DEAR ABBY: Can you go to Al-Anon if you had a husband who was an alcoholic, but is dead? He committed suicide with a 5.0 blood alcohol level.
I have been a mess for the last two years. I can't sleep, can't concentrate and don't enjoy anything. I would really like to be able to talk with people who understand what living with an alcoholic is like and won't blame me for what he did, as most of his family does. But I hesitate to go to Al-Anon.
What can I do to get over the self-inflicted death of a man I'll never stop loving? -- HURTING IN HOUSTON
Interestingly enough, reading your letter made me want to have a drink, or shoot myself.
I can't imagine anything done with a 5.0 blood alcohol level would be deliberate. The fact that he could commit suicide while being that drunk is impressive in its own way.
You could probably go to Al-Anon (even though the hyphenated spelling reads like a terrorist organization). But why not visit a therapist or support group for spouses of suicides? Clearly you're depressed, which in your situation could easily lead to--surprise!--alcoholism and/or suicide.
You want help, that's great. You don't necessarily need it from the people who could have helped your husband.
And if your husband's family blames you instead of him, they need to start some therapy or to at least stop being such major douche bags.
Your advice, readers?
Showing posts with label Dear Abby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dear Abby. Show all posts
Monday, July 30, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
LYNN IN WHITEHOUSE, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: My mother is constantly calling me to say, "Did you just call me?" Anytime her phone rings and she can't get to it, she calls everyone she knows and asks that question. It is particularly irritating if I am in the middle of something that's difficult to put down when that's the only reason she called. Then she hurries on to the next person on her list to check.
I have repeatedly suggested caller ID, but she won't get it, saying she'll just check around. She knows it's irritating, especially when she calls me at work.
Any suggestions on how I can either learn to live with this, or get her to stop it? -- LYNN IN WHITEHOUSE, TEXAS
Oh Lynn, haven't you realized you've provided the answer to your own problem? You suggest your mother get caller ID so she can tell who just called her. But you're the one who needs to get caller ID so you'll know when she's calling you. As far as work goes, most office phones have some sort of caller ID or at least a way of showing the number of the caller. If that doesn't work, just tell her you're working and hang up. She'll stop calling you at work after five or seventy times of doing that.
It's clear your mom is lonely and is using the "did you just call me" as an excuse to call people. Try to convince her to be more creative with her pleas for help. She's elderly, so have her call people for computer help. The internet is broken. How can she fix it?
Besides, don't people who still use landlines in addition to cell phones have the *69 feature where you can call the last caller back? If it's an add-on service, I suggest you pay for it and train your mom to use it.
If that doesn't work, next time your mom calls and asks if you just called her, say "Mother? Is that your voice? It can't be! Your funeral was last week!" Then scream, hang up and deny it ever happened.
Your advice, readers?
I have repeatedly suggested caller ID, but she won't get it, saying she'll just check around. She knows it's irritating, especially when she calls me at work.
Any suggestions on how I can either learn to live with this, or get her to stop it? -- LYNN IN WHITEHOUSE, TEXAS
Oh Lynn, haven't you realized you've provided the answer to your own problem? You suggest your mother get caller ID so she can tell who just called her. But you're the one who needs to get caller ID so you'll know when she's calling you. As far as work goes, most office phones have some sort of caller ID or at least a way of showing the number of the caller. If that doesn't work, just tell her you're working and hang up. She'll stop calling you at work after five or seventy times of doing that.
It's clear your mom is lonely and is using the "did you just call me" as an excuse to call people. Try to convince her to be more creative with her pleas for help. She's elderly, so have her call people for computer help. The internet is broken. How can she fix it?
Besides, don't people who still use landlines in addition to cell phones have the *69 feature where you can call the last caller back? If it's an add-on service, I suggest you pay for it and train your mom to use it.
If that doesn't work, next time your mom calls and asks if you just called her, say "Mother? Is that your voice? It can't be! Your funeral was last week!" Then scream, hang up and deny it ever happened.
Your advice, readers?
Thursday, July 26, 2007
HAPPY IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, when I was a divorced single father raising two adolescent children, we received an invitation to attend a wedding in Chicago. The bride's parents were cousins I hadn't seen or heard from in more than 20 years. The wedding coincided with the school break. I had accumulated vacation time at work and enough room on my charge cards to cover the cost of the expensive trip, so I replied that we would be glad to attend. I was excited to reconnect with the family and that my children would meet many of their relatives for the first time.
Boy, was I wrong!
The reception was held in the ballroom of an expensive hotel. Instead of being seated with my family, I was placed at a table on the opposite side of the huge ballroom. At the table were several couples and a few single women, all of whom seemed to know each other well. I felt somewhat out of place, but made light conversation, danced a few dances and tried to have a good time.
An aunt approached, tapped me on the shoulder, and asked me to join the family in a side room. When I entered, the men patted me on the shoulders and the women proceeded to tell me that the lady I had been seated next to had decided that I would be an acceptable husband for her! I was then told they would make all the wedding arrangements as quickly as possible.
At first I thought they were joking or that they had tasted too much of the bubbly. Then, in shock, I realized they were serious. I asked why they didn't consult me first. I made it plain I wasn't going to pull my kids out of school, away from their friends, sell my house, quit my job and throw away all our community relationships to move to a city halfway across the country, into an environment that was foreign to us, and marry a woman I had never met before. I told them the idea was insane and insulting.
They looked at me as if I were speaking a foreign language. I was told that because they had gone out of their way to arrange this match for me, my refusal was the height of selfishness and I was an ingrate. Angry, I took my children and left.
My children are now on their own, and I'm involved with a wonderful lady. We have been invited to a family gathering in Los Angeles, which will be attended by the group from Chicago. My lady friend has been pressing me to meet more of my family. I'm afraid to introduce her because I'm afraid she'll see how crazy my relatives are and reject me. What should I do? -- HAPPY IN SAN DIEGO
How cruel of the family to invite you to yet another gathering. Since it's in Los Angeles, my guess is that they'll be secretly taping a reality show about obnoxious relatives with you as the star.
I know you see yourself as the victim here, but when I read between the lines, my guess is that you're a total jackass--and not just because you say "lady friend."
Here's a little bit of cold, hard truth for you. They invited you to the Chicago wedding as a courtesy but no one expected (or wanted) you to attend. People invite people to weddings even though they know they won't come because then that person will feel obligated to buy them a present. You should have just bought them a set of beach towels or a butter dish.
I also think that you're humor impaired. Unless your family comes from some bizarre culture, I don't think anyone was serious about actually arranging a marriage with the woman at the table. If anything, you missed your chance at wedding reception sex in a bathroom stall. When you expressed your shock and outrage at this indecent marriage proposal, I'm sure it simply fueled their deadpan sense of humor even more.
Those relatives are probably total douche bags that you don't want to deal with or introduce your lady friend to. But for chrissakes, lighten up a little.
Your advice, readers?
Boy, was I wrong!
The reception was held in the ballroom of an expensive hotel. Instead of being seated with my family, I was placed at a table on the opposite side of the huge ballroom. At the table were several couples and a few single women, all of whom seemed to know each other well. I felt somewhat out of place, but made light conversation, danced a few dances and tried to have a good time.
An aunt approached, tapped me on the shoulder, and asked me to join the family in a side room. When I entered, the men patted me on the shoulders and the women proceeded to tell me that the lady I had been seated next to had decided that I would be an acceptable husband for her! I was then told they would make all the wedding arrangements as quickly as possible.
At first I thought they were joking or that they had tasted too much of the bubbly. Then, in shock, I realized they were serious. I asked why they didn't consult me first. I made it plain I wasn't going to pull my kids out of school, away from their friends, sell my house, quit my job and throw away all our community relationships to move to a city halfway across the country, into an environment that was foreign to us, and marry a woman I had never met before. I told them the idea was insane and insulting.
They looked at me as if I were speaking a foreign language. I was told that because they had gone out of their way to arrange this match for me, my refusal was the height of selfishness and I was an ingrate. Angry, I took my children and left.
My children are now on their own, and I'm involved with a wonderful lady. We have been invited to a family gathering in Los Angeles, which will be attended by the group from Chicago. My lady friend has been pressing me to meet more of my family. I'm afraid to introduce her because I'm afraid she'll see how crazy my relatives are and reject me. What should I do? -- HAPPY IN SAN DIEGO
How cruel of the family to invite you to yet another gathering. Since it's in Los Angeles, my guess is that they'll be secretly taping a reality show about obnoxious relatives with you as the star.
I know you see yourself as the victim here, but when I read between the lines, my guess is that you're a total jackass--and not just because you say "lady friend."
Here's a little bit of cold, hard truth for you. They invited you to the Chicago wedding as a courtesy but no one expected (or wanted) you to attend. People invite people to weddings even though they know they won't come because then that person will feel obligated to buy them a present. You should have just bought them a set of beach towels or a butter dish.
I also think that you're humor impaired. Unless your family comes from some bizarre culture, I don't think anyone was serious about actually arranging a marriage with the woman at the table. If anything, you missed your chance at wedding reception sex in a bathroom stall. When you expressed your shock and outrage at this indecent marriage proposal, I'm sure it simply fueled their deadpan sense of humor even more.
Those relatives are probably total douche bags that you don't want to deal with or introduce your lady friend to. But for chrissakes, lighten up a little.
Your advice, readers?
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
HAVING A BALL DOWN SOUTH
DEAR ABBY: My daughter's former lover, "Beau," is my age. (She is 20 years younger.) She was married when she and Beau had their affair, and still is. She regretted the affair, but continues to keep him as a friend. She introduced us a few years ago.
As their affair dwindled to a friendship, Beau and I began to have an interest in each other. As I started to see him in a different light, my family got upset.
Are they overreacting, or is this so strange that I should stop the relationship? It does creep me out a bit, but Beau is such fun to be with that I don't dwell on the past. Would it be extremely weird to date your daughter's ex-lover? Your thoughts, please. -- HAVING A BALL DOWN SOUTH
I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "having a ball" but I hope it's not what I'm thinking considering your daughter also had the same ball "down south."
In some ways, this whole messed up situation makes sense. Your daughter was looking for a father figure and you're now playing the role of the mother figure. Wait, that doesn't make this any less gross.
How about... the man currently taking up residence in your vagina also had sex with someone who popped out of that vagina. Hmm, still doesn't seem right.
You should be able to date whoever you want as long as it makes you happy. That would be true if we lived in fairy cupid land (located Down South?). But since we live in a culture where a mother and daughter screwing the same guy should only take place in poorly produced porn movies, your family's horror and revulsion seems appropriate. You ask if they're overreacting? I'd say they're underreacting.
Intentionally or not, you're asking your family to visualize some awfully disturbing stuff. On the plus side, I'm sure you've made Beau get a standing ovation in the health club locker room.
Your advice, readers?
As their affair dwindled to a friendship, Beau and I began to have an interest in each other. As I started to see him in a different light, my family got upset.
Are they overreacting, or is this so strange that I should stop the relationship? It does creep me out a bit, but Beau is such fun to be with that I don't dwell on the past. Would it be extremely weird to date your daughter's ex-lover? Your thoughts, please. -- HAVING A BALL DOWN SOUTH
I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "having a ball" but I hope it's not what I'm thinking considering your daughter also had the same ball "down south."
In some ways, this whole messed up situation makes sense. Your daughter was looking for a father figure and you're now playing the role of the mother figure. Wait, that doesn't make this any less gross.
How about... the man currently taking up residence in your vagina also had sex with someone who popped out of that vagina. Hmm, still doesn't seem right.
You should be able to date whoever you want as long as it makes you happy. That would be true if we lived in fairy cupid land (located Down South?). But since we live in a culture where a mother and daughter screwing the same guy should only take place in poorly produced porn movies, your family's horror and revulsion seems appropriate. You ask if they're overreacting? I'd say they're underreacting.
Intentionally or not, you're asking your family to visualize some awfully disturbing stuff. On the plus side, I'm sure you've made Beau get a standing ovation in the health club locker room.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, July 23, 2007
NOT SO BLUE IN EVERETT, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: I have recently begun using Internet dating sites to meet guys in my community. With my busy work and home schedules, I have found this to be a good alternative. The problem I'm having is that some of these sites allow matches to ask if you are emotionally and mentally healthy.
In my case, I have suffered from depression in the past. I have been hospitalized for this issue and have received medication. At this point in my life, I manage my depression with non-drug-related therapies. I no longer need a counselor or a therapist, and have in place strategies for when I feel I'm cycling downward.
How should I respond to gentlemen who are looking for an "emotionally healthy" match? I consider myself "recovering" and do not take my mental health for granted. Your advice would be much appreciated. -- NOT SO BLUE IN EVERETT, WASH.
I think the fact that you're using Internet dating sites to meet guys in your community pretty much implies that you've struggled with depression at some point. The hospitalization part might be something fun to spring on your new man sometime after you've slept with him but before he stops calling you. It will make him feel more guilty/scared about blowing you off.
Just kidding. He won't feel guilty about blowing you off.
I think you should do what everyone on Internet dating sites--and the Internet itself--does and lie. Are you emotionally stable? Yes (as of the moment you answer the question anyway). Are you struggling with depression? No (not since last weekend, which you spent alone and sobbing).
I'm sure that your potential dates are lying about things as well. Are they athletic? Sensitive to the emotional needs of their partner? Any outstanding felonies?
That's the other way to look at this. Perhaps some men aren't looking for an emotionally and mentally healthy girlfriend. Maybe they want you to have issues that will create chaos and drama in their life. How can they reach their full potential as abusive, controlling boyfriends if you don't put your weakest foot forward?
In any case, if you still consider yourself "recovering" from depression, then you're depressed. Maybe not at the moment. But it's a timebomb waiting to go off. Any guy you're serious about should know that bomb exists--and maybe if you open up, he'll let you know about his paranoid schizophrenic disorder he stopped taking medication for.
Your advice, readers?
In my case, I have suffered from depression in the past. I have been hospitalized for this issue and have received medication. At this point in my life, I manage my depression with non-drug-related therapies. I no longer need a counselor or a therapist, and have in place strategies for when I feel I'm cycling downward.
How should I respond to gentlemen who are looking for an "emotionally healthy" match? I consider myself "recovering" and do not take my mental health for granted. Your advice would be much appreciated. -- NOT SO BLUE IN EVERETT, WASH.
I think the fact that you're using Internet dating sites to meet guys in your community pretty much implies that you've struggled with depression at some point. The hospitalization part might be something fun to spring on your new man sometime after you've slept with him but before he stops calling you. It will make him feel more guilty/scared about blowing you off.
Just kidding. He won't feel guilty about blowing you off.
I think you should do what everyone on Internet dating sites--and the Internet itself--does and lie. Are you emotionally stable? Yes (as of the moment you answer the question anyway). Are you struggling with depression? No (not since last weekend, which you spent alone and sobbing).
I'm sure that your potential dates are lying about things as well. Are they athletic? Sensitive to the emotional needs of their partner? Any outstanding felonies?
That's the other way to look at this. Perhaps some men aren't looking for an emotionally and mentally healthy girlfriend. Maybe they want you to have issues that will create chaos and drama in their life. How can they reach their full potential as abusive, controlling boyfriends if you don't put your weakest foot forward?
In any case, if you still consider yourself "recovering" from depression, then you're depressed. Maybe not at the moment. But it's a timebomb waiting to go off. Any guy you're serious about should know that bomb exists--and maybe if you open up, he'll let you know about his paranoid schizophrenic disorder he stopped taking medication for.
Your advice, readers?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
STUPID MOM WITH NO EXCUSE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR ABBY: Here's one for the books on parental stupidity. When my daughter, "Marissa," began to reach her teen years, her father -- in an attempt to be funny -- advised her that she could keep from becoming pregnant by putting an aspirin between her knees and keeping it there.
My stupidity was assuming that sex education and pregnancy prevention were taught in her school. I never broached the subject with her.
Marissa became pregnant at 15. The young man she was seeing told her she couldn't get pregnant in a swimming pool because the chlorine would kill the sperm. Have you heard that before? Needless to say, the inevitable result was a baby.
I love my grandson dearly. God did not make a mistake even though we adults were all dummies in the advice department. Please tell parents, children and adults to educate themselves and learn all the facts and fictions about teen pregnancy and prevention. -- STUPID MOM WITH NO EXCUSE IN NEW JERSEY
The reason sex education isn't taught in schools is because then kids will know how to have sex. Don't teach it and they'll never know how to do it.
Obviously, some kids must google the internets to find out about sex. Or better yet, they take birth control advice from the young men trying to have sex with them. I'm not sure if chlorine really does kill sperm, but my guess is that the chlorine would have to be flowing through your vagina at the time and that it would have to be highly concentrated chlorine.
Logic should have told your daughter that this would never work or people wouldn't waste money on condoms or birth control. They'd simply go out and have movie scene worthy unprotected sex in swimming pools.
Your advice, readers?
My stupidity was assuming that sex education and pregnancy prevention were taught in her school. I never broached the subject with her.
Marissa became pregnant at 15. The young man she was seeing told her she couldn't get pregnant in a swimming pool because the chlorine would kill the sperm. Have you heard that before? Needless to say, the inevitable result was a baby.
I love my grandson dearly. God did not make a mistake even though we adults were all dummies in the advice department. Please tell parents, children and adults to educate themselves and learn all the facts and fictions about teen pregnancy and prevention. -- STUPID MOM WITH NO EXCUSE IN NEW JERSEY
The reason sex education isn't taught in schools is because then kids will know how to have sex. Don't teach it and they'll never know how to do it.
Obviously, some kids must google the internets to find out about sex. Or better yet, they take birth control advice from the young men trying to have sex with them. I'm not sure if chlorine really does kill sperm, but my guess is that the chlorine would have to be flowing through your vagina at the time and that it would have to be highly concentrated chlorine.
Logic should have told your daughter that this would never work or people wouldn't waste money on condoms or birth control. They'd simply go out and have movie scene worthy unprotected sex in swimming pools.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, July 16, 2007
STUCK IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR ABBY: How do you tell people you just don't like them and don't want to be friends anymore? My husband, daughter and I are "friends" with a family we became acquainted with when our daughter was in first grade. That was three years ago.
This family is annoying and loud, and we can't seem to distance ourselves from them. They constantly call for playdates and dinner dates. The kids get along well, but my husband and I do not like this couple and prefer not to spend our social time with them. How do we distance ourselves without offending them? -- STUCK IN SAN ANTONIO
Your problem is that you don't want to offend them--or anyone, is my guess--and that's what puts you in situations like this. You are so afraid to be the bad guy that you have to make the other person the bad guy to stop hanging out with them.
A true professional would simply evade playdates and dinner dates the moment the couple became annoying. They could have been fun to hang with at first. But once they cross the line to becoming irritating, the only option is to ignore them completely. Sooner or later, they will get the message. If you want faster results, just try to do things that will offend them so they'll stop inviting you. That SNL skit where Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan are a couple who talk dirty and pretend to have sex while having the new neighbors over for dinner comes to mind.
But to be honest, there's something a little cold and priggish in your tone. Families are supposed to be loud and annoying. Haven't you ever been to Olive Garden on a Friday night? I'm sure that if you showed your true selves to this family, they would no longer want to spend time with you.
Your advice, readers?
This family is annoying and loud, and we can't seem to distance ourselves from them. They constantly call for playdates and dinner dates. The kids get along well, but my husband and I do not like this couple and prefer not to spend our social time with them. How do we distance ourselves without offending them? -- STUCK IN SAN ANTONIO
Your problem is that you don't want to offend them--or anyone, is my guess--and that's what puts you in situations like this. You are so afraid to be the bad guy that you have to make the other person the bad guy to stop hanging out with them.
A true professional would simply evade playdates and dinner dates the moment the couple became annoying. They could have been fun to hang with at first. But once they cross the line to becoming irritating, the only option is to ignore them completely. Sooner or later, they will get the message. If you want faster results, just try to do things that will offend them so they'll stop inviting you. That SNL skit where Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan are a couple who talk dirty and pretend to have sex while having the new neighbors over for dinner comes to mind.
But to be honest, there's something a little cold and priggish in your tone. Families are supposed to be loud and annoying. Haven't you ever been to Olive Garden on a Friday night? I'm sure that if you showed your true selves to this family, they would no longer want to spend time with you.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, July 9, 2007
DEPRESSED IN BOULDER, COLO.
DEAR ABBY: A dear friend is being married this summer to a man who is abusive. She is in denial about his extreme, sometimes violent, jealous and controlling behavior. Recently, he threw coffee in her face while she was driving and caused an accident. He blamed it all on her, and she accepted the blame.
He punches holes in the walls when they fight. Once he even broke a bone in his hand. He constantly accuses her of cheating, and when they're together, he watches her like a hawk and she won't leave his side.
She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I am not comfortable with it because I would not be able to celebrate the occasion. Her fiance knows how I feel. He doesn't like me, and the feeling is mutual.
What should I tell her? In the past I told her that marrying him would be a big mistake, and she got very angry. Your advice would be appreciated. -- DEPRESSED IN BOULDER, COLO.
How dare you turn your back on your friend on her special day. Sure, she's marrying a violent, coffee-scalding psychopath, but when it comes to weddings, color me a romantic.
Assuming no hot beverages are served, and no semi-attractive males are invited, the wedding should be a spectacular affair! Tears will roll down your eyes watching as they exchange vows with the bride holding a bouquet and the groom holding a revolver to her head, waiting to hear those romantic words, "I do, just please don't shoot."
Just because he's abusive and jealous while they're dating doesn't mean he'll be that way after getting married. My guess is that he's just a little nervous about tying the knot, so he's tightens the noose around her neck. Marriage was designed specifically to solve all the problems people have in relationships.
So swallow your pride and be a bridesmaid. As a gift suggestion, may I suggest you give her something useful. Either a drywall patching kit or a 9mm pistol that can't be traced.
Your advice, readers?
He punches holes in the walls when they fight. Once he even broke a bone in his hand. He constantly accuses her of cheating, and when they're together, he watches her like a hawk and she won't leave his side.
She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I am not comfortable with it because I would not be able to celebrate the occasion. Her fiance knows how I feel. He doesn't like me, and the feeling is mutual.
What should I tell her? In the past I told her that marrying him would be a big mistake, and she got very angry. Your advice would be appreciated. -- DEPRESSED IN BOULDER, COLO.
How dare you turn your back on your friend on her special day. Sure, she's marrying a violent, coffee-scalding psychopath, but when it comes to weddings, color me a romantic.
Assuming no hot beverages are served, and no semi-attractive males are invited, the wedding should be a spectacular affair! Tears will roll down your eyes watching as they exchange vows with the bride holding a bouquet and the groom holding a revolver to her head, waiting to hear those romantic words, "I do, just please don't shoot."
Just because he's abusive and jealous while they're dating doesn't mean he'll be that way after getting married. My guess is that he's just a little nervous about tying the knot, so he's tightens the noose around her neck. Marriage was designed specifically to solve all the problems people have in relationships.
So swallow your pride and be a bridesmaid. As a gift suggestion, may I suggest you give her something useful. Either a drywall patching kit or a 9mm pistol that can't be traced.
Your advice, readers?
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
SCARED IN BROOKLYN
DEAR ABBY: I am a 33-year-old virgin, and I have never been to a gynecologist. My regular doctor said I should make an appointment to see one. That was a year or so ago. She said it was to "make sure everything was OK."
I have made the appointments, but each time, I chicken out at the last minute and cancel because I have heard that a Pap test is done and it is painful. My best friend said she cried when she had hers done. She said it hurt really bad.
I had anxiety that was really bad two years ago because of big changes in my life. Three of my uncles and two of my cousins died within months of each other. I don't want my anxiety to flare up again. Little things make me anxious, and I am thinking this might trigger an episode.
Should a woman see a gynecologist even if she is not sexually active? Also, do you bleed after a Pap test is done? Thanks, Abby! -- SCARED IN BROOKLYN
I can't believe you're asking Dear Abby if she bleeds after her Pap. I know you probably meant it in a more general way. Do women typically bleed after a Pap. But that's not what you wrote. Here's how I interpret your letter: Dear Abby, Do you personally bleed after a Pap?
Until you wrote that, I never once imagined Dear Abby visiting the gynecologist. Now it's going to take a lot of alcohol and therapy to get some of those images out of my mind.
But your real problem is that you are a bundle of nerves. You talk about a Pap test as if it were a short term sexual relationship. What if you had a Pap test and the doctor never called you back? What's an acceptable time to call him? Two days, a week? Open up the Haagen Daz, sister!
The bad news is that sex will probably be just as painful as a Pap. The good news is that sex probably won't last as long. In either case, it's been 33 years. Time for a little action down there.
Your advice, readers?
I have made the appointments, but each time, I chicken out at the last minute and cancel because I have heard that a Pap test is done and it is painful. My best friend said she cried when she had hers done. She said it hurt really bad.
I had anxiety that was really bad two years ago because of big changes in my life. Three of my uncles and two of my cousins died within months of each other. I don't want my anxiety to flare up again. Little things make me anxious, and I am thinking this might trigger an episode.
Should a woman see a gynecologist even if she is not sexually active? Also, do you bleed after a Pap test is done? Thanks, Abby! -- SCARED IN BROOKLYN
I can't believe you're asking Dear Abby if she bleeds after her Pap. I know you probably meant it in a more general way. Do women typically bleed after a Pap. But that's not what you wrote. Here's how I interpret your letter: Dear Abby, Do you personally bleed after a Pap?
Until you wrote that, I never once imagined Dear Abby visiting the gynecologist. Now it's going to take a lot of alcohol and therapy to get some of those images out of my mind.
But your real problem is that you are a bundle of nerves. You talk about a Pap test as if it were a short term sexual relationship. What if you had a Pap test and the doctor never called you back? What's an acceptable time to call him? Two days, a week? Open up the Haagen Daz, sister!
The bad news is that sex will probably be just as painful as a Pap. The good news is that sex probably won't last as long. In either case, it's been 33 years. Time for a little action down there.
Your advice, readers?
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
AWAKE WITH THE SUNRISE, KEIZER, ORE.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Too Tired in Parkville, Mo." (April 27), who said she is "not a morning person," but who has been assigned additional early-morning tasks at work. I, too, am a night owl. Give me a graveyard shift, and I am a happy camper. However, as a single mother of two children, that has never been an option.
I used to have a rough time in the mornings. (I would fall asleep over my keyboard on a regular basis.) I finally sought help from a doctor and learned that my daytime sleepiness was actually from a medical condition. I recommend that "Too Tired" speak to a physician to find out if there is an underlying cause for her sleepiness. -- AWAKE WITH THE SUNRISE, KEIZER, ORE.
Daytime sleepiness? It's a medical condition!
Yes, not everyone is a morna;siiiiiiiiiegjwhHOIUERWAGHOVANHABO;ERNE;BAOINR
(Sorry, I too occasionally fall asleep on my keyboard.)
First of all, I've never heard being tired called "daytime sleepiness" before. That's already a yellow flag in my book. Some marketing expert at a huge pharmaceutical company decided that the best way to sell their new drug was to convince people they suffered from "daytime sleepiness." Hey, they sell enough drugs to people who can't sleep at night. Why not sell drugs to people who are tired during the day?
I'm sure the drug even has a clever name like Arize or Imalert.
Why delve into the world of expensive pharmaceuticals when you can do what most people do. Go to bed a little earlier--aided by alcohol when necessary--and then curse your alarm in the morning and move around like a slightly hungover zombie until you get a cup of coffee. Repeat coffee until daytime sleepiness disappears.
Now that I think about it, I'm sure your letter is actually from the same marketing expert who came up with Arize. Get people who read Dear Abby (or Jeer Abby) to contact their doctor about daytime sleepiness.
My advice is to contact your local barista about daytime sleepiness. They'll be able to provide a natural remedy and your doctor can get back to curing cancer instead of hawking useless drugs for invented symptoms.
Your advice, readers?
I used to have a rough time in the mornings. (I would fall asleep over my keyboard on a regular basis.) I finally sought help from a doctor and learned that my daytime sleepiness was actually from a medical condition. I recommend that "Too Tired" speak to a physician to find out if there is an underlying cause for her sleepiness. -- AWAKE WITH THE SUNRISE, KEIZER, ORE.
Daytime sleepiness? It's a medical condition!
Yes, not everyone is a morna;siiiiiiiiiegjwhHOIUERWAGHOVANHABO;ERNE;BAOINR
(Sorry, I too occasionally fall asleep on my keyboard.)
First of all, I've never heard being tired called "daytime sleepiness" before. That's already a yellow flag in my book. Some marketing expert at a huge pharmaceutical company decided that the best way to sell their new drug was to convince people they suffered from "daytime sleepiness." Hey, they sell enough drugs to people who can't sleep at night. Why not sell drugs to people who are tired during the day?
I'm sure the drug even has a clever name like Arize or Imalert.
Why delve into the world of expensive pharmaceuticals when you can do what most people do. Go to bed a little earlier--aided by alcohol when necessary--and then curse your alarm in the morning and move around like a slightly hungover zombie until you get a cup of coffee. Repeat coffee until daytime sleepiness disappears.
Now that I think about it, I'm sure your letter is actually from the same marketing expert who came up with Arize. Get people who read Dear Abby (or Jeer Abby) to contact their doctor about daytime sleepiness.
My advice is to contact your local barista about daytime sleepiness. They'll be able to provide a natural remedy and your doctor can get back to curing cancer instead of hawking useless drugs for invented symptoms.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, June 25, 2007
LOUISE IN DES MOINES
DEAR ABBY: I was married to my childhood sweetheart, "Dexter," for 13 years. Only the first five were happy. The rest were spent trying to adjust to his alcoholism and make excuses for why he drinks.
We have two children, 12 and 10, whom I love dearly. I finally made the decision to leave when I realized what a poor example Dexter was setting for them.
The problem is, he continually harasses me. He calls constantly and drops over to my apartment without calling. When the kids see their father, they just let him in. If I'm not home, Dexter questions them about who they have seen me with and whatever other information he can pry out of them. My son asks me if it's OK, or what he should say. I have nothing to hide and am not seeing anyone. I told him it's wrong of his father to ask, but if he does then to be honest.
I love Dexter, but I'm so tired and emotionally drained I don't know what to do. I feel this tremendous responsibility for him, and I don't know where it comes from. He was always the dominant one in our relationship. I never even decorated our home because he picked everything out on the pretense of "surprising" me.
I give Dexter money when he asks for it, even though I have the children and he isn't supporting us. I'm in the process of filing for child support, but feel guilty doing it -- like he is going to suffer because I'll be taking money from him. He has a full-time job, so there's no reason why he shouldn't take care of our children. Why do I feel like I'm abandoning him? -- LOUISE IN DES MOINES
This is why marrying your childhood sweetheart is a bad idea.
My question is: why do you feel guilty for doing everything right? That sense of responsibility to him is what's causing you all your problems. And I'm sure Dexter knows how to tap into some childhood memories in a way that makes you feel like you're the one abondoning him.
If you met Dexter last year, you'd run screaming and wouldn't let your children near him. Just because you used to have the same second grade teacher and he put a frog in your desk--or whatever--doesn't mean you owe him anything. Kiss those fantasies of having married your childhood sweetheart behind. There isn't going to be a magical movie ending where he realizes his family is more important than alcohol so he cleans up and everyone is even more happy having survived a test of your love.
The only happy ending here is when Dexter starts kicking in for some child support.
Your advice, readers?
We have two children, 12 and 10, whom I love dearly. I finally made the decision to leave when I realized what a poor example Dexter was setting for them.
The problem is, he continually harasses me. He calls constantly and drops over to my apartment without calling. When the kids see their father, they just let him in. If I'm not home, Dexter questions them about who they have seen me with and whatever other information he can pry out of them. My son asks me if it's OK, or what he should say. I have nothing to hide and am not seeing anyone. I told him it's wrong of his father to ask, but if he does then to be honest.
I love Dexter, but I'm so tired and emotionally drained I don't know what to do. I feel this tremendous responsibility for him, and I don't know where it comes from. He was always the dominant one in our relationship. I never even decorated our home because he picked everything out on the pretense of "surprising" me.
I give Dexter money when he asks for it, even though I have the children and he isn't supporting us. I'm in the process of filing for child support, but feel guilty doing it -- like he is going to suffer because I'll be taking money from him. He has a full-time job, so there's no reason why he shouldn't take care of our children. Why do I feel like I'm abandoning him? -- LOUISE IN DES MOINES
This is why marrying your childhood sweetheart is a bad idea.
My question is: why do you feel guilty for doing everything right? That sense of responsibility to him is what's causing you all your problems. And I'm sure Dexter knows how to tap into some childhood memories in a way that makes you feel like you're the one abondoning him.
If you met Dexter last year, you'd run screaming and wouldn't let your children near him. Just because you used to have the same second grade teacher and he put a frog in your desk--or whatever--doesn't mean you owe him anything. Kiss those fantasies of having married your childhood sweetheart behind. There isn't going to be a magical movie ending where he realizes his family is more important than alcohol so he cleans up and everyone is even more happy having survived a test of your love.
The only happy ending here is when Dexter starts kicking in for some child support.
Your advice, readers?
Friday, June 22, 2007
UNDER A MICROSCOPE IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: One of my female co-workers regularly scrutinizes the wardrobe and accessories of all the other co-workers, male and female. Her scrutiny is so detailed that she notices the littlest thing -- even a change in nail polish color, or the buttons on a jacket.
Every time she sees some new clothing or jewelry, she moves in for a closer look and often touches the item. Her comments are not casual, but very detailed. I feel like I am in the army and going through uniform inspection and that she is constantly judging everyone.
Another co-worker has commented to me about this in a joking way, but I suspect she resents it, too. I want to say something to the offending co-worker so that she will stop examining me from head to toe every day. On the other hand, it's a small office and I want to maintain harmony. Any ideas? -- UNDER A MICROSCOPE IN FLORIDA
Your first problem is that you're trying to maintain harmony in an office environment. Office life depends on petty battles like this to make it interesting.
The easiest thing to do is to turn the tables on her. Start noticing things to point out on her wardrobe and accessories. Touch her. Move in close and stay close for longer than seems comfortable. Suggest a few accessories you'd like to see her wear. Mention that you had a dream last night where she was wearing that same exact outfit and then add, "But then it got a little weird. I shouldn't be telling you this." Or when she's the last one to come into the conference room for a meeting, ask her if she's wearing a g-string of simply not wearing any underwear at all.
Another option would be to go a jeweler and purchase a cheap necklace or brooch and have it engraved in tiny letters that say, "By reading this, you are officially violating my personal space." Or simply, "Back off, bitch."
Ideally, whatever action you choose, you will be able to turn the whole office against her. Thus restoring true office harmony.
Your advice, readers?
Every time she sees some new clothing or jewelry, she moves in for a closer look and often touches the item. Her comments are not casual, but very detailed. I feel like I am in the army and going through uniform inspection and that she is constantly judging everyone.
Another co-worker has commented to me about this in a joking way, but I suspect she resents it, too. I want to say something to the offending co-worker so that she will stop examining me from head to toe every day. On the other hand, it's a small office and I want to maintain harmony. Any ideas? -- UNDER A MICROSCOPE IN FLORIDA
Your first problem is that you're trying to maintain harmony in an office environment. Office life depends on petty battles like this to make it interesting.
The easiest thing to do is to turn the tables on her. Start noticing things to point out on her wardrobe and accessories. Touch her. Move in close and stay close for longer than seems comfortable. Suggest a few accessories you'd like to see her wear. Mention that you had a dream last night where she was wearing that same exact outfit and then add, "But then it got a little weird. I shouldn't be telling you this." Or when she's the last one to come into the conference room for a meeting, ask her if she's wearing a g-string of simply not wearing any underwear at all.
Another option would be to go a jeweler and purchase a cheap necklace or brooch and have it engraved in tiny letters that say, "By reading this, you are officially violating my personal space." Or simply, "Back off, bitch."
Ideally, whatever action you choose, you will be able to turn the whole office against her. Thus restoring true office harmony.
Your advice, readers?
Thursday, June 21, 2007
JIM P., PROMOTION EXPERT IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: "Needs to Be Active" (April 25) wrote that after more than 20 years as a nurse's aide, she feels that no one wants to hire her because she is older. Abby, she does not have an age discrimination problem; she has a marketing and self-promotion problem!
If her experience and abilities are as stated, her skills are in strong demand across the country. People are not "given" jobs -- they have to go after jobs. She should join a local business networking group; visit doctors' offices and leave promotional handouts with her contact information; get to know nurses and staff at hospitals and senior centers and ask for referrals; introduce herself to the H.R. department at large local businesses (where employees frequently need help with ailing parents); call disability insurance companies and learn how to get on their list of recommended home nurses; advertise in the classified ads section of the local paper; and seek help from a business coach or marketing expert. "Needs" has a business problem; she needs a business solution. -- JIM P., PROMOTION EXPERT IN FLORIDA
First of all Jim, is Promotion Expert really your job title? What is the career arc for a Promotion Expert? Do you start off as a Demotion Expert or a Promotion Associate? To what position would a Promotion Expert get promoted to?
Why do I picture you as a Jack Lemmon character in a shoddy tan suit, a flask of whiskey stashed in your desk, always trying to sell people on Proven Methods and Techniques for Achievement while privately contemplating your own suicide?
All of your suggestions seem to come from some pre-Internet version of "What Color is Your Parachute?" that you checked out from the public library and now owe overdue fees. Classified ads in the local paper? Local business networking group? How is it that a Promotion Expert is totally unaware of the existence of the Internet?
Unless you left out any mention of the Internet because you thought some old nurse isn't going to understand newfangled technology? Maybe this elderly, decrepit nurse has a point about age discrimination after all. If she ever gets a chance, I hope she performs on prostate exam on you with her gnarled, arthritic hands.
Your advice, readers?
If her experience and abilities are as stated, her skills are in strong demand across the country. People are not "given" jobs -- they have to go after jobs. She should join a local business networking group; visit doctors' offices and leave promotional handouts with her contact information; get to know nurses and staff at hospitals and senior centers and ask for referrals; introduce herself to the H.R. department at large local businesses (where employees frequently need help with ailing parents); call disability insurance companies and learn how to get on their list of recommended home nurses; advertise in the classified ads section of the local paper; and seek help from a business coach or marketing expert. "Needs" has a business problem; she needs a business solution. -- JIM P., PROMOTION EXPERT IN FLORIDA
First of all Jim, is Promotion Expert really your job title? What is the career arc for a Promotion Expert? Do you start off as a Demotion Expert or a Promotion Associate? To what position would a Promotion Expert get promoted to?
Why do I picture you as a Jack Lemmon character in a shoddy tan suit, a flask of whiskey stashed in your desk, always trying to sell people on Proven Methods and Techniques for Achievement while privately contemplating your own suicide?
All of your suggestions seem to come from some pre-Internet version of "What Color is Your Parachute?" that you checked out from the public library and now owe overdue fees. Classified ads in the local paper? Local business networking group? How is it that a Promotion Expert is totally unaware of the existence of the Internet?
Unless you left out any mention of the Internet because you thought some old nurse isn't going to understand newfangled technology? Maybe this elderly, decrepit nurse has a point about age discrimination after all. If she ever gets a chance, I hope she performs on prostate exam on you with her gnarled, arthritic hands.
Your advice, readers?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
LUCY IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR ABBY: I live next door to a 75-year-old man whose wife died a few months ago. I'm fairly new to the neighborhood and heard of his loss just before Easter. As a caring gesture, I took him a homemade casserole and left my number in case he needed help going to the store or a cup of coffee. Since then, he has been over once with flowers to chat and have coffee, and is now calling me every few days inviting me for lunch, a glass of wine, etc.
I am engaged to be married and he knows this, but my fiance lives in another town. I realize my neighbor is lonely, but he appears to be thinking romantically. I am 30 years his junior and busy with my life. I only just met him and have nothing to say except to listen, which would be OK if I didn't think he was looking for more.
When he was here for coffee, he kissed my forehead several times when he left and wanted several hugs. I feel so sorry for him, but I don't want to lead him on or hurt him more than he already has been. Could this man actually be thinking of another woman this soon after his wife's death? How should I handle this? Please reply ASAP! -- LUCY IN LAS VEGAS
No good deed goes unpunished.
You thought you were dealing with a grieving 75-year-old widower. The image immediately conjures up a sad, semi-pathetic man shuffling along in a corduroy suit, tears constantly welling in his cataract smeared eyes.
What you fail to realize is that a 75-year-old man is just a 25-year-old man who has aged 50 years. Now that his wife is out of the picture, he's going to play the field. Imagine his luck when a woman nearly half his age stops by with a friggin' casserole--and you don't even live in the Midwest. You offer to help him go to the store, get a cup of coffee. For a 75-year-old, asking to go for a cup of coffee is like asking anyone under 40 if they want oral sex.
I wouldn't be surprised if this guy had his own MySpace page and a profile on at least twelve online dating services. He's milking the aging widower angle, knowing a little sympathy may be his last chance at a Viagra fueled night of passion where money does not exchange hands.
You wanted to appear caring and generous with your time and now that he wants to actually take up your time, you no longer feel sympathy for the widower. You thought he'd just live his lonely existence for a few months until dying in his sleep. It's time to face the fact that--despite whipping up casseroles and making empty promises of heartwarming cafe conversations--you're more generous with your good intentions than you are with your time.
Your advice, readers?
I am engaged to be married and he knows this, but my fiance lives in another town. I realize my neighbor is lonely, but he appears to be thinking romantically. I am 30 years his junior and busy with my life. I only just met him and have nothing to say except to listen, which would be OK if I didn't think he was looking for more.
When he was here for coffee, he kissed my forehead several times when he left and wanted several hugs. I feel so sorry for him, but I don't want to lead him on or hurt him more than he already has been. Could this man actually be thinking of another woman this soon after his wife's death? How should I handle this? Please reply ASAP! -- LUCY IN LAS VEGAS
No good deed goes unpunished.
You thought you were dealing with a grieving 75-year-old widower. The image immediately conjures up a sad, semi-pathetic man shuffling along in a corduroy suit, tears constantly welling in his cataract smeared eyes.
What you fail to realize is that a 75-year-old man is just a 25-year-old man who has aged 50 years. Now that his wife is out of the picture, he's going to play the field. Imagine his luck when a woman nearly half his age stops by with a friggin' casserole--and you don't even live in the Midwest. You offer to help him go to the store, get a cup of coffee. For a 75-year-old, asking to go for a cup of coffee is like asking anyone under 40 if they want oral sex.
I wouldn't be surprised if this guy had his own MySpace page and a profile on at least twelve online dating services. He's milking the aging widower angle, knowing a little sympathy may be his last chance at a Viagra fueled night of passion where money does not exchange hands.
You wanted to appear caring and generous with your time and now that he wants to actually take up your time, you no longer feel sympathy for the widower. You thought he'd just live his lonely existence for a few months until dying in his sleep. It's time to face the fact that--despite whipping up casseroles and making empty promises of heartwarming cafe conversations--you're more generous with your good intentions than you are with your time.
Your advice, readers?
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
INVESTIGATOR IN OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR ABBY: Thank you, thank you, for publishing the letter from "Ticked Off in Topeka, Kan." (April 18) concerning welfare fraud, including Section 8 housing fraud. I am an investigator for a housing authority, and our agency is dedicated to maintaining the integrity of the program and protecting the taxpayer dollars entrusted to us. Not a day goes by that I don't hear, "I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but ..."
Please let your readers know that if they call in with a fraud tip, they are not the ones who are getting anyone in trouble. The people who decided to commit the fraud or do the crime got themselves in trouble. The only way we can help the most people with our limited resources is by eliminating fraud and applying the rules and regulations fairly and equitably for everyone.
Quite often it is neighbors, friends and family members who are our eyes and ears. It is important that they let us know when someone is defrauding the system. No one will lose assistance just because of a tip. We investigate every case and, if proven, the tenants are given an opportunity to appeal and to have a hearing. There are too many families on the waiting list and too many people who need help for fraud to go unreported. -- INVESTIGATOR IN OKLAHOMA CITY
First off, let me say: Boooooorrrrrrriiiiiinnnnnggggg.
Okay, you're scaring Jeer Abby with all this talk about neighbors, friends and family members being the spying eyes and ears of the government. It sounds straight out of "1984" or Soviet Russia or post 9/11 America.
But it's also annoying that you're pitting people who don't have anything against people who don't have much. The oil companies could probably still eek out a living without the billions of dollars in subsidies. More help for the poor or more money for rich oil executives? This is America and we like to side with The Winner, no matter how detrimental it may be to our own well-being.
Your advice, readers?
Please let your readers know that if they call in with a fraud tip, they are not the ones who are getting anyone in trouble. The people who decided to commit the fraud or do the crime got themselves in trouble. The only way we can help the most people with our limited resources is by eliminating fraud and applying the rules and regulations fairly and equitably for everyone.
Quite often it is neighbors, friends and family members who are our eyes and ears. It is important that they let us know when someone is defrauding the system. No one will lose assistance just because of a tip. We investigate every case and, if proven, the tenants are given an opportunity to appeal and to have a hearing. There are too many families on the waiting list and too many people who need help for fraud to go unreported. -- INVESTIGATOR IN OKLAHOMA CITY
First off, let me say: Boooooorrrrrrriiiiiinnnnnggggg.
Okay, you're scaring Jeer Abby with all this talk about neighbors, friends and family members being the spying eyes and ears of the government. It sounds straight out of "1984" or Soviet Russia or post 9/11 America.
But it's also annoying that you're pitting people who don't have anything against people who don't have much. The oil companies could probably still eek out a living without the billions of dollars in subsidies. More help for the poor or more money for rich oil executives? This is America and we like to side with The Winner, no matter how detrimental it may be to our own well-being.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, June 18, 2007
HEALING IN NEW YORK CITY
DEAR ABBY: I recently had surgery to correct a defect in my urethra. The medical term for it is "hypospadias." I let my co-workers know in an e-mail and provided a link to answer any questions they might have. The link had a photo, and now some people are accusing me of "inappropriate conduct." I have since sent out an apology and a warning not to go to the link.
Abby, it was not my intent to be unprofessional, but I didn't want to have 35 conversations about what the condition is, or 35 conversations about why I am walking so slowly and with a cane. How should I respond? -- HEALING IN NEW YORK CITY
If you're going to send a link to all your co-workers with an image of a penis that has a defective urethra, you might as well send a picture of your own penis. Because they're all going to be picturing your defective urethra for the next week, possibly longer.
I guarantee that you wouldn't have to have 35 conversations about your surgery. All it would take is one conversation with the office gossip and no one would utter a word about your cane (the one to help you walk).
What offends me is the little act you put on. "Gosh, I had no idea my co-workers would be offended by the abnormal placement of the tip of my penis. I just thought they'd want to know why I walk with a cane. It's because of my defective penis--hey, why are you guys laughing?"
But I'm on to you "Healing." You're trying to get fired from your job. You want to blame the firing on your medical condition and sue the company so you never have to work again.
There's only one word for people like you--hypospadias.
Your advice, readers?
Abby, it was not my intent to be unprofessional, but I didn't want to have 35 conversations about what the condition is, or 35 conversations about why I am walking so slowly and with a cane. How should I respond? -- HEALING IN NEW YORK CITY
If you're going to send a link to all your co-workers with an image of a penis that has a defective urethra, you might as well send a picture of your own penis. Because they're all going to be picturing your defective urethra for the next week, possibly longer.
I guarantee that you wouldn't have to have 35 conversations about your surgery. All it would take is one conversation with the office gossip and no one would utter a word about your cane (the one to help you walk).
What offends me is the little act you put on. "Gosh, I had no idea my co-workers would be offended by the abnormal placement of the tip of my penis. I just thought they'd want to know why I walk with a cane. It's because of my defective penis--hey, why are you guys laughing?"
But I'm on to you "Healing." You're trying to get fired from your job. You want to blame the firing on your medical condition and sue the company so you never have to work again.
There's only one word for people like you--hypospadias.
Your advice, readers?
Friday, June 15, 2007
BONNIE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR ABBY: I feel sorry for a friend of my husband's. "Joey" is a really nice guy, but his wife is driving him over the edge. She's obsessive-compulsive and, despite their financial problems, refuses to get a job. She says her mother never had to work and she shouldn't either.
They went to three sessions of marriage counseling, and she refused to go back because their therapist told her she had a serious problem. She told her mom what the therapist said, and they agreed he must be a quack.
Joey is so worried about having to pay alimony and child support that he won't leave, but he confided to my husband that he has thought about doing something to himself. Any advice? -- BONNIE IN MICHIGAN
It's pretty clear what "Joey" needs to do is fake his own death, change his identity and move far away, preferably somewhere in South America.
That may sound extreme, but it's better than killing yourself, which is probably his third best option.
What's his second best option? Clearly, it's to use his wife's obsessive compulsiveness to his advantage and drive her totally insane. If she obsesses about leaving the oven on, then randomly flip it on every once in a while. Is she needs to take exactly eighteen steps to get from the front door of the house to the car, move the car back a few feet one day and forward a few feet another day.
Joey can divorce her, but he'll never get rid of her. Perhaps that's why he's considering suicide. But if he's going to leave his children alone in the world with a woman like this, Joey should at least be slowly tortured to death first.
Your advice, readers?
They went to three sessions of marriage counseling, and she refused to go back because their therapist told her she had a serious problem. She told her mom what the therapist said, and they agreed he must be a quack.
Joey is so worried about having to pay alimony and child support that he won't leave, but he confided to my husband that he has thought about doing something to himself. Any advice? -- BONNIE IN MICHIGAN
It's pretty clear what "Joey" needs to do is fake his own death, change his identity and move far away, preferably somewhere in South America.
That may sound extreme, but it's better than killing yourself, which is probably his third best option.
What's his second best option? Clearly, it's to use his wife's obsessive compulsiveness to his advantage and drive her totally insane. If she obsesses about leaving the oven on, then randomly flip it on every once in a while. Is she needs to take exactly eighteen steps to get from the front door of the house to the car, move the car back a few feet one day and forward a few feet another day.
Joey can divorce her, but he'll never get rid of her. Perhaps that's why he's considering suicide. But if he's going to leave his children alone in the world with a woman like this, Joey should at least be slowly tortured to death first.
Your advice, readers?
Thursday, June 14, 2007
MICHIGAN MINISTER
DEAR ABBY: I feel compelled to comment about the letter from "Miffed Pro in South Carolina" (April 20), the professional photographer who complained about guests taking photographs at weddings.
I am a clergyperson who has seen more than my share of rude, incompetent professional photographers. I have seen them attempt to set up tripods at the altar, leaving no room for the wedding party to stand. I have seen them squat in the middle of the aisle, stopping each couple as they approach to get a "candid" shot. I have cleaned up front pews cluttered with their camera cases and jackets thrown over the altar, delaying the start of the ceremony.
After the wedding, they set up equipment, checking lighting and settings interminably until the bride has lost every bit of "glow" and the candles have burned to stumps. One bride finally shouted, "Enough!" and burst into tears because she wanted to go to her reception.
Ultimately, the bride and groom are often left with substandard photos at a premium price. This, I believe, is why guests bring their own cameras -- so they can capture some fun-filled memories of the day that are affordable. -- MICHIGAN MINISTER
It's great to hear a minister (or clergyperson, whatever the hell that is) rip into someone without invoking the Seven Deadly Sins. Is there some sort of Eleventh Commandment about not setting up tripods near the maid of honor?
It's so easy to get angry with these "professionals" and all their fancy light meters and camera cases. But no matter how annoying photographers are, it's going to be awfully hard to find a bride who isn't going to pay a premium price even for substandard pictures, most of which will be black and white for that artistic touch. Because if you leave it up to your friends to take all the photos at your wedding, all of your documented memories of that day will be your old high school pals flipping off the camera and making crude sexual gestures. Overpaying for photos is just as much a part of a wedding as exchanging rings or grooms getting forty-five lap dances the night before.
But seriously, a clergyperson ripping into a photographerperson about wedding etiquette? As if no minister had ever gone on a tad too long or tried to make everything sound so holy and consecrated that it ruined the honeymoon night.
Your biggest mistake is assuming that the reason people bring cameras to weddings is to capture "fun-filled memories" that are "affordable." What they're really trying to do is capture how much weight the bride has gained, how bald the groom has become and how drunk the maid of honor got so they can email those pictures to all the old friends who didn't get invited to the wedding.
Your advice, readers?
I am a clergyperson who has seen more than my share of rude, incompetent professional photographers. I have seen them attempt to set up tripods at the altar, leaving no room for the wedding party to stand. I have seen them squat in the middle of the aisle, stopping each couple as they approach to get a "candid" shot. I have cleaned up front pews cluttered with their camera cases and jackets thrown over the altar, delaying the start of the ceremony.
After the wedding, they set up equipment, checking lighting and settings interminably until the bride has lost every bit of "glow" and the candles have burned to stumps. One bride finally shouted, "Enough!" and burst into tears because she wanted to go to her reception.
Ultimately, the bride and groom are often left with substandard photos at a premium price. This, I believe, is why guests bring their own cameras -- so they can capture some fun-filled memories of the day that are affordable. -- MICHIGAN MINISTER
It's great to hear a minister (or clergyperson, whatever the hell that is) rip into someone without invoking the Seven Deadly Sins. Is there some sort of Eleventh Commandment about not setting up tripods near the maid of honor?
It's so easy to get angry with these "professionals" and all their fancy light meters and camera cases. But no matter how annoying photographers are, it's going to be awfully hard to find a bride who isn't going to pay a premium price even for substandard pictures, most of which will be black and white for that artistic touch. Because if you leave it up to your friends to take all the photos at your wedding, all of your documented memories of that day will be your old high school pals flipping off the camera and making crude sexual gestures. Overpaying for photos is just as much a part of a wedding as exchanging rings or grooms getting forty-five lap dances the night before.
But seriously, a clergyperson ripping into a photographerperson about wedding etiquette? As if no minister had ever gone on a tad too long or tried to make everything sound so holy and consecrated that it ruined the honeymoon night.
Your biggest mistake is assuming that the reason people bring cameras to weddings is to capture "fun-filled memories" that are "affordable." What they're really trying to do is capture how much weight the bride has gained, how bald the groom has become and how drunk the maid of honor got so they can email those pictures to all the old friends who didn't get invited to the wedding.
Your advice, readers?
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
GOING NOWHERE IN IDAHO
DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-20s, male, an only child, and I came late in life.
Both of my parents are disabled -- one with a host of ailments, and the other with a very bad back. Both are on disability and don't do well on their own.
I made a decision early in young adulthood to drop out of high school and take care of my parents. I got a part-time job and stayed home the rest of the time to help with "around-the-house chores." I have stayed with my parents now for quite a while, and they are mostly dependent on me.
At the risk of sounding selfish, I know they won't be around much longer, and I don't want to be stuck holding the bag when they pass on, with no high school diploma, no higher education and only part-time employment experience.
Don't get me wrong. I love my parents with all my heart, and I don't want to leave them high and dry. What can I do? -- GOING NOWHERE IN IDAHO
No good deed goes unpunished. Who could possibly blame you for wanting to take care of your ailing and presumably elderly parents? Who, besides Jeer Abby, I should say, because I think you've made a horrible blunder--and I don't mean continuing to live in Idaho.
Your big mistake is assuming that they won't be around much longer. You've got this heroic image of staying with them until the end--which you're guessing is some time before the next legal holiday. But if I had to peg two personality types to live a long time, it would be someone with "a host of ailments" or else someone with a "very bad back." The only other type I'd throw in there would be someone who smokes and drinks everyday and eats no less than five pounds of red meat per week.
My point is: these people do not die. They live very long and miserable lives filled with complaints. Unless your parents had you when they were in their late 60s, I'd guess they'll still be kicking when you're in your mid-30s.
Also, consider the fact that your parents planned your birth for this very reason. As they got older, they realized they would need an offspring to care for them in the waning years. So your birth was simply an insurance plan.
The only way you're doing the right thing is if there's a substantial inheritance involved. It's going to be tough getting your GED in your mid-twenties or thirties and the only other job you're qualified for is taking care of other people's ailing, elderly parents.
Don't waste your life waiting for your parents to kick the bucket.
Your advice, readers?
Both of my parents are disabled -- one with a host of ailments, and the other with a very bad back. Both are on disability and don't do well on their own.
I made a decision early in young adulthood to drop out of high school and take care of my parents. I got a part-time job and stayed home the rest of the time to help with "around-the-house chores." I have stayed with my parents now for quite a while, and they are mostly dependent on me.
At the risk of sounding selfish, I know they won't be around much longer, and I don't want to be stuck holding the bag when they pass on, with no high school diploma, no higher education and only part-time employment experience.
Don't get me wrong. I love my parents with all my heart, and I don't want to leave them high and dry. What can I do? -- GOING NOWHERE IN IDAHO
No good deed goes unpunished. Who could possibly blame you for wanting to take care of your ailing and presumably elderly parents? Who, besides Jeer Abby, I should say, because I think you've made a horrible blunder--and I don't mean continuing to live in Idaho.
Your big mistake is assuming that they won't be around much longer. You've got this heroic image of staying with them until the end--which you're guessing is some time before the next legal holiday. But if I had to peg two personality types to live a long time, it would be someone with "a host of ailments" or else someone with a "very bad back." The only other type I'd throw in there would be someone who smokes and drinks everyday and eats no less than five pounds of red meat per week.
My point is: these people do not die. They live very long and miserable lives filled with complaints. Unless your parents had you when they were in their late 60s, I'd guess they'll still be kicking when you're in your mid-30s.
Also, consider the fact that your parents planned your birth for this very reason. As they got older, they realized they would need an offspring to care for them in the waning years. So your birth was simply an insurance plan.
The only way you're doing the right thing is if there's a substantial inheritance involved. It's going to be tough getting your GED in your mid-twenties or thirties and the only other job you're qualified for is taking care of other people's ailing, elderly parents.
Don't waste your life waiting for your parents to kick the bucket.
Your advice, readers?
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
DIANA, HELENA, MONT.
DEAR ABBY: Although this seldom happens, I disagree with your response to "Worried Sick in Pflugerville, Texas" (April 18). Her 18-year-old daughter, "Cameron," wants to make a road trip from Texas to California after her graduation.
By the time my daughter graduated from high school and turned 18, she had already been working for two years and had bought her own car. I was a single parent, and she had also helped with the rent, groceries and utilities -- and still managed to graduate with a 3.9 GPA. She went to San Francisco, Chicago and Las Vegas that summer after graduation -- then returned home, got her own apartment, and continued working at the same grocery store another two years before deciding her career path.
When our children turn 18, they are (by law) adults, and should not have to answer to their parents about their vacation plans. If parents have placed some responsibility on their children's shoulders while growing up, they usually have their feet firmly planted on the ground by the time they are 18.
Mom should untie those apron strings and allow Cameron to shine with the lessons she taught her. -- DIANA, HELENA, MONT.
Any parent who tries to stand in the way of their 18 year old kid's road trip plans deserves to have an 18 year old who wants to travel to bastions of sin like San Francisco, Las Vegas and... well, not so much Chicago.
A road trip is an apt metaphor for life: long stretches of boredom interspersed with moments of photographed exhilaration and frequent compromises to what should be a healthy diet. And looking back on it, you only remember the good parts.
I think for most parents though, it's not a question of micromanaging their children's vacation plans, as you suggest. An 18 year old girl traveling cross-country alone invites all sorts of disasters. And I'm not sure if she becomes less of a target by traveling in a carload of 18 year old girls. Chances are, she won't get dismembered by the highway drifter hiding in the shrubs when her '92 Celica breaks down at night. But it's understandable for parents to worry.
The truth is, your daughter is far more likely to come back with a treatable sexually transmitted disease or a pregnancy termination dilemma than she is to become a victim of roving highway serial killers. Most likely, she'll become enamored with some loser who seems special because he's from a totally different state and then rack up expensive long-distance phone bills and engage in lewd instant messaging sessions before coming to her senses and getting knocked up by a local boy instead.
Your advice, readers?
By the time my daughter graduated from high school and turned 18, she had already been working for two years and had bought her own car. I was a single parent, and she had also helped with the rent, groceries and utilities -- and still managed to graduate with a 3.9 GPA. She went to San Francisco, Chicago and Las Vegas that summer after graduation -- then returned home, got her own apartment, and continued working at the same grocery store another two years before deciding her career path.
When our children turn 18, they are (by law) adults, and should not have to answer to their parents about their vacation plans. If parents have placed some responsibility on their children's shoulders while growing up, they usually have their feet firmly planted on the ground by the time they are 18.
Mom should untie those apron strings and allow Cameron to shine with the lessons she taught her. -- DIANA, HELENA, MONT.
Any parent who tries to stand in the way of their 18 year old kid's road trip plans deserves to have an 18 year old who wants to travel to bastions of sin like San Francisco, Las Vegas and... well, not so much Chicago.
A road trip is an apt metaphor for life: long stretches of boredom interspersed with moments of photographed exhilaration and frequent compromises to what should be a healthy diet. And looking back on it, you only remember the good parts.
I think for most parents though, it's not a question of micromanaging their children's vacation plans, as you suggest. An 18 year old girl traveling cross-country alone invites all sorts of disasters. And I'm not sure if she becomes less of a target by traveling in a carload of 18 year old girls. Chances are, she won't get dismembered by the highway drifter hiding in the shrubs when her '92 Celica breaks down at night. But it's understandable for parents to worry.
The truth is, your daughter is far more likely to come back with a treatable sexually transmitted disease or a pregnancy termination dilemma than she is to become a victim of roving highway serial killers. Most likely, she'll become enamored with some loser who seems special because he's from a totally different state and then rack up expensive long-distance phone bills and engage in lewd instant messaging sessions before coming to her senses and getting knocked up by a local boy instead.
Your advice, readers?
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