DEAR ABBY: Can you go to Al-Anon if you had a husband who was an alcoholic, but is dead? He committed suicide with a 5.0 blood alcohol level.
I have been a mess for the last two years. I can't sleep, can't concentrate and don't enjoy anything. I would really like to be able to talk with people who understand what living with an alcoholic is like and won't blame me for what he did, as most of his family does. But I hesitate to go to Al-Anon.
What can I do to get over the self-inflicted death of a man I'll never stop loving? -- HURTING IN HOUSTON
Interestingly enough, reading your letter made me want to have a drink, or shoot myself.
I can't imagine anything done with a 5.0 blood alcohol level would be deliberate. The fact that he could commit suicide while being that drunk is impressive in its own way.
You could probably go to Al-Anon (even though the hyphenated spelling reads like a terrorist organization). But why not visit a therapist or support group for spouses of suicides? Clearly you're depressed, which in your situation could easily lead to--surprise!--alcoholism and/or suicide.
You want help, that's great. You don't necessarily need it from the people who could have helped your husband.
And if your husband's family blames you instead of him, they need to start some therapy or to at least stop being such major douche bags.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, July 30, 2007
Friday, July 27, 2007
LYNN IN WHITEHOUSE, TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: My mother is constantly calling me to say, "Did you just call me?" Anytime her phone rings and she can't get to it, she calls everyone she knows and asks that question. It is particularly irritating if I am in the middle of something that's difficult to put down when that's the only reason she called. Then she hurries on to the next person on her list to check.
I have repeatedly suggested caller ID, but she won't get it, saying she'll just check around. She knows it's irritating, especially when she calls me at work.
Any suggestions on how I can either learn to live with this, or get her to stop it? -- LYNN IN WHITEHOUSE, TEXAS
Oh Lynn, haven't you realized you've provided the answer to your own problem? You suggest your mother get caller ID so she can tell who just called her. But you're the one who needs to get caller ID so you'll know when she's calling you. As far as work goes, most office phones have some sort of caller ID or at least a way of showing the number of the caller. If that doesn't work, just tell her you're working and hang up. She'll stop calling you at work after five or seventy times of doing that.
It's clear your mom is lonely and is using the "did you just call me" as an excuse to call people. Try to convince her to be more creative with her pleas for help. She's elderly, so have her call people for computer help. The internet is broken. How can she fix it?
Besides, don't people who still use landlines in addition to cell phones have the *69 feature where you can call the last caller back? If it's an add-on service, I suggest you pay for it and train your mom to use it.
If that doesn't work, next time your mom calls and asks if you just called her, say "Mother? Is that your voice? It can't be! Your funeral was last week!" Then scream, hang up and deny it ever happened.
Your advice, readers?
I have repeatedly suggested caller ID, but she won't get it, saying she'll just check around. She knows it's irritating, especially when she calls me at work.
Any suggestions on how I can either learn to live with this, or get her to stop it? -- LYNN IN WHITEHOUSE, TEXAS
Oh Lynn, haven't you realized you've provided the answer to your own problem? You suggest your mother get caller ID so she can tell who just called her. But you're the one who needs to get caller ID so you'll know when she's calling you. As far as work goes, most office phones have some sort of caller ID or at least a way of showing the number of the caller. If that doesn't work, just tell her you're working and hang up. She'll stop calling you at work after five or seventy times of doing that.
It's clear your mom is lonely and is using the "did you just call me" as an excuse to call people. Try to convince her to be more creative with her pleas for help. She's elderly, so have her call people for computer help. The internet is broken. How can she fix it?
Besides, don't people who still use landlines in addition to cell phones have the *69 feature where you can call the last caller back? If it's an add-on service, I suggest you pay for it and train your mom to use it.
If that doesn't work, next time your mom calls and asks if you just called her, say "Mother? Is that your voice? It can't be! Your funeral was last week!" Then scream, hang up and deny it ever happened.
Your advice, readers?
Thursday, July 26, 2007
HAPPY IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, when I was a divorced single father raising two adolescent children, we received an invitation to attend a wedding in Chicago. The bride's parents were cousins I hadn't seen or heard from in more than 20 years. The wedding coincided with the school break. I had accumulated vacation time at work and enough room on my charge cards to cover the cost of the expensive trip, so I replied that we would be glad to attend. I was excited to reconnect with the family and that my children would meet many of their relatives for the first time.
Boy, was I wrong!
The reception was held in the ballroom of an expensive hotel. Instead of being seated with my family, I was placed at a table on the opposite side of the huge ballroom. At the table were several couples and a few single women, all of whom seemed to know each other well. I felt somewhat out of place, but made light conversation, danced a few dances and tried to have a good time.
An aunt approached, tapped me on the shoulder, and asked me to join the family in a side room. When I entered, the men patted me on the shoulders and the women proceeded to tell me that the lady I had been seated next to had decided that I would be an acceptable husband for her! I was then told they would make all the wedding arrangements as quickly as possible.
At first I thought they were joking or that they had tasted too much of the bubbly. Then, in shock, I realized they were serious. I asked why they didn't consult me first. I made it plain I wasn't going to pull my kids out of school, away from their friends, sell my house, quit my job and throw away all our community relationships to move to a city halfway across the country, into an environment that was foreign to us, and marry a woman I had never met before. I told them the idea was insane and insulting.
They looked at me as if I were speaking a foreign language. I was told that because they had gone out of their way to arrange this match for me, my refusal was the height of selfishness and I was an ingrate. Angry, I took my children and left.
My children are now on their own, and I'm involved with a wonderful lady. We have been invited to a family gathering in Los Angeles, which will be attended by the group from Chicago. My lady friend has been pressing me to meet more of my family. I'm afraid to introduce her because I'm afraid she'll see how crazy my relatives are and reject me. What should I do? -- HAPPY IN SAN DIEGO
How cruel of the family to invite you to yet another gathering. Since it's in Los Angeles, my guess is that they'll be secretly taping a reality show about obnoxious relatives with you as the star.
I know you see yourself as the victim here, but when I read between the lines, my guess is that you're a total jackass--and not just because you say "lady friend."
Here's a little bit of cold, hard truth for you. They invited you to the Chicago wedding as a courtesy but no one expected (or wanted) you to attend. People invite people to weddings even though they know they won't come because then that person will feel obligated to buy them a present. You should have just bought them a set of beach towels or a butter dish.
I also think that you're humor impaired. Unless your family comes from some bizarre culture, I don't think anyone was serious about actually arranging a marriage with the woman at the table. If anything, you missed your chance at wedding reception sex in a bathroom stall. When you expressed your shock and outrage at this indecent marriage proposal, I'm sure it simply fueled their deadpan sense of humor even more.
Those relatives are probably total douche bags that you don't want to deal with or introduce your lady friend to. But for chrissakes, lighten up a little.
Your advice, readers?
Boy, was I wrong!
The reception was held in the ballroom of an expensive hotel. Instead of being seated with my family, I was placed at a table on the opposite side of the huge ballroom. At the table were several couples and a few single women, all of whom seemed to know each other well. I felt somewhat out of place, but made light conversation, danced a few dances and tried to have a good time.
An aunt approached, tapped me on the shoulder, and asked me to join the family in a side room. When I entered, the men patted me on the shoulders and the women proceeded to tell me that the lady I had been seated next to had decided that I would be an acceptable husband for her! I was then told they would make all the wedding arrangements as quickly as possible.
At first I thought they were joking or that they had tasted too much of the bubbly. Then, in shock, I realized they were serious. I asked why they didn't consult me first. I made it plain I wasn't going to pull my kids out of school, away from their friends, sell my house, quit my job and throw away all our community relationships to move to a city halfway across the country, into an environment that was foreign to us, and marry a woman I had never met before. I told them the idea was insane and insulting.
They looked at me as if I were speaking a foreign language. I was told that because they had gone out of their way to arrange this match for me, my refusal was the height of selfishness and I was an ingrate. Angry, I took my children and left.
My children are now on their own, and I'm involved with a wonderful lady. We have been invited to a family gathering in Los Angeles, which will be attended by the group from Chicago. My lady friend has been pressing me to meet more of my family. I'm afraid to introduce her because I'm afraid she'll see how crazy my relatives are and reject me. What should I do? -- HAPPY IN SAN DIEGO
How cruel of the family to invite you to yet another gathering. Since it's in Los Angeles, my guess is that they'll be secretly taping a reality show about obnoxious relatives with you as the star.
I know you see yourself as the victim here, but when I read between the lines, my guess is that you're a total jackass--and not just because you say "lady friend."
Here's a little bit of cold, hard truth for you. They invited you to the Chicago wedding as a courtesy but no one expected (or wanted) you to attend. People invite people to weddings even though they know they won't come because then that person will feel obligated to buy them a present. You should have just bought them a set of beach towels or a butter dish.
I also think that you're humor impaired. Unless your family comes from some bizarre culture, I don't think anyone was serious about actually arranging a marriage with the woman at the table. If anything, you missed your chance at wedding reception sex in a bathroom stall. When you expressed your shock and outrage at this indecent marriage proposal, I'm sure it simply fueled their deadpan sense of humor even more.
Those relatives are probably total douche bags that you don't want to deal with or introduce your lady friend to. But for chrissakes, lighten up a little.
Your advice, readers?
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
HAVING A BALL DOWN SOUTH
DEAR ABBY: My daughter's former lover, "Beau," is my age. (She is 20 years younger.) She was married when she and Beau had their affair, and still is. She regretted the affair, but continues to keep him as a friend. She introduced us a few years ago.
As their affair dwindled to a friendship, Beau and I began to have an interest in each other. As I started to see him in a different light, my family got upset.
Are they overreacting, or is this so strange that I should stop the relationship? It does creep me out a bit, but Beau is such fun to be with that I don't dwell on the past. Would it be extremely weird to date your daughter's ex-lover? Your thoughts, please. -- HAVING A BALL DOWN SOUTH
I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "having a ball" but I hope it's not what I'm thinking considering your daughter also had the same ball "down south."
In some ways, this whole messed up situation makes sense. Your daughter was looking for a father figure and you're now playing the role of the mother figure. Wait, that doesn't make this any less gross.
How about... the man currently taking up residence in your vagina also had sex with someone who popped out of that vagina. Hmm, still doesn't seem right.
You should be able to date whoever you want as long as it makes you happy. That would be true if we lived in fairy cupid land (located Down South?). But since we live in a culture where a mother and daughter screwing the same guy should only take place in poorly produced porn movies, your family's horror and revulsion seems appropriate. You ask if they're overreacting? I'd say they're underreacting.
Intentionally or not, you're asking your family to visualize some awfully disturbing stuff. On the plus side, I'm sure you've made Beau get a standing ovation in the health club locker room.
Your advice, readers?
As their affair dwindled to a friendship, Beau and I began to have an interest in each other. As I started to see him in a different light, my family got upset.
Are they overreacting, or is this so strange that I should stop the relationship? It does creep me out a bit, but Beau is such fun to be with that I don't dwell on the past. Would it be extremely weird to date your daughter's ex-lover? Your thoughts, please. -- HAVING A BALL DOWN SOUTH
I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "having a ball" but I hope it's not what I'm thinking considering your daughter also had the same ball "down south."
In some ways, this whole messed up situation makes sense. Your daughter was looking for a father figure and you're now playing the role of the mother figure. Wait, that doesn't make this any less gross.
How about... the man currently taking up residence in your vagina also had sex with someone who popped out of that vagina. Hmm, still doesn't seem right.
You should be able to date whoever you want as long as it makes you happy. That would be true if we lived in fairy cupid land (located Down South?). But since we live in a culture where a mother and daughter screwing the same guy should only take place in poorly produced porn movies, your family's horror and revulsion seems appropriate. You ask if they're overreacting? I'd say they're underreacting.
Intentionally or not, you're asking your family to visualize some awfully disturbing stuff. On the plus side, I'm sure you've made Beau get a standing ovation in the health club locker room.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, July 23, 2007
NOT SO BLUE IN EVERETT, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: I have recently begun using Internet dating sites to meet guys in my community. With my busy work and home schedules, I have found this to be a good alternative. The problem I'm having is that some of these sites allow matches to ask if you are emotionally and mentally healthy.
In my case, I have suffered from depression in the past. I have been hospitalized for this issue and have received medication. At this point in my life, I manage my depression with non-drug-related therapies. I no longer need a counselor or a therapist, and have in place strategies for when I feel I'm cycling downward.
How should I respond to gentlemen who are looking for an "emotionally healthy" match? I consider myself "recovering" and do not take my mental health for granted. Your advice would be much appreciated. -- NOT SO BLUE IN EVERETT, WASH.
I think the fact that you're using Internet dating sites to meet guys in your community pretty much implies that you've struggled with depression at some point. The hospitalization part might be something fun to spring on your new man sometime after you've slept with him but before he stops calling you. It will make him feel more guilty/scared about blowing you off.
Just kidding. He won't feel guilty about blowing you off.
I think you should do what everyone on Internet dating sites--and the Internet itself--does and lie. Are you emotionally stable? Yes (as of the moment you answer the question anyway). Are you struggling with depression? No (not since last weekend, which you spent alone and sobbing).
I'm sure that your potential dates are lying about things as well. Are they athletic? Sensitive to the emotional needs of their partner? Any outstanding felonies?
That's the other way to look at this. Perhaps some men aren't looking for an emotionally and mentally healthy girlfriend. Maybe they want you to have issues that will create chaos and drama in their life. How can they reach their full potential as abusive, controlling boyfriends if you don't put your weakest foot forward?
In any case, if you still consider yourself "recovering" from depression, then you're depressed. Maybe not at the moment. But it's a timebomb waiting to go off. Any guy you're serious about should know that bomb exists--and maybe if you open up, he'll let you know about his paranoid schizophrenic disorder he stopped taking medication for.
Your advice, readers?
In my case, I have suffered from depression in the past. I have been hospitalized for this issue and have received medication. At this point in my life, I manage my depression with non-drug-related therapies. I no longer need a counselor or a therapist, and have in place strategies for when I feel I'm cycling downward.
How should I respond to gentlemen who are looking for an "emotionally healthy" match? I consider myself "recovering" and do not take my mental health for granted. Your advice would be much appreciated. -- NOT SO BLUE IN EVERETT, WASH.
I think the fact that you're using Internet dating sites to meet guys in your community pretty much implies that you've struggled with depression at some point. The hospitalization part might be something fun to spring on your new man sometime after you've slept with him but before he stops calling you. It will make him feel more guilty/scared about blowing you off.
Just kidding. He won't feel guilty about blowing you off.
I think you should do what everyone on Internet dating sites--and the Internet itself--does and lie. Are you emotionally stable? Yes (as of the moment you answer the question anyway). Are you struggling with depression? No (not since last weekend, which you spent alone and sobbing).
I'm sure that your potential dates are lying about things as well. Are they athletic? Sensitive to the emotional needs of their partner? Any outstanding felonies?
That's the other way to look at this. Perhaps some men aren't looking for an emotionally and mentally healthy girlfriend. Maybe they want you to have issues that will create chaos and drama in their life. How can they reach their full potential as abusive, controlling boyfriends if you don't put your weakest foot forward?
In any case, if you still consider yourself "recovering" from depression, then you're depressed. Maybe not at the moment. But it's a timebomb waiting to go off. Any guy you're serious about should know that bomb exists--and maybe if you open up, he'll let you know about his paranoid schizophrenic disorder he stopped taking medication for.
Your advice, readers?
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
STUPID MOM WITH NO EXCUSE IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR ABBY: Here's one for the books on parental stupidity. When my daughter, "Marissa," began to reach her teen years, her father -- in an attempt to be funny -- advised her that she could keep from becoming pregnant by putting an aspirin between her knees and keeping it there.
My stupidity was assuming that sex education and pregnancy prevention were taught in her school. I never broached the subject with her.
Marissa became pregnant at 15. The young man she was seeing told her she couldn't get pregnant in a swimming pool because the chlorine would kill the sperm. Have you heard that before? Needless to say, the inevitable result was a baby.
I love my grandson dearly. God did not make a mistake even though we adults were all dummies in the advice department. Please tell parents, children and adults to educate themselves and learn all the facts and fictions about teen pregnancy and prevention. -- STUPID MOM WITH NO EXCUSE IN NEW JERSEY
The reason sex education isn't taught in schools is because then kids will know how to have sex. Don't teach it and they'll never know how to do it.
Obviously, some kids must google the internets to find out about sex. Or better yet, they take birth control advice from the young men trying to have sex with them. I'm not sure if chlorine really does kill sperm, but my guess is that the chlorine would have to be flowing through your vagina at the time and that it would have to be highly concentrated chlorine.
Logic should have told your daughter that this would never work or people wouldn't waste money on condoms or birth control. They'd simply go out and have movie scene worthy unprotected sex in swimming pools.
Your advice, readers?
My stupidity was assuming that sex education and pregnancy prevention were taught in her school. I never broached the subject with her.
Marissa became pregnant at 15. The young man she was seeing told her she couldn't get pregnant in a swimming pool because the chlorine would kill the sperm. Have you heard that before? Needless to say, the inevitable result was a baby.
I love my grandson dearly. God did not make a mistake even though we adults were all dummies in the advice department. Please tell parents, children and adults to educate themselves and learn all the facts and fictions about teen pregnancy and prevention. -- STUPID MOM WITH NO EXCUSE IN NEW JERSEY
The reason sex education isn't taught in schools is because then kids will know how to have sex. Don't teach it and they'll never know how to do it.
Obviously, some kids must google the internets to find out about sex. Or better yet, they take birth control advice from the young men trying to have sex with them. I'm not sure if chlorine really does kill sperm, but my guess is that the chlorine would have to be flowing through your vagina at the time and that it would have to be highly concentrated chlorine.
Logic should have told your daughter that this would never work or people wouldn't waste money on condoms or birth control. They'd simply go out and have movie scene worthy unprotected sex in swimming pools.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, July 16, 2007
STUCK IN SAN ANTONIO
DEAR ABBY: How do you tell people you just don't like them and don't want to be friends anymore? My husband, daughter and I are "friends" with a family we became acquainted with when our daughter was in first grade. That was three years ago.
This family is annoying and loud, and we can't seem to distance ourselves from them. They constantly call for playdates and dinner dates. The kids get along well, but my husband and I do not like this couple and prefer not to spend our social time with them. How do we distance ourselves without offending them? -- STUCK IN SAN ANTONIO
Your problem is that you don't want to offend them--or anyone, is my guess--and that's what puts you in situations like this. You are so afraid to be the bad guy that you have to make the other person the bad guy to stop hanging out with them.
A true professional would simply evade playdates and dinner dates the moment the couple became annoying. They could have been fun to hang with at first. But once they cross the line to becoming irritating, the only option is to ignore them completely. Sooner or later, they will get the message. If you want faster results, just try to do things that will offend them so they'll stop inviting you. That SNL skit where Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan are a couple who talk dirty and pretend to have sex while having the new neighbors over for dinner comes to mind.
But to be honest, there's something a little cold and priggish in your tone. Families are supposed to be loud and annoying. Haven't you ever been to Olive Garden on a Friday night? I'm sure that if you showed your true selves to this family, they would no longer want to spend time with you.
Your advice, readers?
This family is annoying and loud, and we can't seem to distance ourselves from them. They constantly call for playdates and dinner dates. The kids get along well, but my husband and I do not like this couple and prefer not to spend our social time with them. How do we distance ourselves without offending them? -- STUCK IN SAN ANTONIO
Your problem is that you don't want to offend them--or anyone, is my guess--and that's what puts you in situations like this. You are so afraid to be the bad guy that you have to make the other person the bad guy to stop hanging out with them.
A true professional would simply evade playdates and dinner dates the moment the couple became annoying. They could have been fun to hang with at first. But once they cross the line to becoming irritating, the only option is to ignore them completely. Sooner or later, they will get the message. If you want faster results, just try to do things that will offend them so they'll stop inviting you. That SNL skit where Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan are a couple who talk dirty and pretend to have sex while having the new neighbors over for dinner comes to mind.
But to be honest, there's something a little cold and priggish in your tone. Families are supposed to be loud and annoying. Haven't you ever been to Olive Garden on a Friday night? I'm sure that if you showed your true selves to this family, they would no longer want to spend time with you.
Your advice, readers?
Monday, July 9, 2007
DEPRESSED IN BOULDER, COLO.
DEAR ABBY: A dear friend is being married this summer to a man who is abusive. She is in denial about his extreme, sometimes violent, jealous and controlling behavior. Recently, he threw coffee in her face while she was driving and caused an accident. He blamed it all on her, and she accepted the blame.
He punches holes in the walls when they fight. Once he even broke a bone in his hand. He constantly accuses her of cheating, and when they're together, he watches her like a hawk and she won't leave his side.
She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I am not comfortable with it because I would not be able to celebrate the occasion. Her fiance knows how I feel. He doesn't like me, and the feeling is mutual.
What should I tell her? In the past I told her that marrying him would be a big mistake, and she got very angry. Your advice would be appreciated. -- DEPRESSED IN BOULDER, COLO.
How dare you turn your back on your friend on her special day. Sure, she's marrying a violent, coffee-scalding psychopath, but when it comes to weddings, color me a romantic.
Assuming no hot beverages are served, and no semi-attractive males are invited, the wedding should be a spectacular affair! Tears will roll down your eyes watching as they exchange vows with the bride holding a bouquet and the groom holding a revolver to her head, waiting to hear those romantic words, "I do, just please don't shoot."
Just because he's abusive and jealous while they're dating doesn't mean he'll be that way after getting married. My guess is that he's just a little nervous about tying the knot, so he's tightens the noose around her neck. Marriage was designed specifically to solve all the problems people have in relationships.
So swallow your pride and be a bridesmaid. As a gift suggestion, may I suggest you give her something useful. Either a drywall patching kit or a 9mm pistol that can't be traced.
Your advice, readers?
He punches holes in the walls when they fight. Once he even broke a bone in his hand. He constantly accuses her of cheating, and when they're together, he watches her like a hawk and she won't leave his side.
She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I am not comfortable with it because I would not be able to celebrate the occasion. Her fiance knows how I feel. He doesn't like me, and the feeling is mutual.
What should I tell her? In the past I told her that marrying him would be a big mistake, and she got very angry. Your advice would be appreciated. -- DEPRESSED IN BOULDER, COLO.
How dare you turn your back on your friend on her special day. Sure, she's marrying a violent, coffee-scalding psychopath, but when it comes to weddings, color me a romantic.
Assuming no hot beverages are served, and no semi-attractive males are invited, the wedding should be a spectacular affair! Tears will roll down your eyes watching as they exchange vows with the bride holding a bouquet and the groom holding a revolver to her head, waiting to hear those romantic words, "I do, just please don't shoot."
Just because he's abusive and jealous while they're dating doesn't mean he'll be that way after getting married. My guess is that he's just a little nervous about tying the knot, so he's tightens the noose around her neck. Marriage was designed specifically to solve all the problems people have in relationships.
So swallow your pride and be a bridesmaid. As a gift suggestion, may I suggest you give her something useful. Either a drywall patching kit or a 9mm pistol that can't be traced.
Your advice, readers?
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