Texas, just call it a barbecue.

Your advice, readers?

RICHARD IN CORSICANA, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My dad's first wife, "Peggy," got pregnant while he was overseas in World War II. When he came home, he divorced her and tried without success to get custody of their two kids. Peggy went on to have three more kids out of wedlock with three different men. She had sex in front of the kids, misspent their child support money -- you name it. She also put Dad's name on all of their birth certificates.

All of this came out when Dad sued her over child support, and it's recorded in court transcripts. Peggy told all the kids that he was their dad, turned his own two kids against him and generally made his life hell.

Dad married my mom after his divorce and was a great husband and father up until his death. I recently found out that the illegitimate kids have been using my dad's name to establish false legitimacy and respectability all their lives. Should I confront them and ask them to stop? Their mother died last year. -- RICHARD IN CORSICANA, TEXAS

WTF? Is this a re-printed column from last century? Not just the whole World War II time frame, but "false legitimacy and respectability"? Should they live lives of shame because their mother got knocked up by a bunch of guys--your dad included? You want to penalize people for the crime of being born out of wedlock?

Let me break this down for you Richard (may I call you Dick?). World War II was a friggin' long time ago. The little baby boom your dad's first wife had most likely took place in the 40's or 50's. That puts these "illegitimate kids" somewhere shy of retirement age.

Instead of being such a Richard about it, why not just open a phone book and look at all the people who have the same last name as you (I'd request you google it, but you seem more like a Yellow Pages type guy).

Quit trying to turn your life into some sort of epic Shakespearean drama about a fight for legitimacy. Don't forget that you're only hearing one side of the story. Just because your dad said a bunch of things that ended up in court transcripts, doesn't mean those things happened.

Leave these people alone, or better yet, start golfing with them. If you really want to punish them for capitalizing on your father's precious name, just force them to spend a few hours with his legitimate offspring--who also happens to be 100% bastard.

Your advice, readers?

DAVE IN MARSHALL, WIS.

Like "Fine, Thank You in Gastonia, N.C." (March 23), I, too, was annoyed when people greeted me with the mindless, "How are you?" "How ya doin'?" etc., which required me to respond to someone who clearly had no interest in a real response. (I understand their feigned interest is more automatic than rude.)

So, I make a game of it. Unlike the greeter who blurts out the salutation without thinking, I listen and am prepared with several responses. For "How ya doin'?" I answer, "Not so good. My wife and oldest son and I just got out of three months in rehab for peanut butter addiction. I was a two-jar-a-day man myself. My boy had it even worse -- three jars of the hard stuff, crunchy!"

When asked, "What's up?" I'm inclined to respond, "My blood pressure, cholesterol and body mass index!" -- DAVE IN MARSHALL, WIS.

Oh, Dave, you must be a riot at the checkout stand at the grocery store! I'd love to get stuck behind you in line at Starbucks just to hear your hilarious repartee with those rude imbeciles who have the audacity to informally ask how you're doing. But you've outsmarted them! Peanut butter addiction! That'll show 'em.

I think it's safe to classify you as a total douche bag, but a rare breed of douche bag that actually thinks he's somehow enlightening those around him by pointing out their unsophisticated shortcomings. I'm sure you also have some side-splitting comebacks when someone uses "Can I..?" instead of "May I..?" Or when, hypocritically, you ask someone how they're doing and they respond with "Good" instead of "Well."

Why not do what every sane person does and just respond, "Fine, thanks." You're right, no one cares how you're really doing, especially after your two-jar-a-day riposte, but can't you give someone a little credit for trying? Isn't it a little much to ask every person you encounter to actually care about you?

Let's face it, the real reason you hate the question is because you wish they would care. But caring doesn't come easy for most people. And the more you act like a nimrod, the less likely they are to care.

So next time someone asks you "What's up?" Simply reply, "The stick up my a**."

Your advice, readers?

RACHEL IN PHILADELPHIA

A couple of weeks ago, some friends and I visited a family friend's niece who had recently had a baby girl. While we were visiting, we noticed that the baby was hungry.

Being a good mom, the new mother unbuttoned her shirt, took off her bra, and breast-fed the baby right in front of us. Abby, was it right or wrong of her to expose her breasts in front of visitors when breast-feeding the child? -- RACHEL IN PHILADELPHIA

Why is it that some people associate any type of nakedness with lewdness? As if a mom breastfeeding in her home is the same thing as some creepy guy flashing his johnson to kids in the park. It's not like this mom was flashing her vagina at you to show where the baby came out.

So your poor eyes had to see a set of naked breasts. Wasn't there time to avert your eyes sometime during the unbuttoning of the shirt and removal of the bra? It's not like you had to stare--actually, it might be a bit creepy if you did.

Clearly the mom was comfortable breastfeeding among family friends. If you were uneasy, look the other way, go help out in the kitchen, or make some sort of comment to make the breastfeeding mother self-conscious. Something like, "Wow, those jugs look like they'd have plenty/not much milk in them." Or, "What's your estimate on the number of ounces of milk per mammary?" And if you really want to make sure it never happens again, simply take the seat next to the mother and say in a very ambiguous tone: "I've always wondered what breast milk tastes like..."

Your advice, readers?

LOU IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

Years ago, my son's longtime playmate, "Timmy," killed the guppies in our aquarium. I spoke to the boy and heard his lame excuse that "he just felt like doing it." I was sadly remiss and let other things take my attention, so I didn't mention the incident to Timmy's parents. Years later, Timmy took a gun to school and killed his teacher "because he felt like doing it." If only he had gotten help before that fatal action left an innocent family without a parent.

Please keep pounding home the importance of seeing early warning signs and getting good help for these troubled children. -- LOU IN AUSTIN, TEXAS

You have blood on your hands, Lou! Blood! On your hands!

Oh, wait, that's just ketchup from the guppy sandwich you're eating. Get a napkin already.

I never really know whether or not to buy stories like yours. They always seem a little too pat, a little too perfect. I'm sure there were other, less dramatic situations when "Timmy" used the same excuse. A few examples:

Why did he rent "Little Man" at the video store? Because he felt like doing it.

Why did he put the empty box of cereal back in the cupboard? Because he felt like doing it.

Why did he wait until getting inside the car with all the windows rolled before expelling a particularly offensive fart? Because he felt-- you get the idea.

What disturbs me most about your made-up story is the bizarre underlying sense of retribution. As if the teacher got shot for not noticing the warning signs. Enough with your emotionally packed lies that shift the blame to the victim--tell your son's friends to stop killing the guppies already!

Your advice, readers?

WORRIED IN LOUISIANA

I am 28 and have a wonderful 3-year-old daughter. When I was 12, my older cousin, who was 16 at the time, fondled me, thinking I was asleep. I said nothing about it and neither did he.

That was 16 years ago. A couple of weeks ago we had sex, and now I am pregnant. Should I lie to my family about who the father is? -- WORRIED IN LOUISIANA

First of all, let me say I think your letter is a hoax. But let's assume it's not...

Just so I understand the problem correctly, you are pregnant by a cousin who molested you 16 years ago. Perhaps fondling means something else in Louisiana. Maybe he felt you up over your blouse--sorry, overalls. Whatever he did, it wasn't terrible enough to make you revile him enough to avoid hooking up with him in adulthood (I'm assuming at a family reunion--a hotbed for Louisiana casual sex encounters).

Oh, the intense sexual frustration that must have been brewing between the two of you for the past 16 years, y'all.

Fortunately for your 3-year-old, a quick googling of the internets (no, not what happened to you 16 years ago) reveals that marriage to your first cousin is illegal in Louisiana. At least you won't be able to marry your cousin and compound this error--unless you hop the border to open-minded Texas for a quick civil union. The downside? You've just doubled your daycare expenses as a single mom.

Should you lie to your family about the father? Yes. Will they eventually discover the truth? Yes. Should you still lie about it now? If you don't, it will seem like you're proud of this relationship. You need to bury this secret into some shameful corner of your life and never look back until you're forced to confront it, shattering many lives in the process. Or you could shatter lives now--the choice is yours.

Your advice, readers?

PROTECTIVE WIFE IN SANTA CLARA, CALIF.

Is it harmful for someone to practice golf swings right after breakfast? I'm talking about leaving the breakfast table and heading outside to the back yard and starting practice. The way I see it, swings exert a lot of effort. Swinging a club for 15 to 20 minutes could do damage to the internal organs, right? To say the least, I don't think it helps the digestion.

The "someone" I'm writing about is my husband. He plays golf almost weekly. The only time he doesn't play is when he is away on a business trip. I'm 100 percent behind him playing golf because it's good for his health. I just don't think that practicing any sport right after a meal is appropriate.

I brought this up with him, but he keeps saying that it's the only time he can practice. My argument is: Not being able to do it at some other time doesn't mean that one should do it at the WRONG time.

Please enlighten me on this. If I'm convinced that it won't do my husband any harm, I'll shut up. -- PROTECTIVE WIFE IN SANTA CLARA, CALIF.

Your poor, poor husband. I doubt you'll "shut up" because I don't think it's in your nature. You'll find something else to complain about before he has time to replace his divots (hey, why not harp on him about not replacing divots in the backyard!).

First of all, you need to understand that your husband leaves the breakfast table to swing golf clubs--not because it's the only time he has to practice--but because he needs an excuse to get away from your nagging. You worry about his digestion. Instead, be happy that he's diverting his pent up hostility into sport.

The truth is, you don't like the fact that he leaves the table without talking to you. You can't blame golf--since I'm guessing you've already nagged him about exercising--so you grasp for straws and come up with some lame digestive excuse. People eat WHILE golfing, so I don't think digestion is a serious concern. Unless he's diving into a water hazard for stray balls, you don't need to impose any sort of 15 minute limit.

You should, on the other hand, impose a limit on the petty things you nag him about. If that's impossible, you should really go all the way. Go outside with him and offer helpful advice on his golf swing. You may want to point out the status of some of his shots. "Sliced that one." "Did you mean to miss the ball?" "Ohh, bladed it."

I guarantee he'll stop golfing after breakfast.

Your advice, readers?

JERSEY GIRL (NOT MY LEGAL NAME)

This is in response to "Confuzzled in Florida" (March 24), regarding parents who give their children one name but demand they be called something different.

I am an administrative assistant in an elementary school in New Jersey, and I have encountered the same problem with parents who register their children for kindergarten.

I must check the child's original birth certificate to verify the birthday and to ensure that he or she is registered under his or her legal name and that it's spelled correctly.

Abby, I've had parents tell me that "Little Johnny" does not know that "Franklin" is his legal name, and I should register him as "Little Johnny." I then have to explain to the parent that we DO have to register him as "Franklin" because that's the name he'll have to learn to write in kindergarten, as it's his legal name. I also explain that when "Franklin" starts school, he can tell his teacher he prefers "Little Johnny" and can then be called whatever name he chooses in the class.

I advise parents to make sure the child knows what his or her legal name is before starting kindergarten. This is the name that will appear on all records throughout the school years. -- JERSEY GIRL (NOT MY LEGAL NAME)

Who to side with? Overindulgent parents who demand the rules bend to accommodate their whims? Or wonkish educational administrators? Jeer Abby is perplexed.

It's perfectly understandable parents would want to change their children's name when attending Jersey public schools. I'm just surprised it's only the first name they want changed.

But just because kids have to register with their legal name shouldn't mean that's the name they'll learn to write in Kindergarten. It's not like these kids are opening checking accounts or drafting wills. I'm sure crayola scribbles resembling "Little Johnny" with an adorable backwards "e" will be just fine for passing Kindergarten--or most public high schools, for that matter.

When parents try to legally register their kids with nicknames, cheerfully ask the parent: "How about if I register your son as "Numb Nuts" since that what all of his classmates call him?"

Your advice, readers?

THINKING AHEAD IN SYRACUSE

I'm 20 and engaged to a wonderful guy I'll call "Tom." There is only one thing that worries me. Tom's family isn't the best with money, and he doesn't have much money right now. I don't want to be deeply in debt when we're married, and I'm also worried that I will have to be the one with a "head for money." (I'm not. I was overdrawn last year.)

It seems ridiculous to think that money could get in the way of love, but my parents divorced because of financial problems. How can I work this out with Tom before it gets to be a problem? What's the right approach? -- THINKING AHEAD IN SYRACUSE

Wow. You were in debt last year, your fiance is genetically incapable of making sound financial choices, you're planning a wedding--but you still consider yourself "Thinking Ahead."

Let's not forget your own parents divorced because of financial problems. I'm assuming the problem wasn't that they had too much money and couldn't agree on how to spend it all.

You're 20 years old! You can't even legally walk into a bar. Yet somehow your love for "Tom" will overcome the fact that neither of you are equipped to manage your money. Are you purposely trying to make the same mistakes as your parents? Or are you hoping to outdo them?

Look at it this way: you blame his family for not being good with money when your own parents divorced over finances. You're worried that he doesn't have much money when you were overdrawn last year. You turn your problems into his problems. If financial mismanagement doesn't ruin your ill-advised marriage, I'm sure your blameless judgments will at least make both of you completely miserable.

If you were thinking ahead, you'd just file for bankruptcy and divorce right now and skip the wedding.

Your advice, readers?

ANOTHER MOM IN THE NORTH

After reading the letter from "Anonymous in the North" (March 12), I had to write. I, too, have suffered a miscarriage. Not only did I mourn the loss of my pregnancy, but I was also afraid I'd never be able to have any children.

"Anonymous" should know that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. If she talks with other women, she'll see she's not alone in her suffering. Sharing her story with others who have been through the same thing may help her ease the pain she's feeling.

Nine months after my miscarriage I became pregnant again with my son. The happiest moment of my life was when I saw his heartbeat on an ultrasound and was later able to hold him in my arms. I am now the happy mother of three.

Please extend my sympathies to "Anonymous," and tell her not to give up hope. -- ANOTHER MOM IN THE NORTH

Jeer Abby has no where to go with this one. What am I going to do, rip into someone recovering from a miscarriage?

When Abby posts one of these public service announcements disguised as a column, it leaves me no choice but to resort to finding amusing videos on the internets depicting what could happen if you do have kids and they end up watching breakdancers in Times Square.

Your advice, readers?

STRIPPED OF MY PRIDE

Ten years ago when I was in college, I worked briefly as a topless dancer to pay my rent. I am not proud of it, and frankly, I try to forget it ever happened.

I am now married and have young children. My husband knows about my past and doesn't judge me. We have an agreement -- we just pretend it never happened. Of course, nothing has been said to our children or other family members, and we do not plan to say anything.

I have a friend from college, "Nancy," with whom I get together once or twice a year. We recently had her over. Out of the blue, Nancy looked at my 2-year-old daughter and said, "Did you know your mommy used to be a stripper?" Then she laughed. I was stunned. I let out a nervous laugh and stammered, "Uhh ... I try to forget I ever did that." She laughed and repeated her comment to my child!

Nancy is the last person I would have expected to say something like that. It wasn't meant maliciously, but I don't know why she said it. Maybe it was just a joke that turned out incredibly not funny. She has no children, so maybe she doesn't realize how impressionable a 2-year-old is.

My husband wasn't in the room when it happened. When I told him about it a few days later, he was very upset. He said I need to address this with her before we get together again. He says if I don't, he will.

I feel that we don't see Nancy often enough for this to be an issue. I couldn't believe she said it in the first place, but I can't believe she'll do it again. Of course, I'd be horrified if she did. What do I do? -- STRIPPED OF MY PRIDE

If you've got a body nice enough to strip, what's not to be proud of? Of course, that was ten years ago--things sag.

Your topless days aside, your problem is your old college chum. What a piece of work that "Nancy" is. I don't like her, but more than that, I don't like your approach to handling her. Life isn't a lapdance--it's okay to rub someone the wrong way.

Do you remember anything your parent's friends told you about your parents when you were 2? Hopefully your 2-year-old doesn't know what a stripper is yet so the exchange will disappear if you don't let Nancy bring it up again. But I promise you, she will.

Do you really believe Nancy didn't mean it maliciously? I think Nancy knew it would upset and humiliate you. And then she laughed. I hate her. You must talk to her about it, letting her know you never want her to tell your children about your stripper days. But I promise you, if you are friends with Nancy in 15 years, she'll somehow let it slip to your teenage daughter. And laugh. It's all a joke! She just thought it was funny! I mean, you, a stripper! HAHAHAHA!

I've given this advice before and I will again. You must ruthlessly cut Nancy out of your life forever. She's trouble. Unless you want more trouble, skip your annual visits for a few years, replacing them with insincere emails where all you do is talk about your kids. That'll keep her away.

You're not stripped of your pride for taking your clothes off to pay for that course on Descartes. But you turn your pride into the flossy end of a g-string when you don't stand up to your passive aggressive frenemy.

Your advice, readers?

LOST IN BRONX, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a horrible marriage for eight years. My husband, "Greg," has a lot of problems from his childhood and has a hard time being in a relationship. I have recently learned that he was raped by a family member when he was a little boy. He seems to be in denial, and claims it didn't happen.

In any case, I have had a feeling lately that Greg is attracted to men and may be having some kind of a fling with a guy. This guy is supposed to be a business associate, but he calls my husband constantly and has shown up at our house at 12:30 at night. Greg refused to answer the door, but texted him and lied to me about it. I feel like he doesn't want me to meet this guy.

How would I be able to tell if this is happening? Greg certainly won't tell me. -- LOST IN BRONX, N.Y.

You might argue that the science isn't really in on this, but Jeer Abby doesn't believe being raped as a child makes you gay. It can ruin all your future relationships if you're in denial (horrible 8 year marriage anyone?).

There's nothing wrong with being gay--unless you're married to a member of the opposite sex.

Obviously you think he's gay or you wouldn't have given him such a gay alias. "Greg"? Why not just say: "My handlebar moustachioed husband "Greg" who likes Broadway musicals and keeps the house meticulously clean, especially his closet filled with stylish clothes, was raped."

Another thing that makes a heterosexual marriage horrible? When your husband is gay.

I'd mention something to him along the lines of, "If that was a woman coming unannounced at 12:30, I'd think you were having an affair..." Then quickly add: "On second thought, I wouldn't, because you're gay."

See if that trips him up.

This may seem rash, but I would simply end your marriage as quickly and financially beneficial as possible. Six months after the papers are signed, you'll have an answer to the gay question when you see which fine young man your ex-husband is dating.

Your advice, readers?

TROOPER'S WIFE IN NEW YORK

I'm writing in response to the letter from "Reader in the East" (March 21), asking what to give someone who has just graduated from the police academy. Abby, the patron saint of police officers and law enforcement is St. Michael, not St. Christopher!

Another thoughtful gift would be a charm of the trooper's shield with his badge number on it. I gave my husband a small replica of his shield with his number on the front and a message of love and safety on the back. He never goes out the door without his "good luck shield." He says that it and his bulletproof vest are the best protection he has. (He also has a St. Michael's medal, and wears it as well.) -- TROOPER'S WIFE IN NEW YORK

Who knew there was a patron saint of law enforcement? Who cares if it's St. Michael or St. Christopher since both sound a little G-A-Y. Aren't saints former Catholic clergy? In that case, both sound a little P-E-D- Oh, never mind.

My point is that being a cop is a pretty macho job, assuming the TV show COPS is a more accurate portrayal than Reno 911. Even if you split the difference, I can't imagine a cop who is about to bust through a door with armed drug dealers inside is thinking, "Got my kevlar vest? Check. Got my St. Michael's shield? Check."

It's a dangerous job and maybe these little charms give the illusion of safety (to the person giving them). But illusions of safety are no replacement for the real thing. False comfort is no comfort at all.

I promise not to make any jokes about the patron saint of Krispy Kremes if you please tell me who the patron saint of getting out of speeding tickets is.

Your advice, readers?

QUESTIONING IN OKLAHOMA

This may seem like a dumb question, but I really need to know the answer. Can you get pregnant when your breasts are still underdeveloped?

My boyfriend says you can't, but I need to know for sure. I'm afraid to keep birth control in my room because my little sister, who I have to share a room with, constantly snoops through my stuff when I'm not there. She would be sure to show it to our parents if she found it because she loves to get me in trouble, so I really need to know the answer to this. -- QUESTIONING IN OKLAHOMA

It's actually impossible to get pregnant with small breasts because no guy will want to have sex with you. Kidding!

Your boyfriend's job is to say whatever it takes to have sex--preferably without a condom. Your job as a woman--okay, as a pre-teen from the sound of it--is to inform yourself about your body and the diseases and babies that can result when you don't force him to wear a condom. Don't let him fool you, he's still going to have sex with you even if you make him roll on a little latex. Guys really aren't that picky.

If your sister keeps snooping around your stuff, hide your birth control in a hidden corner of her dresser. If your parents are alerted to the existence of birth control pills, simply tell them you were tired of getting all those abortions and the pill is cheaper. They won't have time to punish you because they'll be rushing your father to the hospital from a heart attack.

Your advice, readers?

MAUREEN IN WEST CHICAGO

I couldn't help but add my two cents to the letter you printed from "Hungry in Madison Heights, Mich." (March 2), about the supervisor who stole everyone's food, candy, etc.

At my job, we had the same problem. "Dan" would open people's drawers and eat whatever he found, too. He would even go into lunch bags. It didn't matter if you were sitting there or not -- if it was food, he was into it!

One day a man who worked with him opened his desk drawer and realized that a tiny field mouse had gnawed through the wrapper of his candy bar and eaten part of it. He took the bar out of his desk and left it sitting there while he went to find someone to take care of the mouse. While he was gone, Dan entered his office, saw the candy, and took and ate it! Everyone except me was upset about him eating something that a mouse had nibbled. I was glad! Needless to say, Dan never took what wasn't his again. -- MAUREEN IN WEST CHICAGO

DEAR MAUREEN:

Wheeeeee! Take that "Dan"! Maureen, your life sounds full of wacky sitcom moments where pesky co-workers are taught humbling lessons from simple field mice. You're like a modern day office Aesop.

I'm sure you've told this story so many times now that it bears little resemblance to actual events. My guess is that "Dan" really did steal food from the break room refridgerator a few times and that a different co-worker probably had a candy bar eaten by a rat (field mice live in fields, Maureen).

But it's hard to believe "Dan" was such an a-hole that he would start gnawing on a half-eaten candy bar. I'm sure everyone joked that they should trick Dan into eating it--and maybe they did in some other prankish way--but it all sounds a little too easy the way you tell it. I just have a hard time believing that "Needless to say, Dan never took what wasn't his again." Because if he went back to stealing candy and pudding cups the next day, as I'm sure he did, your story's moral lesson is shot to hell.

You may think Dan is a total a-hole who steals other people's lunches and takes candy off desks. I think you love office gossip and making up moralistic stories because that's much easier than confronting Dan and telling him to knock that s--t off. You deserve to lose every Milky Way bar Dan plucks from your gossipy lips.

Your advice, readers?

YOUNG MOM IN OKLAHOMA

I have a 4-year-old who tends to act up from time to time. I have tried "time-outs" and even soft spanking and have taken his privileges away. Nothing seems to work. However, I have found that smashing one of his small toys with a hammer works well. Do you see any danger in this form of punishment? -- YOUNG MOM IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR YOUNG MOM:

Thank you for your question. I spent ten minutes laughing hysterically, the kind of laugh where you can't catch your breath--then I got utterly depressed.

Yes, psychological torture works. If your only aim is to solve the immediate problem of getting him to stop "acting up"--mission accomplished!

Here are some other suggestions you might want to try:

1. Hold a sharp knife to the throat of his favorite stuffed animal and slice the head off after one warning.

2. Hold a cap gun to your head and say that if he doesn't stop his tantrum, you'll kill yourself. Fire the cap gun, fall to the ground in a heap and remain unresponsive for at least one hour. Then rouse yourself like a zombie and pretend you're going to eat him.

3. If he has a cherished pet, hold it's head underwater until he stops crying.

If you're wondering if resorting to violence to get the response you want out of your son will teach him solve his problems with violence, the answer is yes. The only advice I have if you're going to hammer away at his toys is to be sure to instill a mistrust of psychiatry in him so you won't have to pay for the therapy bills he will undoubtedly need.

Your advice, readers?

BROKENHEARTED IN PORTLAND, ORE

Long story short, my husband of 11 years and I were having serious marital problems and on the verge of divorce. At the same time, my sister moved in with us -- at my invitation. Apparently, one thing led to another, and she and my husband say they have fallen in love.

My husband and I decided to try and save our marriage. Then, two days later, he and my sister slept together! I kicked both of them out of my house. They think they did nothing wrong because, according to my husband, he has no intention of working anything out with me. I say he's an S.O.B., and my sister is a @#!%#. Am I wrong?

Everyone in my family agrees with me, and I am being painted by my sister and my husband as "turning everyone against her." I say I'm justified.

What makes it harder is I still love them both and have now lost my sister and my best friend, and I don't know what to do. -- BROKENHEARTED IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR BROKENHEARTED:

You must cold-heartedly cut both of them out of your life forever--or at least for the few months they stay together, at which point you can have your sister back with an unspoken yet ever-present chasm between you. Even though he's an S.O.B. and she's a @#!%#, I suspect you aren't capable of cutting them out forever. Family drama fuels your sense of victimhood and my guess is that playing the victim looms large in your life.

Of course your family is taking your side on this. But I bet you love twisting the knife in your own wound to try and drain every last drop of sympathy from them. I'll let you in on a secret. Your family was already sick of you complaining about your bad marriage for 11 years. They are thrilled something has sparked a change, even if that change qualifies the whole family for a guest spot on the Jerry Springer show.

You were prepared to divorce this guy. Wouldn't the fact that he boinked your sister--most likely in your bed--be enough to downgrade him from your "best friend."

Stop kidding yourself. You don't "love them both." You love the constant state of drama and chaos you're used to after 11 years of serious marital problems. In that sense, the only advice you're likely to take is to try and win your husband back from your sister. It will never work. It will lead to utter catastrophe. But you will be happy in your own miserable way.

Your advice, readers?

FARMER'S WIFE IN KANSAS

I had to write after reading the letter from "Ready to Serve in New Hampshire" (Feb. 23), who felt compelled to delay her dinner party when her guests brought fresh vegetables from their garden.

My husband's summer hobby is a large vegetable garden, and he, too, enjoys giving away the fruits of his labor. When we are invited to dine with friends, he also brings a gift of his wonderful vegetables. But in no way does he expect our hosts to prepare them for us. They are intended for the family to enjoy at future meals.

I doubt that "Ready's" guests intended for her to cook those veggies, either. She should have thanked them and stored their gift for future dining. -- FARMER'S WIFE IN KANSAS

DEAR FARMER'S WIFE:

I think you're missing the real reason she decided to put dinner on hold. Obviously she did not want to force her family to eat vegetables that some non-farmer had grown in their garden. While the idea of growing your own food and sharing your bounty with friends is a concept full of hearty, self-reliant goodness--not everyone sees it that way.

How exactly were these veggies fertilized? By her guest's two golden retrievers? The neighborhood skunk? Are there baby slugs hidden within the layers of lettuce? Was her guest's garden box made of treated wood, leaking arsenic into the soil?

I agree the host shouldn't have prepared the veggies which forced her guests to consume them out of politeness. Perhaps she was trying to get even with her sniping, small-minded friends who complain that their painstakingly prepared food was served a few minutes behind schedule.

It would have been easier to graciously thank the guest, then shove the suspect produce down the garbage disposal, preferrably after all the guests had gone home.

Your advice, readers?

DEFLOWERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

I am a 28-year-old woman and have been dating a 26-year-old man I'll call "Chris" for four months. We have become good friends. On our last date, the topic of sex came up, and Chris told me that he was a virgin and that it was very important for him to find a girl who had "never been with anyone" either.

Well, Abby, that bridge was burned when I was a teenager. I was honest with Chris about it, which was not easy because I now regret some of the poor choices I made at that time of my life. I am a completely different person now due to a religious conversion and am waiting until I am married to have sex again.

I told Chris this, and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship. His answer was he'd "have to think about it." We are still friends. He says he likes me and still wants us to date.

However, although I care deeply for him, I now feel devalued. I'm afraid this issue is going to cause problems in the future. I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body. If I had known that virginity was so important to Chris, I would never have dated him in the first place. I can't change the past, and I have strong opinions about men who sing "Amazing Grace" in church while insisting on marrying virgins. What should I do? -- DEFLOWERED IN PENNSYLVANIA


DEAR "DEE":

First of all, you refer to losing your virginity by saying "that bridge was burned when I was a teenager." That conjures up quite an image.

You also say "We are still friends." Yes, a friend is what you call someone you like but aren't having sex with.

Here's advice option one: I'm assuming Chris doesn't drink, so you'll need to figure out a way to sneak alcohol or drugs into his system. Once he's throughly hammered, bring in a prostitute to "burn his bridge". From then on, you'll always have the upper hand because you can say, "At least I never screwed a hooker."

I actually like option two better: Tell Chris you are in fact a virgin, but you wanted to test his purity by pretending to be a non-virginal skank. Now that you know he's also pure, you can become engaged, have a wonderful church wedding. Then on your wedding night, announce that you do not believe in post-marital sex. Chris dies a virgin. Game, set, match.

Your advice, readers?

Welcome to Jeer Abby!

Everyday "Jeer Abby" will answer one of the same questions asked in "Dear Abby" -- the most popular syndicated column in the world.

Jeer Abby is a one year project that began on May 1, 2007.

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