STUCK IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR ABBY: How do you tell people you just don't like them and don't want to be friends anymore? My husband, daughter and I are "friends" with a family we became acquainted with when our daughter was in first grade. That was three years ago.

This family is annoying and loud, and we can't seem to distance ourselves from them. They constantly call for playdates and dinner dates. The kids get along well, but my husband and I do not like this couple and prefer not to spend our social time with them. How do we distance ourselves without offending them? -- STUCK IN SAN ANTONIO

Your problem is that you don't want to offend them--or anyone, is my guess--and that's what puts you in situations like this. You are so afraid to be the bad guy that you have to make the other person the bad guy to stop hanging out with them.

A true professional would simply evade playdates and dinner dates the moment the couple became annoying. They could have been fun to hang with at first. But once they cross the line to becoming irritating, the only option is to ignore them completely. Sooner or later, they will get the message. If you want faster results, just try to do things that will offend them so they'll stop inviting you. That SNL skit where Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan are a couple who talk dirty and pretend to have sex while having the new neighbors over for dinner comes to mind.

But to be honest, there's something a little cold and priggish in your tone. Families are supposed to be loud and annoying. Haven't you ever been to Olive Garden on a Friday night? I'm sure that if you showed your true selves to this family, they would no longer want to spend time with you.

Your advice, readers?

FURIOUS IN VANCOUVER, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Dustin," has finally decided to marry his live-in girlfriend of four years, "Cameron." They are now planning their wedding, which will take place in four months.

My mother has just informed me that Dustin and Cameron have decided that their wedding will be "adults only" except for Dustin's son. (The boy is 8.) Abby, my brother didn't even have the courage to call me up and inform me of this.

I feel that since it will be an informal, small family event -- fewer than 20 people -- my two children should be allowed to attend. (They are 8 and 3.) Am I being unreasonable? I feel if there is a "no kids" rule, then there should be no kids -- period.

My husband has refused to attend unless our children are included. Should I go alone or not attend? -- FURIOUS IN VANCOUVER, WASH.

You think your brother didn't have the "courage" to call you? No, he's wisely avoiding yet another earful of judgment from his sister who barely registers emotion that he's "finally" marrying his "live-in girlfriend." Couldn't you just say "girlfriend"? That "live-in" part is so transparently judgmental.

I'm sure you've absolutely grilled him over the fact that he's not married to the mother of his son too.

Your kids are 8 and 3? Trust me, they don't want to attend a wedding. They might beg to go and cry because you're not bringing them, but no one enjoys wedding ceremonies--why should small children be the exception?

Your husband is refusing to attend, secretly hoping that the rule is inflexible and he can appear to courageously stand by his principles and babysit the kids. Clearly he doesn't want to attend the wedding either and will make up some blustery moral outrage to avoid going. Congratulations, you're feeding into it instead of demanding your husband act like an adult.

You ask if you should go alone or not at all. My advice is to do your brother a huge favor and stay home with your childish husband and your kids who would rather not be there anyway. Think of it as a much appreciated wedding gift to your brother.

Your advice, readers?

JERSEY GIRL (NOT MY LEGAL NAME)

This is in response to "Confuzzled in Florida" (March 24), regarding parents who give their children one name but demand they be called something different.

I am an administrative assistant in an elementary school in New Jersey, and I have encountered the same problem with parents who register their children for kindergarten.

I must check the child's original birth certificate to verify the birthday and to ensure that he or she is registered under his or her legal name and that it's spelled correctly.

Abby, I've had parents tell me that "Little Johnny" does not know that "Franklin" is his legal name, and I should register him as "Little Johnny." I then have to explain to the parent that we DO have to register him as "Franklin" because that's the name he'll have to learn to write in kindergarten, as it's his legal name. I also explain that when "Franklin" starts school, he can tell his teacher he prefers "Little Johnny" and can then be called whatever name he chooses in the class.

I advise parents to make sure the child knows what his or her legal name is before starting kindergarten. This is the name that will appear on all records throughout the school years. -- JERSEY GIRL (NOT MY LEGAL NAME)

Who to side with? Overindulgent parents who demand the rules bend to accommodate their whims? Or wonkish educational administrators? Jeer Abby is perplexed.

It's perfectly understandable parents would want to change their children's name when attending Jersey public schools. I'm just surprised it's only the first name they want changed.

But just because kids have to register with their legal name shouldn't mean that's the name they'll learn to write in Kindergarten. It's not like these kids are opening checking accounts or drafting wills. I'm sure crayola scribbles resembling "Little Johnny" with an adorable backwards "e" will be just fine for passing Kindergarten--or most public high schools, for that matter.

When parents try to legally register their kids with nicknames, cheerfully ask the parent: "How about if I register your son as "Numb Nuts" since that what all of his classmates call him?"

Your advice, readers?

ANOTHER MOM IN THE NORTH

After reading the letter from "Anonymous in the North" (March 12), I had to write. I, too, have suffered a miscarriage. Not only did I mourn the loss of my pregnancy, but I was also afraid I'd never be able to have any children.

"Anonymous" should know that one in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. If she talks with other women, she'll see she's not alone in her suffering. Sharing her story with others who have been through the same thing may help her ease the pain she's feeling.

Nine months after my miscarriage I became pregnant again with my son. The happiest moment of my life was when I saw his heartbeat on an ultrasound and was later able to hold him in my arms. I am now the happy mother of three.

Please extend my sympathies to "Anonymous," and tell her not to give up hope. -- ANOTHER MOM IN THE NORTH

Jeer Abby has no where to go with this one. What am I going to do, rip into someone recovering from a miscarriage?

When Abby posts one of these public service announcements disguised as a column, it leaves me no choice but to resort to finding amusing videos on the internets depicting what could happen if you do have kids and they end up watching breakdancers in Times Square.

Your advice, readers?