HAVING A BALL DOWN SOUTH

DEAR ABBY: My daughter's former lover, "Beau," is my age. (She is 20 years younger.) She was married when she and Beau had their affair, and still is. She regretted the affair, but continues to keep him as a friend. She introduced us a few years ago.

As their affair dwindled to a friendship, Beau and I began to have an interest in each other. As I started to see him in a different light, my family got upset.

Are they overreacting, or is this so strange that I should stop the relationship? It does creep me out a bit, but Beau is such fun to be with that I don't dwell on the past. Would it be extremely weird to date your daughter's ex-lover? Your thoughts, please. -- HAVING A BALL DOWN SOUTH

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "having a ball" but I hope it's not what I'm thinking considering your daughter also had the same ball "down south."

In some ways, this whole messed up situation makes sense. Your daughter was looking for a father figure and you're now playing the role of the mother figure. Wait, that doesn't make this any less gross.

How about... the man currently taking up residence in your vagina also had sex with someone who popped out of that vagina. Hmm, still doesn't seem right.

You should be able to date whoever you want as long as it makes you happy. That would be true if we lived in fairy cupid land (located Down South?). But since we live in a culture where a mother and daughter screwing the same guy should only take place in poorly produced porn movies, your family's horror and revulsion seems appropriate. You ask if they're overreacting? I'd say they're underreacting.

Intentionally or not, you're asking your family to visualize some awfully disturbing stuff. On the plus side, I'm sure you've made Beau get a standing ovation in the health club locker room.

Your advice, readers?

DIANA, HELENA, MONT.

DEAR ABBY: Although this seldom happens, I disagree with your response to "Worried Sick in Pflugerville, Texas" (April 18). Her 18-year-old daughter, "Cameron," wants to make a road trip from Texas to California after her graduation.

By the time my daughter graduated from high school and turned 18, she had already been working for two years and had bought her own car. I was a single parent, and she had also helped with the rent, groceries and utilities -- and still managed to graduate with a 3.9 GPA. She went to San Francisco, Chicago and Las Vegas that summer after graduation -- then returned home, got her own apartment, and continued working at the same grocery store another two years before deciding her career path.

When our children turn 18, they are (by law) adults, and should not have to answer to their parents about their vacation plans. If parents have placed some responsibility on their children's shoulders while growing up, they usually have their feet firmly planted on the ground by the time they are 18.

Mom should untie those apron strings and allow Cameron to shine with the lessons she taught her. -- DIANA, HELENA, MONT.

Any parent who tries to stand in the way of their 18 year old kid's road trip plans deserves to have an 18 year old who wants to travel to bastions of sin like San Francisco, Las Vegas and... well, not so much Chicago.

A road trip is an apt metaphor for life: long stretches of boredom interspersed with moments of photographed exhilaration and frequent compromises to what should be a healthy diet. And looking back on it, you only remember the good parts.

I think for most parents though, it's not a question of micromanaging their children's vacation plans, as you suggest. An 18 year old girl traveling cross-country alone invites all sorts of disasters. And I'm not sure if she becomes less of a target by traveling in a carload of 18 year old girls. Chances are, she won't get dismembered by the highway drifter hiding in the shrubs when her '92 Celica breaks down at night. But it's understandable for parents to worry.

The truth is, your daughter is far more likely to come back with a treatable sexually transmitted disease or a pregnancy termination dilemma than she is to become a victim of roving highway serial killers. Most likely, she'll become enamored with some loser who seems special because he's from a totally different state and then rack up expensive long-distance phone bills and engage in lewd instant messaging sessions before coming to her senses and getting knocked up by a local boy instead.

Your advice, readers?

QUESTIONING IN OKLAHOMA

This may seem like a dumb question, but I really need to know the answer. Can you get pregnant when your breasts are still underdeveloped?

My boyfriend says you can't, but I need to know for sure. I'm afraid to keep birth control in my room because my little sister, who I have to share a room with, constantly snoops through my stuff when I'm not there. She would be sure to show it to our parents if she found it because she loves to get me in trouble, so I really need to know the answer to this. -- QUESTIONING IN OKLAHOMA

It's actually impossible to get pregnant with small breasts because no guy will want to have sex with you. Kidding!

Your boyfriend's job is to say whatever it takes to have sex--preferably without a condom. Your job as a woman--okay, as a pre-teen from the sound of it--is to inform yourself about your body and the diseases and babies that can result when you don't force him to wear a condom. Don't let him fool you, he's still going to have sex with you even if you make him roll on a little latex. Guys really aren't that picky.

If your sister keeps snooping around your stuff, hide your birth control in a hidden corner of her dresser. If your parents are alerted to the existence of birth control pills, simply tell them you were tired of getting all those abortions and the pill is cheaper. They won't have time to punish you because they'll be rushing your father to the hospital from a heart attack.

Your advice, readers?

BROKENHEARTED IN PORTLAND, ORE

Long story short, my husband of 11 years and I were having serious marital problems and on the verge of divorce. At the same time, my sister moved in with us -- at my invitation. Apparently, one thing led to another, and she and my husband say they have fallen in love.

My husband and I decided to try and save our marriage. Then, two days later, he and my sister slept together! I kicked both of them out of my house. They think they did nothing wrong because, according to my husband, he has no intention of working anything out with me. I say he's an S.O.B., and my sister is a @#!%#. Am I wrong?

Everyone in my family agrees with me, and I am being painted by my sister and my husband as "turning everyone against her." I say I'm justified.

What makes it harder is I still love them both and have now lost my sister and my best friend, and I don't know what to do. -- BROKENHEARTED IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR BROKENHEARTED:

You must cold-heartedly cut both of them out of your life forever--or at least for the few months they stay together, at which point you can have your sister back with an unspoken yet ever-present chasm between you. Even though he's an S.O.B. and she's a @#!%#, I suspect you aren't capable of cutting them out forever. Family drama fuels your sense of victimhood and my guess is that playing the victim looms large in your life.

Of course your family is taking your side on this. But I bet you love twisting the knife in your own wound to try and drain every last drop of sympathy from them. I'll let you in on a secret. Your family was already sick of you complaining about your bad marriage for 11 years. They are thrilled something has sparked a change, even if that change qualifies the whole family for a guest spot on the Jerry Springer show.

You were prepared to divorce this guy. Wouldn't the fact that he boinked your sister--most likely in your bed--be enough to downgrade him from your "best friend."

Stop kidding yourself. You don't "love them both." You love the constant state of drama and chaos you're used to after 11 years of serious marital problems. In that sense, the only advice you're likely to take is to try and win your husband back from your sister. It will never work. It will lead to utter catastrophe. But you will be happy in your own miserable way.

Your advice, readers?

DEFLOWERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

I am a 28-year-old woman and have been dating a 26-year-old man I'll call "Chris" for four months. We have become good friends. On our last date, the topic of sex came up, and Chris told me that he was a virgin and that it was very important for him to find a girl who had "never been with anyone" either.

Well, Abby, that bridge was burned when I was a teenager. I was honest with Chris about it, which was not easy because I now regret some of the poor choices I made at that time of my life. I am a completely different person now due to a religious conversion and am waiting until I am married to have sex again.

I told Chris this, and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship. His answer was he'd "have to think about it." We are still friends. He says he likes me and still wants us to date.

However, although I care deeply for him, I now feel devalued. I'm afraid this issue is going to cause problems in the future. I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body. If I had known that virginity was so important to Chris, I would never have dated him in the first place. I can't change the past, and I have strong opinions about men who sing "Amazing Grace" in church while insisting on marrying virgins. What should I do? -- DEFLOWERED IN PENNSYLVANIA


DEAR "DEE":

First of all, you refer to losing your virginity by saying "that bridge was burned when I was a teenager." That conjures up quite an image.

You also say "We are still friends." Yes, a friend is what you call someone you like but aren't having sex with.

Here's advice option one: I'm assuming Chris doesn't drink, so you'll need to figure out a way to sneak alcohol or drugs into his system. Once he's throughly hammered, bring in a prostitute to "burn his bridge". From then on, you'll always have the upper hand because you can say, "At least I never screwed a hooker."

I actually like option two better: Tell Chris you are in fact a virgin, but you wanted to test his purity by pretending to be a non-virginal skank. Now that you know he's also pure, you can become engaged, have a wonderful church wedding. Then on your wedding night, announce that you do not believe in post-marital sex. Chris dies a virgin. Game, set, match.

Your advice, readers?