DEAR ABBY: I am a 33-year-old virgin, and I have never been to a gynecologist. My regular doctor said I should make an appointment to see one. That was a year or so ago. She said it was to "make sure everything was OK."
I have made the appointments, but each time, I chicken out at the last minute and cancel because I have heard that a Pap test is done and it is painful. My best friend said she cried when she had hers done. She said it hurt really bad.
I had anxiety that was really bad two years ago because of big changes in my life. Three of my uncles and two of my cousins died within months of each other. I don't want my anxiety to flare up again. Little things make me anxious, and I am thinking this might trigger an episode.
Should a woman see a gynecologist even if she is not sexually active? Also, do you bleed after a Pap test is done? Thanks, Abby! -- SCARED IN BROOKLYN
I can't believe you're asking Dear Abby if she bleeds after her Pap. I know you probably meant it in a more general way. Do women typically bleed after a Pap. But that's not what you wrote. Here's how I interpret your letter: Dear Abby, Do you personally bleed after a Pap?
Until you wrote that, I never once imagined Dear Abby visiting the gynecologist. Now it's going to take a lot of alcohol and therapy to get some of those images out of my mind.
But your real problem is that you are a bundle of nerves. You talk about a Pap test as if it were a short term sexual relationship. What if you had a Pap test and the doctor never called you back? What's an acceptable time to call him? Two days, a week? Open up the Haagen Daz, sister!
The bad news is that sex will probably be just as painful as a Pap. The good news is that sex probably won't last as long. In either case, it's been 33 years. Time for a little action down there.
Your advice, readers?
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
AWAKE WITH THE SUNRISE, KEIZER, ORE.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Too Tired in Parkville, Mo." (April 27), who said she is "not a morning person," but who has been assigned additional early-morning tasks at work. I, too, am a night owl. Give me a graveyard shift, and I am a happy camper. However, as a single mother of two children, that has never been an option.
I used to have a rough time in the mornings. (I would fall asleep over my keyboard on a regular basis.) I finally sought help from a doctor and learned that my daytime sleepiness was actually from a medical condition. I recommend that "Too Tired" speak to a physician to find out if there is an underlying cause for her sleepiness. -- AWAKE WITH THE SUNRISE, KEIZER, ORE.
Daytime sleepiness? It's a medical condition!
Yes, not everyone is a morna;siiiiiiiiiegjwhHOIUERWAGHOVANHABO;ERNE;BAOINR
(Sorry, I too occasionally fall asleep on my keyboard.)
First of all, I've never heard being tired called "daytime sleepiness" before. That's already a yellow flag in my book. Some marketing expert at a huge pharmaceutical company decided that the best way to sell their new drug was to convince people they suffered from "daytime sleepiness." Hey, they sell enough drugs to people who can't sleep at night. Why not sell drugs to people who are tired during the day?
I'm sure the drug even has a clever name like Arize or Imalert.
Why delve into the world of expensive pharmaceuticals when you can do what most people do. Go to bed a little earlier--aided by alcohol when necessary--and then curse your alarm in the morning and move around like a slightly hungover zombie until you get a cup of coffee. Repeat coffee until daytime sleepiness disappears.
Now that I think about it, I'm sure your letter is actually from the same marketing expert who came up with Arize. Get people who read Dear Abby (or Jeer Abby) to contact their doctor about daytime sleepiness.
My advice is to contact your local barista about daytime sleepiness. They'll be able to provide a natural remedy and your doctor can get back to curing cancer instead of hawking useless drugs for invented symptoms.
Your advice, readers?
I used to have a rough time in the mornings. (I would fall asleep over my keyboard on a regular basis.) I finally sought help from a doctor and learned that my daytime sleepiness was actually from a medical condition. I recommend that "Too Tired" speak to a physician to find out if there is an underlying cause for her sleepiness. -- AWAKE WITH THE SUNRISE, KEIZER, ORE.
Daytime sleepiness? It's a medical condition!
Yes, not everyone is a morna;siiiiiiiiiegjwhHOIUERWAGHOVANHABO;ERNE;BAOINR
(Sorry, I too occasionally fall asleep on my keyboard.)
First of all, I've never heard being tired called "daytime sleepiness" before. That's already a yellow flag in my book. Some marketing expert at a huge pharmaceutical company decided that the best way to sell their new drug was to convince people they suffered from "daytime sleepiness." Hey, they sell enough drugs to people who can't sleep at night. Why not sell drugs to people who are tired during the day?
I'm sure the drug even has a clever name like Arize or Imalert.
Why delve into the world of expensive pharmaceuticals when you can do what most people do. Go to bed a little earlier--aided by alcohol when necessary--and then curse your alarm in the morning and move around like a slightly hungover zombie until you get a cup of coffee. Repeat coffee until daytime sleepiness disappears.
Now that I think about it, I'm sure your letter is actually from the same marketing expert who came up with Arize. Get people who read Dear Abby (or Jeer Abby) to contact their doctor about daytime sleepiness.
My advice is to contact your local barista about daytime sleepiness. They'll be able to provide a natural remedy and your doctor can get back to curing cancer instead of hawking useless drugs for invented symptoms.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, June 25, 2007
LOUISE IN DES MOINES
DEAR ABBY: I was married to my childhood sweetheart, "Dexter," for 13 years. Only the first five were happy. The rest were spent trying to adjust to his alcoholism and make excuses for why he drinks.
We have two children, 12 and 10, whom I love dearly. I finally made the decision to leave when I realized what a poor example Dexter was setting for them.
The problem is, he continually harasses me. He calls constantly and drops over to my apartment without calling. When the kids see their father, they just let him in. If I'm not home, Dexter questions them about who they have seen me with and whatever other information he can pry out of them. My son asks me if it's OK, or what he should say. I have nothing to hide and am not seeing anyone. I told him it's wrong of his father to ask, but if he does then to be honest.
I love Dexter, but I'm so tired and emotionally drained I don't know what to do. I feel this tremendous responsibility for him, and I don't know where it comes from. He was always the dominant one in our relationship. I never even decorated our home because he picked everything out on the pretense of "surprising" me.
I give Dexter money when he asks for it, even though I have the children and he isn't supporting us. I'm in the process of filing for child support, but feel guilty doing it -- like he is going to suffer because I'll be taking money from him. He has a full-time job, so there's no reason why he shouldn't take care of our children. Why do I feel like I'm abandoning him? -- LOUISE IN DES MOINES
This is why marrying your childhood sweetheart is a bad idea.
My question is: why do you feel guilty for doing everything right? That sense of responsibility to him is what's causing you all your problems. And I'm sure Dexter knows how to tap into some childhood memories in a way that makes you feel like you're the one abondoning him.
If you met Dexter last year, you'd run screaming and wouldn't let your children near him. Just because you used to have the same second grade teacher and he put a frog in your desk--or whatever--doesn't mean you owe him anything. Kiss those fantasies of having married your childhood sweetheart behind. There isn't going to be a magical movie ending where he realizes his family is more important than alcohol so he cleans up and everyone is even more happy having survived a test of your love.
The only happy ending here is when Dexter starts kicking in for some child support.
Your advice, readers?
We have two children, 12 and 10, whom I love dearly. I finally made the decision to leave when I realized what a poor example Dexter was setting for them.
The problem is, he continually harasses me. He calls constantly and drops over to my apartment without calling. When the kids see their father, they just let him in. If I'm not home, Dexter questions them about who they have seen me with and whatever other information he can pry out of them. My son asks me if it's OK, or what he should say. I have nothing to hide and am not seeing anyone. I told him it's wrong of his father to ask, but if he does then to be honest.
I love Dexter, but I'm so tired and emotionally drained I don't know what to do. I feel this tremendous responsibility for him, and I don't know where it comes from. He was always the dominant one in our relationship. I never even decorated our home because he picked everything out on the pretense of "surprising" me.
I give Dexter money when he asks for it, even though I have the children and he isn't supporting us. I'm in the process of filing for child support, but feel guilty doing it -- like he is going to suffer because I'll be taking money from him. He has a full-time job, so there's no reason why he shouldn't take care of our children. Why do I feel like I'm abandoning him? -- LOUISE IN DES MOINES
This is why marrying your childhood sweetheart is a bad idea.
My question is: why do you feel guilty for doing everything right? That sense of responsibility to him is what's causing you all your problems. And I'm sure Dexter knows how to tap into some childhood memories in a way that makes you feel like you're the one abondoning him.
If you met Dexter last year, you'd run screaming and wouldn't let your children near him. Just because you used to have the same second grade teacher and he put a frog in your desk--or whatever--doesn't mean you owe him anything. Kiss those fantasies of having married your childhood sweetheart behind. There isn't going to be a magical movie ending where he realizes his family is more important than alcohol so he cleans up and everyone is even more happy having survived a test of your love.
The only happy ending here is when Dexter starts kicking in for some child support.
Your advice, readers?
Friday, June 22, 2007
UNDER A MICROSCOPE IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: One of my female co-workers regularly scrutinizes the wardrobe and accessories of all the other co-workers, male and female. Her scrutiny is so detailed that she notices the littlest thing -- even a change in nail polish color, or the buttons on a jacket.
Every time she sees some new clothing or jewelry, she moves in for a closer look and often touches the item. Her comments are not casual, but very detailed. I feel like I am in the army and going through uniform inspection and that she is constantly judging everyone.
Another co-worker has commented to me about this in a joking way, but I suspect she resents it, too. I want to say something to the offending co-worker so that she will stop examining me from head to toe every day. On the other hand, it's a small office and I want to maintain harmony. Any ideas? -- UNDER A MICROSCOPE IN FLORIDA
Your first problem is that you're trying to maintain harmony in an office environment. Office life depends on petty battles like this to make it interesting.
The easiest thing to do is to turn the tables on her. Start noticing things to point out on her wardrobe and accessories. Touch her. Move in close and stay close for longer than seems comfortable. Suggest a few accessories you'd like to see her wear. Mention that you had a dream last night where she was wearing that same exact outfit and then add, "But then it got a little weird. I shouldn't be telling you this." Or when she's the last one to come into the conference room for a meeting, ask her if she's wearing a g-string of simply not wearing any underwear at all.
Another option would be to go a jeweler and purchase a cheap necklace or brooch and have it engraved in tiny letters that say, "By reading this, you are officially violating my personal space." Or simply, "Back off, bitch."
Ideally, whatever action you choose, you will be able to turn the whole office against her. Thus restoring true office harmony.
Your advice, readers?
Every time she sees some new clothing or jewelry, she moves in for a closer look and often touches the item. Her comments are not casual, but very detailed. I feel like I am in the army and going through uniform inspection and that she is constantly judging everyone.
Another co-worker has commented to me about this in a joking way, but I suspect she resents it, too. I want to say something to the offending co-worker so that she will stop examining me from head to toe every day. On the other hand, it's a small office and I want to maintain harmony. Any ideas? -- UNDER A MICROSCOPE IN FLORIDA
Your first problem is that you're trying to maintain harmony in an office environment. Office life depends on petty battles like this to make it interesting.
The easiest thing to do is to turn the tables on her. Start noticing things to point out on her wardrobe and accessories. Touch her. Move in close and stay close for longer than seems comfortable. Suggest a few accessories you'd like to see her wear. Mention that you had a dream last night where she was wearing that same exact outfit and then add, "But then it got a little weird. I shouldn't be telling you this." Or when she's the last one to come into the conference room for a meeting, ask her if she's wearing a g-string of simply not wearing any underwear at all.
Another option would be to go a jeweler and purchase a cheap necklace or brooch and have it engraved in tiny letters that say, "By reading this, you are officially violating my personal space." Or simply, "Back off, bitch."
Ideally, whatever action you choose, you will be able to turn the whole office against her. Thus restoring true office harmony.
Your advice, readers?
Thursday, June 21, 2007
JIM P., PROMOTION EXPERT IN FLORIDA
DEAR ABBY: "Needs to Be Active" (April 25) wrote that after more than 20 years as a nurse's aide, she feels that no one wants to hire her because she is older. Abby, she does not have an age discrimination problem; she has a marketing and self-promotion problem!
If her experience and abilities are as stated, her skills are in strong demand across the country. People are not "given" jobs -- they have to go after jobs. She should join a local business networking group; visit doctors' offices and leave promotional handouts with her contact information; get to know nurses and staff at hospitals and senior centers and ask for referrals; introduce herself to the H.R. department at large local businesses (where employees frequently need help with ailing parents); call disability insurance companies and learn how to get on their list of recommended home nurses; advertise in the classified ads section of the local paper; and seek help from a business coach or marketing expert. "Needs" has a business problem; she needs a business solution. -- JIM P., PROMOTION EXPERT IN FLORIDA
First of all Jim, is Promotion Expert really your job title? What is the career arc for a Promotion Expert? Do you start off as a Demotion Expert or a Promotion Associate? To what position would a Promotion Expert get promoted to?
Why do I picture you as a Jack Lemmon character in a shoddy tan suit, a flask of whiskey stashed in your desk, always trying to sell people on Proven Methods and Techniques for Achievement while privately contemplating your own suicide?
All of your suggestions seem to come from some pre-Internet version of "What Color is Your Parachute?" that you checked out from the public library and now owe overdue fees. Classified ads in the local paper? Local business networking group? How is it that a Promotion Expert is totally unaware of the existence of the Internet?
Unless you left out any mention of the Internet because you thought some old nurse isn't going to understand newfangled technology? Maybe this elderly, decrepit nurse has a point about age discrimination after all. If she ever gets a chance, I hope she performs on prostate exam on you with her gnarled, arthritic hands.
Your advice, readers?
If her experience and abilities are as stated, her skills are in strong demand across the country. People are not "given" jobs -- they have to go after jobs. She should join a local business networking group; visit doctors' offices and leave promotional handouts with her contact information; get to know nurses and staff at hospitals and senior centers and ask for referrals; introduce herself to the H.R. department at large local businesses (where employees frequently need help with ailing parents); call disability insurance companies and learn how to get on their list of recommended home nurses; advertise in the classified ads section of the local paper; and seek help from a business coach or marketing expert. "Needs" has a business problem; she needs a business solution. -- JIM P., PROMOTION EXPERT IN FLORIDA
First of all Jim, is Promotion Expert really your job title? What is the career arc for a Promotion Expert? Do you start off as a Demotion Expert or a Promotion Associate? To what position would a Promotion Expert get promoted to?
Why do I picture you as a Jack Lemmon character in a shoddy tan suit, a flask of whiskey stashed in your desk, always trying to sell people on Proven Methods and Techniques for Achievement while privately contemplating your own suicide?
All of your suggestions seem to come from some pre-Internet version of "What Color is Your Parachute?" that you checked out from the public library and now owe overdue fees. Classified ads in the local paper? Local business networking group? How is it that a Promotion Expert is totally unaware of the existence of the Internet?
Unless you left out any mention of the Internet because you thought some old nurse isn't going to understand newfangled technology? Maybe this elderly, decrepit nurse has a point about age discrimination after all. If she ever gets a chance, I hope she performs on prostate exam on you with her gnarled, arthritic hands.
Your advice, readers?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
LUCY IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR ABBY: I live next door to a 75-year-old man whose wife died a few months ago. I'm fairly new to the neighborhood and heard of his loss just before Easter. As a caring gesture, I took him a homemade casserole and left my number in case he needed help going to the store or a cup of coffee. Since then, he has been over once with flowers to chat and have coffee, and is now calling me every few days inviting me for lunch, a glass of wine, etc.
I am engaged to be married and he knows this, but my fiance lives in another town. I realize my neighbor is lonely, but he appears to be thinking romantically. I am 30 years his junior and busy with my life. I only just met him and have nothing to say except to listen, which would be OK if I didn't think he was looking for more.
When he was here for coffee, he kissed my forehead several times when he left and wanted several hugs. I feel so sorry for him, but I don't want to lead him on or hurt him more than he already has been. Could this man actually be thinking of another woman this soon after his wife's death? How should I handle this? Please reply ASAP! -- LUCY IN LAS VEGAS
No good deed goes unpunished.
You thought you were dealing with a grieving 75-year-old widower. The image immediately conjures up a sad, semi-pathetic man shuffling along in a corduroy suit, tears constantly welling in his cataract smeared eyes.
What you fail to realize is that a 75-year-old man is just a 25-year-old man who has aged 50 years. Now that his wife is out of the picture, he's going to play the field. Imagine his luck when a woman nearly half his age stops by with a friggin' casserole--and you don't even live in the Midwest. You offer to help him go to the store, get a cup of coffee. For a 75-year-old, asking to go for a cup of coffee is like asking anyone under 40 if they want oral sex.
I wouldn't be surprised if this guy had his own MySpace page and a profile on at least twelve online dating services. He's milking the aging widower angle, knowing a little sympathy may be his last chance at a Viagra fueled night of passion where money does not exchange hands.
You wanted to appear caring and generous with your time and now that he wants to actually take up your time, you no longer feel sympathy for the widower. You thought he'd just live his lonely existence for a few months until dying in his sleep. It's time to face the fact that--despite whipping up casseroles and making empty promises of heartwarming cafe conversations--you're more generous with your good intentions than you are with your time.
Your advice, readers?
I am engaged to be married and he knows this, but my fiance lives in another town. I realize my neighbor is lonely, but he appears to be thinking romantically. I am 30 years his junior and busy with my life. I only just met him and have nothing to say except to listen, which would be OK if I didn't think he was looking for more.
When he was here for coffee, he kissed my forehead several times when he left and wanted several hugs. I feel so sorry for him, but I don't want to lead him on or hurt him more than he already has been. Could this man actually be thinking of another woman this soon after his wife's death? How should I handle this? Please reply ASAP! -- LUCY IN LAS VEGAS
No good deed goes unpunished.
You thought you were dealing with a grieving 75-year-old widower. The image immediately conjures up a sad, semi-pathetic man shuffling along in a corduroy suit, tears constantly welling in his cataract smeared eyes.
What you fail to realize is that a 75-year-old man is just a 25-year-old man who has aged 50 years. Now that his wife is out of the picture, he's going to play the field. Imagine his luck when a woman nearly half his age stops by with a friggin' casserole--and you don't even live in the Midwest. You offer to help him go to the store, get a cup of coffee. For a 75-year-old, asking to go for a cup of coffee is like asking anyone under 40 if they want oral sex.
I wouldn't be surprised if this guy had his own MySpace page and a profile on at least twelve online dating services. He's milking the aging widower angle, knowing a little sympathy may be his last chance at a Viagra fueled night of passion where money does not exchange hands.
You wanted to appear caring and generous with your time and now that he wants to actually take up your time, you no longer feel sympathy for the widower. You thought he'd just live his lonely existence for a few months until dying in his sleep. It's time to face the fact that--despite whipping up casseroles and making empty promises of heartwarming cafe conversations--you're more generous with your good intentions than you are with your time.
Your advice, readers?
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
INVESTIGATOR IN OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR ABBY: Thank you, thank you, for publishing the letter from "Ticked Off in Topeka, Kan." (April 18) concerning welfare fraud, including Section 8 housing fraud. I am an investigator for a housing authority, and our agency is dedicated to maintaining the integrity of the program and protecting the taxpayer dollars entrusted to us. Not a day goes by that I don't hear, "I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but ..."
Please let your readers know that if they call in with a fraud tip, they are not the ones who are getting anyone in trouble. The people who decided to commit the fraud or do the crime got themselves in trouble. The only way we can help the most people with our limited resources is by eliminating fraud and applying the rules and regulations fairly and equitably for everyone.
Quite often it is neighbors, friends and family members who are our eyes and ears. It is important that they let us know when someone is defrauding the system. No one will lose assistance just because of a tip. We investigate every case and, if proven, the tenants are given an opportunity to appeal and to have a hearing. There are too many families on the waiting list and too many people who need help for fraud to go unreported. -- INVESTIGATOR IN OKLAHOMA CITY
First off, let me say: Boooooorrrrrrriiiiiinnnnnggggg.
Okay, you're scaring Jeer Abby with all this talk about neighbors, friends and family members being the spying eyes and ears of the government. It sounds straight out of "1984" or Soviet Russia or post 9/11 America.
But it's also annoying that you're pitting people who don't have anything against people who don't have much. The oil companies could probably still eek out a living without the billions of dollars in subsidies. More help for the poor or more money for rich oil executives? This is America and we like to side with The Winner, no matter how detrimental it may be to our own well-being.
Your advice, readers?
Please let your readers know that if they call in with a fraud tip, they are not the ones who are getting anyone in trouble. The people who decided to commit the fraud or do the crime got themselves in trouble. The only way we can help the most people with our limited resources is by eliminating fraud and applying the rules and regulations fairly and equitably for everyone.
Quite often it is neighbors, friends and family members who are our eyes and ears. It is important that they let us know when someone is defrauding the system. No one will lose assistance just because of a tip. We investigate every case and, if proven, the tenants are given an opportunity to appeal and to have a hearing. There are too many families on the waiting list and too many people who need help for fraud to go unreported. -- INVESTIGATOR IN OKLAHOMA CITY
First off, let me say: Boooooorrrrrrriiiiiinnnnnggggg.
Okay, you're scaring Jeer Abby with all this talk about neighbors, friends and family members being the spying eyes and ears of the government. It sounds straight out of "1984" or Soviet Russia or post 9/11 America.
But it's also annoying that you're pitting people who don't have anything against people who don't have much. The oil companies could probably still eek out a living without the billions of dollars in subsidies. More help for the poor or more money for rich oil executives? This is America and we like to side with The Winner, no matter how detrimental it may be to our own well-being.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, June 18, 2007
HEALING IN NEW YORK CITY
DEAR ABBY: I recently had surgery to correct a defect in my urethra. The medical term for it is "hypospadias." I let my co-workers know in an e-mail and provided a link to answer any questions they might have. The link had a photo, and now some people are accusing me of "inappropriate conduct." I have since sent out an apology and a warning not to go to the link.
Abby, it was not my intent to be unprofessional, but I didn't want to have 35 conversations about what the condition is, or 35 conversations about why I am walking so slowly and with a cane. How should I respond? -- HEALING IN NEW YORK CITY
If you're going to send a link to all your co-workers with an image of a penis that has a defective urethra, you might as well send a picture of your own penis. Because they're all going to be picturing your defective urethra for the next week, possibly longer.
I guarantee that you wouldn't have to have 35 conversations about your surgery. All it would take is one conversation with the office gossip and no one would utter a word about your cane (the one to help you walk).
What offends me is the little act you put on. "Gosh, I had no idea my co-workers would be offended by the abnormal placement of the tip of my penis. I just thought they'd want to know why I walk with a cane. It's because of my defective penis--hey, why are you guys laughing?"
But I'm on to you "Healing." You're trying to get fired from your job. You want to blame the firing on your medical condition and sue the company so you never have to work again.
There's only one word for people like you--hypospadias.
Your advice, readers?
Abby, it was not my intent to be unprofessional, but I didn't want to have 35 conversations about what the condition is, or 35 conversations about why I am walking so slowly and with a cane. How should I respond? -- HEALING IN NEW YORK CITY
If you're going to send a link to all your co-workers with an image of a penis that has a defective urethra, you might as well send a picture of your own penis. Because they're all going to be picturing your defective urethra for the next week, possibly longer.
I guarantee that you wouldn't have to have 35 conversations about your surgery. All it would take is one conversation with the office gossip and no one would utter a word about your cane (the one to help you walk).
What offends me is the little act you put on. "Gosh, I had no idea my co-workers would be offended by the abnormal placement of the tip of my penis. I just thought they'd want to know why I walk with a cane. It's because of my defective penis--hey, why are you guys laughing?"
But I'm on to you "Healing." You're trying to get fired from your job. You want to blame the firing on your medical condition and sue the company so you never have to work again.
There's only one word for people like you--hypospadias.
Your advice, readers?
Friday, June 15, 2007
BONNIE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR ABBY: I feel sorry for a friend of my husband's. "Joey" is a really nice guy, but his wife is driving him over the edge. She's obsessive-compulsive and, despite their financial problems, refuses to get a job. She says her mother never had to work and she shouldn't either.
They went to three sessions of marriage counseling, and she refused to go back because their therapist told her she had a serious problem. She told her mom what the therapist said, and they agreed he must be a quack.
Joey is so worried about having to pay alimony and child support that he won't leave, but he confided to my husband that he has thought about doing something to himself. Any advice? -- BONNIE IN MICHIGAN
It's pretty clear what "Joey" needs to do is fake his own death, change his identity and move far away, preferably somewhere in South America.
That may sound extreme, but it's better than killing yourself, which is probably his third best option.
What's his second best option? Clearly, it's to use his wife's obsessive compulsiveness to his advantage and drive her totally insane. If she obsesses about leaving the oven on, then randomly flip it on every once in a while. Is she needs to take exactly eighteen steps to get from the front door of the house to the car, move the car back a few feet one day and forward a few feet another day.
Joey can divorce her, but he'll never get rid of her. Perhaps that's why he's considering suicide. But if he's going to leave his children alone in the world with a woman like this, Joey should at least be slowly tortured to death first.
Your advice, readers?
They went to three sessions of marriage counseling, and she refused to go back because their therapist told her she had a serious problem. She told her mom what the therapist said, and they agreed he must be a quack.
Joey is so worried about having to pay alimony and child support that he won't leave, but he confided to my husband that he has thought about doing something to himself. Any advice? -- BONNIE IN MICHIGAN
It's pretty clear what "Joey" needs to do is fake his own death, change his identity and move far away, preferably somewhere in South America.
That may sound extreme, but it's better than killing yourself, which is probably his third best option.
What's his second best option? Clearly, it's to use his wife's obsessive compulsiveness to his advantage and drive her totally insane. If she obsesses about leaving the oven on, then randomly flip it on every once in a while. Is she needs to take exactly eighteen steps to get from the front door of the house to the car, move the car back a few feet one day and forward a few feet another day.
Joey can divorce her, but he'll never get rid of her. Perhaps that's why he's considering suicide. But if he's going to leave his children alone in the world with a woman like this, Joey should at least be slowly tortured to death first.
Your advice, readers?
Thursday, June 14, 2007
MICHIGAN MINISTER
DEAR ABBY: I feel compelled to comment about the letter from "Miffed Pro in South Carolina" (April 20), the professional photographer who complained about guests taking photographs at weddings.
I am a clergyperson who has seen more than my share of rude, incompetent professional photographers. I have seen them attempt to set up tripods at the altar, leaving no room for the wedding party to stand. I have seen them squat in the middle of the aisle, stopping each couple as they approach to get a "candid" shot. I have cleaned up front pews cluttered with their camera cases and jackets thrown over the altar, delaying the start of the ceremony.
After the wedding, they set up equipment, checking lighting and settings interminably until the bride has lost every bit of "glow" and the candles have burned to stumps. One bride finally shouted, "Enough!" and burst into tears because she wanted to go to her reception.
Ultimately, the bride and groom are often left with substandard photos at a premium price. This, I believe, is why guests bring their own cameras -- so they can capture some fun-filled memories of the day that are affordable. -- MICHIGAN MINISTER
It's great to hear a minister (or clergyperson, whatever the hell that is) rip into someone without invoking the Seven Deadly Sins. Is there some sort of Eleventh Commandment about not setting up tripods near the maid of honor?
It's so easy to get angry with these "professionals" and all their fancy light meters and camera cases. But no matter how annoying photographers are, it's going to be awfully hard to find a bride who isn't going to pay a premium price even for substandard pictures, most of which will be black and white for that artistic touch. Because if you leave it up to your friends to take all the photos at your wedding, all of your documented memories of that day will be your old high school pals flipping off the camera and making crude sexual gestures. Overpaying for photos is just as much a part of a wedding as exchanging rings or grooms getting forty-five lap dances the night before.
But seriously, a clergyperson ripping into a photographerperson about wedding etiquette? As if no minister had ever gone on a tad too long or tried to make everything sound so holy and consecrated that it ruined the honeymoon night.
Your biggest mistake is assuming that the reason people bring cameras to weddings is to capture "fun-filled memories" that are "affordable." What they're really trying to do is capture how much weight the bride has gained, how bald the groom has become and how drunk the maid of honor got so they can email those pictures to all the old friends who didn't get invited to the wedding.
Your advice, readers?
I am a clergyperson who has seen more than my share of rude, incompetent professional photographers. I have seen them attempt to set up tripods at the altar, leaving no room for the wedding party to stand. I have seen them squat in the middle of the aisle, stopping each couple as they approach to get a "candid" shot. I have cleaned up front pews cluttered with their camera cases and jackets thrown over the altar, delaying the start of the ceremony.
After the wedding, they set up equipment, checking lighting and settings interminably until the bride has lost every bit of "glow" and the candles have burned to stumps. One bride finally shouted, "Enough!" and burst into tears because she wanted to go to her reception.
Ultimately, the bride and groom are often left with substandard photos at a premium price. This, I believe, is why guests bring their own cameras -- so they can capture some fun-filled memories of the day that are affordable. -- MICHIGAN MINISTER
It's great to hear a minister (or clergyperson, whatever the hell that is) rip into someone without invoking the Seven Deadly Sins. Is there some sort of Eleventh Commandment about not setting up tripods near the maid of honor?
It's so easy to get angry with these "professionals" and all their fancy light meters and camera cases. But no matter how annoying photographers are, it's going to be awfully hard to find a bride who isn't going to pay a premium price even for substandard pictures, most of which will be black and white for that artistic touch. Because if you leave it up to your friends to take all the photos at your wedding, all of your documented memories of that day will be your old high school pals flipping off the camera and making crude sexual gestures. Overpaying for photos is just as much a part of a wedding as exchanging rings or grooms getting forty-five lap dances the night before.
But seriously, a clergyperson ripping into a photographerperson about wedding etiquette? As if no minister had ever gone on a tad too long or tried to make everything sound so holy and consecrated that it ruined the honeymoon night.
Your biggest mistake is assuming that the reason people bring cameras to weddings is to capture "fun-filled memories" that are "affordable." What they're really trying to do is capture how much weight the bride has gained, how bald the groom has become and how drunk the maid of honor got so they can email those pictures to all the old friends who didn't get invited to the wedding.
Your advice, readers?
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
GOING NOWHERE IN IDAHO
DEAR ABBY: I am in my mid-20s, male, an only child, and I came late in life.
Both of my parents are disabled -- one with a host of ailments, and the other with a very bad back. Both are on disability and don't do well on their own.
I made a decision early in young adulthood to drop out of high school and take care of my parents. I got a part-time job and stayed home the rest of the time to help with "around-the-house chores." I have stayed with my parents now for quite a while, and they are mostly dependent on me.
At the risk of sounding selfish, I know they won't be around much longer, and I don't want to be stuck holding the bag when they pass on, with no high school diploma, no higher education and only part-time employment experience.
Don't get me wrong. I love my parents with all my heart, and I don't want to leave them high and dry. What can I do? -- GOING NOWHERE IN IDAHO
No good deed goes unpunished. Who could possibly blame you for wanting to take care of your ailing and presumably elderly parents? Who, besides Jeer Abby, I should say, because I think you've made a horrible blunder--and I don't mean continuing to live in Idaho.
Your big mistake is assuming that they won't be around much longer. You've got this heroic image of staying with them until the end--which you're guessing is some time before the next legal holiday. But if I had to peg two personality types to live a long time, it would be someone with "a host of ailments" or else someone with a "very bad back." The only other type I'd throw in there would be someone who smokes and drinks everyday and eats no less than five pounds of red meat per week.
My point is: these people do not die. They live very long and miserable lives filled with complaints. Unless your parents had you when they were in their late 60s, I'd guess they'll still be kicking when you're in your mid-30s.
Also, consider the fact that your parents planned your birth for this very reason. As they got older, they realized they would need an offspring to care for them in the waning years. So your birth was simply an insurance plan.
The only way you're doing the right thing is if there's a substantial inheritance involved. It's going to be tough getting your GED in your mid-twenties or thirties and the only other job you're qualified for is taking care of other people's ailing, elderly parents.
Don't waste your life waiting for your parents to kick the bucket.
Your advice, readers?
Both of my parents are disabled -- one with a host of ailments, and the other with a very bad back. Both are on disability and don't do well on their own.
I made a decision early in young adulthood to drop out of high school and take care of my parents. I got a part-time job and stayed home the rest of the time to help with "around-the-house chores." I have stayed with my parents now for quite a while, and they are mostly dependent on me.
At the risk of sounding selfish, I know they won't be around much longer, and I don't want to be stuck holding the bag when they pass on, with no high school diploma, no higher education and only part-time employment experience.
Don't get me wrong. I love my parents with all my heart, and I don't want to leave them high and dry. What can I do? -- GOING NOWHERE IN IDAHO
No good deed goes unpunished. Who could possibly blame you for wanting to take care of your ailing and presumably elderly parents? Who, besides Jeer Abby, I should say, because I think you've made a horrible blunder--and I don't mean continuing to live in Idaho.
Your big mistake is assuming that they won't be around much longer. You've got this heroic image of staying with them until the end--which you're guessing is some time before the next legal holiday. But if I had to peg two personality types to live a long time, it would be someone with "a host of ailments" or else someone with a "very bad back." The only other type I'd throw in there would be someone who smokes and drinks everyday and eats no less than five pounds of red meat per week.
My point is: these people do not die. They live very long and miserable lives filled with complaints. Unless your parents had you when they were in their late 60s, I'd guess they'll still be kicking when you're in your mid-30s.
Also, consider the fact that your parents planned your birth for this very reason. As they got older, they realized they would need an offspring to care for them in the waning years. So your birth was simply an insurance plan.
The only way you're doing the right thing is if there's a substantial inheritance involved. It's going to be tough getting your GED in your mid-twenties or thirties and the only other job you're qualified for is taking care of other people's ailing, elderly parents.
Don't waste your life waiting for your parents to kick the bucket.
Your advice, readers?
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
DIANA, HELENA, MONT.
DEAR ABBY: Although this seldom happens, I disagree with your response to "Worried Sick in Pflugerville, Texas" (April 18). Her 18-year-old daughter, "Cameron," wants to make a road trip from Texas to California after her graduation.
By the time my daughter graduated from high school and turned 18, she had already been working for two years and had bought her own car. I was a single parent, and she had also helped with the rent, groceries and utilities -- and still managed to graduate with a 3.9 GPA. She went to San Francisco, Chicago and Las Vegas that summer after graduation -- then returned home, got her own apartment, and continued working at the same grocery store another two years before deciding her career path.
When our children turn 18, they are (by law) adults, and should not have to answer to their parents about their vacation plans. If parents have placed some responsibility on their children's shoulders while growing up, they usually have their feet firmly planted on the ground by the time they are 18.
Mom should untie those apron strings and allow Cameron to shine with the lessons she taught her. -- DIANA, HELENA, MONT.
Any parent who tries to stand in the way of their 18 year old kid's road trip plans deserves to have an 18 year old who wants to travel to bastions of sin like San Francisco, Las Vegas and... well, not so much Chicago.
A road trip is an apt metaphor for life: long stretches of boredom interspersed with moments of photographed exhilaration and frequent compromises to what should be a healthy diet. And looking back on it, you only remember the good parts.
I think for most parents though, it's not a question of micromanaging their children's vacation plans, as you suggest. An 18 year old girl traveling cross-country alone invites all sorts of disasters. And I'm not sure if she becomes less of a target by traveling in a carload of 18 year old girls. Chances are, she won't get dismembered by the highway drifter hiding in the shrubs when her '92 Celica breaks down at night. But it's understandable for parents to worry.
The truth is, your daughter is far more likely to come back with a treatable sexually transmitted disease or a pregnancy termination dilemma than she is to become a victim of roving highway serial killers. Most likely, she'll become enamored with some loser who seems special because he's from a totally different state and then rack up expensive long-distance phone bills and engage in lewd instant messaging sessions before coming to her senses and getting knocked up by a local boy instead.
Your advice, readers?
By the time my daughter graduated from high school and turned 18, she had already been working for two years and had bought her own car. I was a single parent, and she had also helped with the rent, groceries and utilities -- and still managed to graduate with a 3.9 GPA. She went to San Francisco, Chicago and Las Vegas that summer after graduation -- then returned home, got her own apartment, and continued working at the same grocery store another two years before deciding her career path.
When our children turn 18, they are (by law) adults, and should not have to answer to their parents about their vacation plans. If parents have placed some responsibility on their children's shoulders while growing up, they usually have their feet firmly planted on the ground by the time they are 18.
Mom should untie those apron strings and allow Cameron to shine with the lessons she taught her. -- DIANA, HELENA, MONT.
Any parent who tries to stand in the way of their 18 year old kid's road trip plans deserves to have an 18 year old who wants to travel to bastions of sin like San Francisco, Las Vegas and... well, not so much Chicago.
A road trip is an apt metaphor for life: long stretches of boredom interspersed with moments of photographed exhilaration and frequent compromises to what should be a healthy diet. And looking back on it, you only remember the good parts.
I think for most parents though, it's not a question of micromanaging their children's vacation plans, as you suggest. An 18 year old girl traveling cross-country alone invites all sorts of disasters. And I'm not sure if she becomes less of a target by traveling in a carload of 18 year old girls. Chances are, she won't get dismembered by the highway drifter hiding in the shrubs when her '92 Celica breaks down at night. But it's understandable for parents to worry.
The truth is, your daughter is far more likely to come back with a treatable sexually transmitted disease or a pregnancy termination dilemma than she is to become a victim of roving highway serial killers. Most likely, she'll become enamored with some loser who seems special because he's from a totally different state and then rack up expensive long-distance phone bills and engage in lewd instant messaging sessions before coming to her senses and getting knocked up by a local boy instead.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, June 11, 2007
JUDY IN BIRMINGHAM, ALA.
DEAR ABBY: Is 16 too young to know you're truly in love? My boyfriend, "Miles," and I both feel that we're truly in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together. We realize that it will be a few years at the least before we can marry, but we're willing to wait.
My older sister laughs at me when I say that I know I'm in love. She says I am way too young, and I need to be older and more mature -- like she is -- to understand. She's 17 1/2, so she's really not that much older.
I have a large picture of Miles in our room, and when she has friends over, she points at it and says, "That's Judy's true love forever," and they all laugh about it. Can you be truly in love at my age? -- JUDY IN BIRMINGHAM, ALA.
It's hard NOT to be truly in love when you're 16.
Your big concern isn't how to enjoy true love for the rest of your life. You need to start re-thinking this whole getting married in a few years thing. There are laws against drinking alcohol before you're 21 years old, but apparently the teenage years are still acceptable for making legally binding lifelong committments. It's certainly not going to damper your true love to wait until you can legally consume champagne at your wedding.
My guess is that you'll be able to drive each other nuts before then with inflated, unrealistic expectations. Or Miles will be so mortified to find a large photo hanging in your room that he'll start talking about "needing space."
Your advice, readers?
My older sister laughs at me when I say that I know I'm in love. She says I am way too young, and I need to be older and more mature -- like she is -- to understand. She's 17 1/2, so she's really not that much older.
I have a large picture of Miles in our room, and when she has friends over, she points at it and says, "That's Judy's true love forever," and they all laugh about it. Can you be truly in love at my age? -- JUDY IN BIRMINGHAM, ALA.
It's hard NOT to be truly in love when you're 16.
Your big concern isn't how to enjoy true love for the rest of your life. You need to start re-thinking this whole getting married in a few years thing. There are laws against drinking alcohol before you're 21 years old, but apparently the teenage years are still acceptable for making legally binding lifelong committments. It's certainly not going to damper your true love to wait until you can legally consume champagne at your wedding.
My guess is that you'll be able to drive each other nuts before then with inflated, unrealistic expectations. Or Miles will be so mortified to find a large photo hanging in your room that he'll start talking about "needing space."
Your advice, readers?
Friday, June 8, 2007
HURTING IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR ABBY: I am 17 years old and believe I am suffering from chronic depression. I am very emotional and cry a lot. I get good grades, and people say I'm a great baby sitter, but I feel that I'm not good at anything else.
My younger sister, who is 15, is very outgoing and has a lot of friends. I have only a few, so I get jealous.
Now I have started gaining weight to the point that I am no longer "skinny."
About four months ago, my best friend of two years and I stopped getting along, and we haven't spoken since.
I have had counseling for two years. I go every three months, but nothing is changing. Both my parents feel that it is a waste of money. I try to talk to them sometimes, but they just take it as a joke. I am confused about everything, and I am so lonely. Do you have any advice? -- HURTING IN PENNSYLVANIA
Depression? Very emotional? Cries a lot? Confusion and loneliness? My diagnosis is that you're a teenager.
I'm not trying to make light of your misery, the way I usually do with people who write in, but I don't want you to start labeling yourself with ailments. If you're clinically depressed, by all means seek help and start popping those anti-depressants. But if you're just teenage depressed, powder your face white, go heavy on the eyeliner and start listening to whichever goth bands are popular with the kids these days. Ask yourself if perhaps your depression is actually existential angst. Read some Camus or watch Woody Allen movies from the post-Annie Hall era. Revel in your depression because the teenage years are the only time that depression is actually cool.
Also, you wouldn't train for a marathon by running every three months. Maybe you ought to visit the counselor more frequently. If your parents joke about your problems, stop talking to them.
You're a good babysitter. My advice is to start saving your money so you can go off to college next year and get far away from your friends, family and the town that make you feel like sh**.
Your advice, readers?
My younger sister, who is 15, is very outgoing and has a lot of friends. I have only a few, so I get jealous.
Now I have started gaining weight to the point that I am no longer "skinny."
About four months ago, my best friend of two years and I stopped getting along, and we haven't spoken since.
I have had counseling for two years. I go every three months, but nothing is changing. Both my parents feel that it is a waste of money. I try to talk to them sometimes, but they just take it as a joke. I am confused about everything, and I am so lonely. Do you have any advice? -- HURTING IN PENNSYLVANIA
Depression? Very emotional? Cries a lot? Confusion and loneliness? My diagnosis is that you're a teenager.
I'm not trying to make light of your misery, the way I usually do with people who write in, but I don't want you to start labeling yourself with ailments. If you're clinically depressed, by all means seek help and start popping those anti-depressants. But if you're just teenage depressed, powder your face white, go heavy on the eyeliner and start listening to whichever goth bands are popular with the kids these days. Ask yourself if perhaps your depression is actually existential angst. Read some Camus or watch Woody Allen movies from the post-Annie Hall era. Revel in your depression because the teenage years are the only time that depression is actually cool.
Also, you wouldn't train for a marathon by running every three months. Maybe you ought to visit the counselor more frequently. If your parents joke about your problems, stop talking to them.
You're a good babysitter. My advice is to start saving your money so you can go off to college next year and get far away from your friends, family and the town that make you feel like sh**.
Your advice, readers?
Thursday, June 7, 2007
PROUD OF MYSELF IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR ABBY: "Heartbroken in Westchester, Pa." (April 9) said she had just broken up with an emotionally abusive man who withheld affection from her because he wanted her to lose weight. She went on to say she was working on her master's in counseling psychology, and couldn't understand why she had tolerated his emotional abuse for nine months. She said she could hear his put-downs over and over, and knew it was self-destructive but couldn't let it go.
Please tell her that the best weight she ever lost was the burden of "Shallow Hal." Unfortunately, I married a man much like him. His favorite pastime was degrading my career choice. (I'm in the military and have been for 19 years.) Your comment, "trying to win an unwinnable man," hit me like a ton of bricks.
Thankfully, I was only with my husband nine months before I came to my senses, but the damage to my self-esteem and trust was severe. I got help through both military and civilian resources, and went on two anti-depressants for depression and insomnia for six months -- enough time to get it through my head that it wasn't my issue, it was his.
Please tell "Heartbroken" there are men out there who will love and appreciate her for who she is, not how much she weighs. -- PROUD OF MYSELF IN SAN ANTONIO
Okay, granted "Shallow Hal" sounds like a real jerk but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that even if "Heartbroken" starved herself down to 90 pounds and started modeling thong underwear, she'd still find a way to get into relationships with guys who treat her like the crap.
In other words, I couldn't disagree with you more.
Some people are just wired for chaos and self-destruction. Take yourself, for instance. Six months of insomnia is how you get back to being healthy after a nine month marriage. Now you can go off and find a new man with a different problem you can try to fix. On the off chance you ever get attracted to a decent, emotionally non-abusive man, you'd be so bored with him that you'd dump him for the first douche bag to cast a judgmental look your direction.
At least both of you dumped these terrible husbands, which tells me you read Jeer Abby regularly. Hopefully now you can realize that "it wasn't my issue, it was his" is a little too easy of an answer. He has his issue, you have your issue. Why is it that your issue is being attracted to guys with his issue is a question you'll need to lose a lot more sleep over.
Your advice, readers?
Please tell her that the best weight she ever lost was the burden of "Shallow Hal." Unfortunately, I married a man much like him. His favorite pastime was degrading my career choice. (I'm in the military and have been for 19 years.) Your comment, "trying to win an unwinnable man," hit me like a ton of bricks.
Thankfully, I was only with my husband nine months before I came to my senses, but the damage to my self-esteem and trust was severe. I got help through both military and civilian resources, and went on two anti-depressants for depression and insomnia for six months -- enough time to get it through my head that it wasn't my issue, it was his.
Please tell "Heartbroken" there are men out there who will love and appreciate her for who she is, not how much she weighs. -- PROUD OF MYSELF IN SAN ANTONIO
Okay, granted "Shallow Hal" sounds like a real jerk but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that even if "Heartbroken" starved herself down to 90 pounds and started modeling thong underwear, she'd still find a way to get into relationships with guys who treat her like the crap.
In other words, I couldn't disagree with you more.
Some people are just wired for chaos and self-destruction. Take yourself, for instance. Six months of insomnia is how you get back to being healthy after a nine month marriage. Now you can go off and find a new man with a different problem you can try to fix. On the off chance you ever get attracted to a decent, emotionally non-abusive man, you'd be so bored with him that you'd dump him for the first douche bag to cast a judgmental look your direction.
At least both of you dumped these terrible husbands, which tells me you read Jeer Abby regularly. Hopefully now you can realize that "it wasn't my issue, it was his" is a little too easy of an answer. He has his issue, you have your issue. Why is it that your issue is being attracted to guys with his issue is a question you'll need to lose a lot more sleep over.
Your advice, readers?
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
BAFFLED IN WASHINGTON
DEAR ABBY: I find myself in a head vs. heart situation. I have ended an emotionally draining relationship of more than 10 years. As I tried to find the courage to "move on," I found myself turning to a married woman who understood everything I had experienced and made me believe that she was also looking for the courage to change her situation. Our relationship grew into something more than it should have, considering her marital status -- and a considerable amount of time has passed.
I still believe she is my closest friend, but I don't know if I should continue to support her in the hope that she will make a change. Or is it time to face the realization that I have made a big mistake and try to cut my ties with this woman? I am at the point of near obsession with wondering if this vision in my heart will ever come true.
My heart says hold out; my head says back away. I'm looking for objective wisdom. -- BAFFLED IN WASHINGTON
Objective wisdom? You've come to the right place.
Any time there is a "head vs. heart" situation, Jeer Abby always sides on going with your heart. Not because it's more romantic and can lead to true happiness, but because the outcome tends to range from dramatic to tragic, which is more fun to observe as an outsider. If you start making choices with your head, you're likely to start doing things the right way. That's no fun to mock from a distance.
Only your heart could have kept you in an "emotionally draining" relationship for a decade. Only your heart could make you believe this married woman you're sleeping with is your "closest friend." Only your heart could convince you that maybe there's a possibility this woman will leave her husband for someone as needy as you.
Your head is going to tell you things you don't want to hear, so why listen? Do you really want to know that you're embarking on yet another emotionally draining relationship? Do you really want to stop sleeping with the only woman who doesn't contemplate her own suicide just to avoid having to listen to you drone on about your 10 year mistake?
My objective advice is to hold out for this woman for no more than seven years--since it's my objective to mock the avoidable misery your heart is so good at delivering.
Your advice, readers?
I still believe she is my closest friend, but I don't know if I should continue to support her in the hope that she will make a change. Or is it time to face the realization that I have made a big mistake and try to cut my ties with this woman? I am at the point of near obsession with wondering if this vision in my heart will ever come true.
My heart says hold out; my head says back away. I'm looking for objective wisdom. -- BAFFLED IN WASHINGTON
Objective wisdom? You've come to the right place.
Any time there is a "head vs. heart" situation, Jeer Abby always sides on going with your heart. Not because it's more romantic and can lead to true happiness, but because the outcome tends to range from dramatic to tragic, which is more fun to observe as an outsider. If you start making choices with your head, you're likely to start doing things the right way. That's no fun to mock from a distance.
Only your heart could have kept you in an "emotionally draining" relationship for a decade. Only your heart could make you believe this married woman you're sleeping with is your "closest friend." Only your heart could convince you that maybe there's a possibility this woman will leave her husband for someone as needy as you.
Your head is going to tell you things you don't want to hear, so why listen? Do you really want to know that you're embarking on yet another emotionally draining relationship? Do you really want to stop sleeping with the only woman who doesn't contemplate her own suicide just to avoid having to listen to you drone on about your 10 year mistake?
My objective advice is to hold out for this woman for no more than seven years--since it's my objective to mock the avoidable misery your heart is so good at delivering.
Your advice, readers?
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
BILL IN MICHIGAN
DEAR ABBY: Wow! I can't believe that "Terri in Johnstown, Pa." (April 7) has the nerve to complain about how her husband washes the dishes or vacuums. She should be grateful her husband isn't like so many other husbands, who sit on the couch while their wives do the dishes themselves.
If you use hot water and good detergent, there are no germs left. I was always taught to wash the dishes first (glasses, plates, silverware), and leave the pans for last. Beyond that the order doesn't matter.
Personally, I do the dishes in order of how they best fit in the drainer, and my wife has never complained. Because "Terri" feels that certain things need to be washed first, perhaps she should suggest that her husband move over so that she can wash and he can rinse.
My wife and I are split on the vacuuming issue. I think you should dust first, then vacuum. My wife seems to think that dusting last will remove the dust stirred up by the vacuum. With today's technology, I really don't think it matters either way.
One of the best lessons I learned while growing up is that if you complain about how somebody is doing something, be prepared to do it yourself. -- BILL IN MICHIGAN
Honestly Bill, if there were a Noble prize for Husbandry (the marital kind, not the animal kind), you would certainly be making a trip to Stockholm to give your acceptance speech.
In your speech, be sure to thank yourself for being so wonderful and proactive in the chores department. You're truly a saint and I'm sure you love going on for great lengths about how you enjoy doing the chores. However, you forgot to mention how you completely ignored chores for twenty-two years until your wife threatened to leave you and you went to a marriage counselor and the best the therapist could do was recommend you vacuum and--this is the most emasculating part--dust.
Dusting, Bill? I don't care how desperately you're trying to save your marriage by equally sharing in chore duty, there is simply no reason for anyone except Alice from the Brady Bunch to dust anything. Get one of those Swiffer things. I picture you prancing around with a feather duster, fearful with the thought that for you, uncleanliness is next to loneliness.
You attempt to make cleaning sound manly: "With today's technology." Maybe if you name dropped Dyson's trademarked Root Cyclone suction system or advances in electrostatic cloth, I would believe the science of cleaning is what interests you. But chores are clearly an attempt to patch up your almost ruined marriage. Look no further than the Freudian "My wife and I are split..." on the vacuuming issue.
You also complain about Terri complaining about washing dishes in a certain order. Then you go on to declare what the proper order should be.
I'm sure you scored some brownie points as your wife looked over your shoulder while you wrote your letter. But leave Terri alone. Her husband is obviously doing all the chores wrong on purpose so Terri will step in and do them properly. Maybe you should be taking notes instead of writing outraged letters.
Your advice, readers?
If you use hot water and good detergent, there are no germs left. I was always taught to wash the dishes first (glasses, plates, silverware), and leave the pans for last. Beyond that the order doesn't matter.
Personally, I do the dishes in order of how they best fit in the drainer, and my wife has never complained. Because "Terri" feels that certain things need to be washed first, perhaps she should suggest that her husband move over so that she can wash and he can rinse.
My wife and I are split on the vacuuming issue. I think you should dust first, then vacuum. My wife seems to think that dusting last will remove the dust stirred up by the vacuum. With today's technology, I really don't think it matters either way.
One of the best lessons I learned while growing up is that if you complain about how somebody is doing something, be prepared to do it yourself. -- BILL IN MICHIGAN
Honestly Bill, if there were a Noble prize for Husbandry (the marital kind, not the animal kind), you would certainly be making a trip to Stockholm to give your acceptance speech.
In your speech, be sure to thank yourself for being so wonderful and proactive in the chores department. You're truly a saint and I'm sure you love going on for great lengths about how you enjoy doing the chores. However, you forgot to mention how you completely ignored chores for twenty-two years until your wife threatened to leave you and you went to a marriage counselor and the best the therapist could do was recommend you vacuum and--this is the most emasculating part--dust.
Dusting, Bill? I don't care how desperately you're trying to save your marriage by equally sharing in chore duty, there is simply no reason for anyone except Alice from the Brady Bunch to dust anything. Get one of those Swiffer things. I picture you prancing around with a feather duster, fearful with the thought that for you, uncleanliness is next to loneliness.
You attempt to make cleaning sound manly: "With today's technology." Maybe if you name dropped Dyson's trademarked Root Cyclone suction system or advances in electrostatic cloth, I would believe the science of cleaning is what interests you. But chores are clearly an attempt to patch up your almost ruined marriage. Look no further than the Freudian "My wife and I are split..." on the vacuuming issue.
You also complain about Terri complaining about washing dishes in a certain order. Then you go on to declare what the proper order should be.
I'm sure you scored some brownie points as your wife looked over your shoulder while you wrote your letter. But leave Terri alone. Her husband is obviously doing all the chores wrong on purpose so Terri will step in and do them properly. Maybe you should be taking notes instead of writing outraged letters.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, June 4, 2007
DRIPPY'S WIFE
DEAR ABBY: Every faucet in our house has a slow drip -- the kitchen sink, the bathtub, the upstairs bathroom. My husband "Earl's" response to the kitchen drip is that he wants to replace the entire sink and countertop, so "we'll do it all then." For the one in our bathtub, he says, "We're going to tear all that out anyway and put in a new tub." Earl avidly watches home improvement shows and drags me to home improvement stores to look at the replacements, but never buys anything or follows through with any projects.
I am willing to approve anything that gets the drips stopped, whether it's a faucet replacement or a whole new kitchen. Earl is fully capable of doing the job himself and has all the new tools.
I might add that he takes the same approach to the old truck he's going to fix up, the painting that needs to be done, the porch to be replaced and other projects. He is full of talk, but to myself I refer to him as "the Big Drip." How do I get him to fix the problem? -- DRIPPY'S WIFE
I like Earl's approach. Don't fix the small problem, wait until you can make it a bigger mess and handle everything at that point.
This approach should worry you when it comes to your nagging because he's probably thinking, "Why argue now, since I'm going to empty our bank account and run off with a barely legal stripper?"
You say Earl is "fully capable" but I think of him as a "lazy slob." He will never fix the sink, his car or his stereotypical marriage spats because he would rather watch home improvement shows on TV and buy tools he's never going to use. Let me guess... he likes to drink beer too!
Here's my excellent advice. Tell him you're going to fix the drips if he doesn't. You don't really need to know how to fix anything, you just need to know how to make things so much worse he'll have no choice but to fix the gallons of water flowing onto the kitchen floor.
There are only two possible outcomes: Earl will fix the sink. Or you will have an affair with the new plumber. Either way, you win!
Your advice, readers?
I am willing to approve anything that gets the drips stopped, whether it's a faucet replacement or a whole new kitchen. Earl is fully capable of doing the job himself and has all the new tools.
I might add that he takes the same approach to the old truck he's going to fix up, the painting that needs to be done, the porch to be replaced and other projects. He is full of talk, but to myself I refer to him as "the Big Drip." How do I get him to fix the problem? -- DRIPPY'S WIFE
I like Earl's approach. Don't fix the small problem, wait until you can make it a bigger mess and handle everything at that point.
This approach should worry you when it comes to your nagging because he's probably thinking, "Why argue now, since I'm going to empty our bank account and run off with a barely legal stripper?"
You say Earl is "fully capable" but I think of him as a "lazy slob." He will never fix the sink, his car or his stereotypical marriage spats because he would rather watch home improvement shows on TV and buy tools he's never going to use. Let me guess... he likes to drink beer too!
Here's my excellent advice. Tell him you're going to fix the drips if he doesn't. You don't really need to know how to fix anything, you just need to know how to make things so much worse he'll have no choice but to fix the gallons of water flowing onto the kitchen floor.
There are only two possible outcomes: Earl will fix the sink. Or you will have an affair with the new plumber. Either way, you win!
Your advice, readers?
Friday, June 1, 2007
TEMPTED TO REFUSE IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are planning to attend my niece's wedding next month and, as usual, the prospect of being with my family has thrown me into a tizzy. We are simple people -- we are both teachers, and we have raised three great children but no superstars.
My sister and brothers are all wealthy. Their children are excellent scholars and/or athletes, including two who play professionally.
I feel fine about our accomplishments and am proud of our children and what they have done -- that is, until I am around my brothers and sister. Then I beat myself up thinking I wasn't as good a mother as I should have been.
I am tempted to skip this wedding because this happens every single time, and I don't enjoy my visits with them. What do I do? -- TEMPTED TO REFUSE IN THE U.S.A.
Don't worry about whether or not you're a good enough mother. More importantly, you and your children got shortchanged when it came to genetics, which is beyond your control.
Just kidding. But your kids must be thrilled to hear they're not "superstars." Isn't it a mom's job to think this despite all evidence to the contrary? Maybe you are a bad m-- never mind.
From your letter, I can't really tell what type of people your sister and brothers are. Yes, they're "wealthy" and they have children who play professional sports. Ideally, they would also be total douche bags who mocked you for your peasant/teacher lifestyle. Then I could advise you to skip the wedding unless they pay for your travel, 4-star hotel and a solar powered Hummer to transport you from hotel to wedding.
But they could be very kind and generous people who, unfortunately for you, are very successful. You have a "My Kid is an Honor Student at the School I Teach At" bumper sticker on your Windstar minivan, while your siblings polish their kids' Superbowl rings with the Green jacket from the Masters tournament, stuffed with hundred dollar bills. But they do it in a nice way.
The problem is you. Or rather your insecurities. Some part of you is probably hoping someone will pin a medal on your chest (probably iron or stainless steel, definitely not a precious metal) for dedicating your life to educating young minds. But as your signature notes, you live in the U.S.A. and unless you're being portrayed in a movie about an optimistic white teacher changing the lives of inner city minorities, no one cares about the fact that you're a teacher. So your ace card--living a less lucrative but more fulfilling life--isn't really a card you can play.
These trips drive you nuts because you hold on to the belief that you don't have as much money--but you're happier. Then you see them and realize they're happy too. Start acting happier when you see them instead of going into a "tizzy."
Don't worry about winning this round of sibling rivalry--you won't. Go to the wedding and eat all the free catering and alcohol you can cram down your throat. You'll achieve a certain amount of success if you can avoid throwing up crab cakes, caviar and Cristal the next morning.
Your advice, readers?
(PS: Jeer Abby turns 1 month old today!)
My sister and brothers are all wealthy. Their children are excellent scholars and/or athletes, including two who play professionally.
I feel fine about our accomplishments and am proud of our children and what they have done -- that is, until I am around my brothers and sister. Then I beat myself up thinking I wasn't as good a mother as I should have been.
I am tempted to skip this wedding because this happens every single time, and I don't enjoy my visits with them. What do I do? -- TEMPTED TO REFUSE IN THE U.S.A.
Don't worry about whether or not you're a good enough mother. More importantly, you and your children got shortchanged when it came to genetics, which is beyond your control.
Just kidding. But your kids must be thrilled to hear they're not "superstars." Isn't it a mom's job to think this despite all evidence to the contrary? Maybe you are a bad m-- never mind.
From your letter, I can't really tell what type of people your sister and brothers are. Yes, they're "wealthy" and they have children who play professional sports. Ideally, they would also be total douche bags who mocked you for your peasant/teacher lifestyle. Then I could advise you to skip the wedding unless they pay for your travel, 4-star hotel and a solar powered Hummer to transport you from hotel to wedding.
But they could be very kind and generous people who, unfortunately for you, are very successful. You have a "My Kid is an Honor Student at the School I Teach At" bumper sticker on your Windstar minivan, while your siblings polish their kids' Superbowl rings with the Green jacket from the Masters tournament, stuffed with hundred dollar bills. But they do it in a nice way.
The problem is you. Or rather your insecurities. Some part of you is probably hoping someone will pin a medal on your chest (probably iron or stainless steel, definitely not a precious metal) for dedicating your life to educating young minds. But as your signature notes, you live in the U.S.A. and unless you're being portrayed in a movie about an optimistic white teacher changing the lives of inner city minorities, no one cares about the fact that you're a teacher. So your ace card--living a less lucrative but more fulfilling life--isn't really a card you can play.
These trips drive you nuts because you hold on to the belief that you don't have as much money--but you're happier. Then you see them and realize they're happy too. Start acting happier when you see them instead of going into a "tizzy."
Don't worry about winning this round of sibling rivalry--you won't. Go to the wedding and eat all the free catering and alcohol you can cram down your throat. You'll achieve a certain amount of success if you can avoid throwing up crab cakes, caviar and Cristal the next morning.
Your advice, readers?
(PS: Jeer Abby turns 1 month old today!)
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