DEPRESSED IN BOULDER, COLO.

DEAR ABBY: A dear friend is being married this summer to a man who is abusive. She is in denial about his extreme, sometimes violent, jealous and controlling behavior. Recently, he threw coffee in her face while she was driving and caused an accident. He blamed it all on her, and she accepted the blame.

He punches holes in the walls when they fight. Once he even broke a bone in his hand. He constantly accuses her of cheating, and when they're together, he watches her like a hawk and she won't leave his side.

She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. I am not comfortable with it because I would not be able to celebrate the occasion. Her fiance knows how I feel. He doesn't like me, and the feeling is mutual.

What should I tell her? In the past I told her that marrying him would be a big mistake, and she got very angry. Your advice would be appreciated. -- DEPRESSED IN BOULDER, COLO.

How dare you turn your back on your friend on her special day. Sure, she's marrying a violent, coffee-scalding psychopath, but when it comes to weddings, color me a romantic.

Assuming no hot beverages are served, and no semi-attractive males are invited, the wedding should be a spectacular affair! Tears will roll down your eyes watching as they exchange vows with the bride holding a bouquet and the groom holding a revolver to her head, waiting to hear those romantic words, "I do, just please don't shoot."

Just because he's abusive and jealous while they're dating doesn't mean he'll be that way after getting married. My guess is that he's just a little nervous about tying the knot, so he's tightens the noose around her neck. Marriage was designed specifically to solve all the problems people have in relationships.

So swallow your pride and be a bridesmaid. As a gift suggestion, may I suggest you give her something useful. Either a drywall patching kit or a 9mm pistol that can't be traced.

Your advice, readers?

LOUISE IN DES MOINES

DEAR ABBY: I was married to my childhood sweetheart, "Dexter," for 13 years. Only the first five were happy. The rest were spent trying to adjust to his alcoholism and make excuses for why he drinks.

We have two children, 12 and 10, whom I love dearly. I finally made the decision to leave when I realized what a poor example Dexter was setting for them.

The problem is, he continually harasses me. He calls constantly and drops over to my apartment without calling. When the kids see their father, they just let him in. If I'm not home, Dexter questions them about who they have seen me with and whatever other information he can pry out of them. My son asks me if it's OK, or what he should say. I have nothing to hide and am not seeing anyone. I told him it's wrong of his father to ask, but if he does then to be honest.

I love Dexter, but I'm so tired and emotionally drained I don't know what to do. I feel this tremendous responsibility for him, and I don't know where it comes from. He was always the dominant one in our relationship. I never even decorated our home because he picked everything out on the pretense of "surprising" me.

I give Dexter money when he asks for it, even though I have the children and he isn't supporting us. I'm in the process of filing for child support, but feel guilty doing it -- like he is going to suffer because I'll be taking money from him. He has a full-time job, so there's no reason why he shouldn't take care of our children. Why do I feel like I'm abandoning him? -- LOUISE IN DES MOINES

This is why marrying your childhood sweetheart is a bad idea.

My question is: why do you feel guilty for doing everything right? That sense of responsibility to him is what's causing you all your problems. And I'm sure Dexter knows how to tap into some childhood memories in a way that makes you feel like you're the one abondoning him.

If you met Dexter last year, you'd run screaming and wouldn't let your children near him. Just because you used to have the same second grade teacher and he put a frog in your desk--or whatever--doesn't mean you owe him anything. Kiss those fantasies of having married your childhood sweetheart behind. There isn't going to be a magical movie ending where he realizes his family is more important than alcohol so he cleans up and everyone is even more happy having survived a test of your love.

The only happy ending here is when Dexter starts kicking in for some child support.

Your advice, readers?

BONNIE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ABBY: I feel sorry for a friend of my husband's. "Joey" is a really nice guy, but his wife is driving him over the edge. She's obsessive-compulsive and, despite their financial problems, refuses to get a job. She says her mother never had to work and she shouldn't either.

They went to three sessions of marriage counseling, and she refused to go back because their therapist told her she had a serious problem. She told her mom what the therapist said, and they agreed he must be a quack.

Joey is so worried about having to pay alimony and child support that he won't leave, but he confided to my husband that he has thought about doing something to himself. Any advice? -- BONNIE IN MICHIGAN

It's pretty clear what "Joey" needs to do is fake his own death, change his identity and move far away, preferably somewhere in South America.

That may sound extreme, but it's better than killing yourself, which is probably his third best option.

What's his second best option? Clearly, it's to use his wife's obsessive compulsiveness to his advantage and drive her totally insane. If she obsesses about leaving the oven on, then randomly flip it on every once in a while. Is she needs to take exactly eighteen steps to get from the front door of the house to the car, move the car back a few feet one day and forward a few feet another day.

Joey can divorce her, but he'll never get rid of her. Perhaps that's why he's considering suicide. But if he's going to leave his children alone in the world with a woman like this, Joey should at least be slowly tortured to death first.

Your advice, readers?

PROUD OF MYSELF IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR ABBY: "Heartbroken in Westchester, Pa." (April 9) said she had just broken up with an emotionally abusive man who withheld affection from her because he wanted her to lose weight. She went on to say she was working on her master's in counseling psychology, and couldn't understand why she had tolerated his emotional abuse for nine months. She said she could hear his put-downs over and over, and knew it was self-destructive but couldn't let it go.

Please tell her that the best weight she ever lost was the burden of "Shallow Hal." Unfortunately, I married a man much like him. His favorite pastime was degrading my career choice. (I'm in the military and have been for 19 years.) Your comment, "trying to win an unwinnable man," hit me like a ton of bricks.

Thankfully, I was only with my husband nine months before I came to my senses, but the damage to my self-esteem and trust was severe. I got help through both military and civilian resources, and went on two anti-depressants for depression and insomnia for six months -- enough time to get it through my head that it wasn't my issue, it was his.

Please tell "Heartbroken" there are men out there who will love and appreciate her for who she is, not how much she weighs. -- PROUD OF MYSELF IN SAN ANTONIO

Okay, granted "Shallow Hal" sounds like a real jerk but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that even if "Heartbroken" starved herself down to 90 pounds and started modeling thong underwear, she'd still find a way to get into relationships with guys who treat her like the crap.

In other words, I couldn't disagree with you more.

Some people are just wired for chaos and self-destruction. Take yourself, for instance. Six months of insomnia is how you get back to being healthy after a nine month marriage. Now you can go off and find a new man with a different problem you can try to fix. On the off chance you ever get attracted to a decent, emotionally non-abusive man, you'd be so bored with him that you'd dump him for the first douche bag to cast a judgmental look your direction.

At least both of you dumped these terrible husbands, which tells me you read Jeer Abby regularly. Hopefully now you can realize that "it wasn't my issue, it was his" is a little too easy of an answer. He has his issue, you have your issue. Why is it that your issue is being attracted to guys with his issue is a question you'll need to lose a lot more sleep over.

Your advice, readers?

BAFFLED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR ABBY: I find myself in a head vs. heart situation. I have ended an emotionally draining relationship of more than 10 years. As I tried to find the courage to "move on," I found myself turning to a married woman who understood everything I had experienced and made me believe that she was also looking for the courage to change her situation. Our relationship grew into something more than it should have, considering her marital status -- and a considerable amount of time has passed.

I still believe she is my closest friend, but I don't know if I should continue to support her in the hope that she will make a change. Or is it time to face the realization that I have made a big mistake and try to cut my ties with this woman? I am at the point of near obsession with wondering if this vision in my heart will ever come true.

My heart says hold out; my head says back away. I'm looking for objective wisdom. -- BAFFLED IN WASHINGTON

Objective wisdom? You've come to the right place.

Any time there is a "head vs. heart" situation, Jeer Abby always sides on going with your heart. Not because it's more romantic and can lead to true happiness, but because the outcome tends to range from dramatic to tragic, which is more fun to observe as an outsider. If you start making choices with your head, you're likely to start doing things the right way. That's no fun to mock from a distance.

Only your heart could have kept you in an "emotionally draining" relationship for a decade. Only your heart could make you believe this married woman you're sleeping with is your "closest friend." Only your heart could convince you that maybe there's a possibility this woman will leave her husband for someone as needy as you.

Your head is going to tell you things you don't want to hear, so why listen? Do you really want to know that you're embarking on yet another emotionally draining relationship? Do you really want to stop sleeping with the only woman who doesn't contemplate her own suicide just to avoid having to listen to you drone on about your 10 year mistake?

My objective advice is to hold out for this woman for no more than seven years--since it's my objective to mock the avoidable misery your heart is so good at delivering.

Your advice, readers?

WORRIED IN LOUISIANA

I am 28 and have a wonderful 3-year-old daughter. When I was 12, my older cousin, who was 16 at the time, fondled me, thinking I was asleep. I said nothing about it and neither did he.

That was 16 years ago. A couple of weeks ago we had sex, and now I am pregnant. Should I lie to my family about who the father is? -- WORRIED IN LOUISIANA

First of all, let me say I think your letter is a hoax. But let's assume it's not...

Just so I understand the problem correctly, you are pregnant by a cousin who molested you 16 years ago. Perhaps fondling means something else in Louisiana. Maybe he felt you up over your blouse--sorry, overalls. Whatever he did, it wasn't terrible enough to make you revile him enough to avoid hooking up with him in adulthood (I'm assuming at a family reunion--a hotbed for Louisiana casual sex encounters).

Oh, the intense sexual frustration that must have been brewing between the two of you for the past 16 years, y'all.

Fortunately for your 3-year-old, a quick googling of the internets (no, not what happened to you 16 years ago) reveals that marriage to your first cousin is illegal in Louisiana. At least you won't be able to marry your cousin and compound this error--unless you hop the border to open-minded Texas for a quick civil union. The downside? You've just doubled your daycare expenses as a single mom.

Should you lie to your family about the father? Yes. Will they eventually discover the truth? Yes. Should you still lie about it now? If you don't, it will seem like you're proud of this relationship. You need to bury this secret into some shameful corner of your life and never look back until you're forced to confront it, shattering many lives in the process. Or you could shatter lives now--the choice is yours.

Your advice, readers?

PROTECTIVE WIFE IN SANTA CLARA, CALIF.

Is it harmful for someone to practice golf swings right after breakfast? I'm talking about leaving the breakfast table and heading outside to the back yard and starting practice. The way I see it, swings exert a lot of effort. Swinging a club for 15 to 20 minutes could do damage to the internal organs, right? To say the least, I don't think it helps the digestion.

The "someone" I'm writing about is my husband. He plays golf almost weekly. The only time he doesn't play is when he is away on a business trip. I'm 100 percent behind him playing golf because it's good for his health. I just don't think that practicing any sport right after a meal is appropriate.

I brought this up with him, but he keeps saying that it's the only time he can practice. My argument is: Not being able to do it at some other time doesn't mean that one should do it at the WRONG time.

Please enlighten me on this. If I'm convinced that it won't do my husband any harm, I'll shut up. -- PROTECTIVE WIFE IN SANTA CLARA, CALIF.

Your poor, poor husband. I doubt you'll "shut up" because I don't think it's in your nature. You'll find something else to complain about before he has time to replace his divots (hey, why not harp on him about not replacing divots in the backyard!).

First of all, you need to understand that your husband leaves the breakfast table to swing golf clubs--not because it's the only time he has to practice--but because he needs an excuse to get away from your nagging. You worry about his digestion. Instead, be happy that he's diverting his pent up hostility into sport.

The truth is, you don't like the fact that he leaves the table without talking to you. You can't blame golf--since I'm guessing you've already nagged him about exercising--so you grasp for straws and come up with some lame digestive excuse. People eat WHILE golfing, so I don't think digestion is a serious concern. Unless he's diving into a water hazard for stray balls, you don't need to impose any sort of 15 minute limit.

You should, on the other hand, impose a limit on the petty things you nag him about. If that's impossible, you should really go all the way. Go outside with him and offer helpful advice on his golf swing. You may want to point out the status of some of his shots. "Sliced that one." "Did you mean to miss the ball?" "Ohh, bladed it."

I guarantee he'll stop golfing after breakfast.

Your advice, readers?

THINKING AHEAD IN SYRACUSE

I'm 20 and engaged to a wonderful guy I'll call "Tom." There is only one thing that worries me. Tom's family isn't the best with money, and he doesn't have much money right now. I don't want to be deeply in debt when we're married, and I'm also worried that I will have to be the one with a "head for money." (I'm not. I was overdrawn last year.)

It seems ridiculous to think that money could get in the way of love, but my parents divorced because of financial problems. How can I work this out with Tom before it gets to be a problem? What's the right approach? -- THINKING AHEAD IN SYRACUSE

Wow. You were in debt last year, your fiance is genetically incapable of making sound financial choices, you're planning a wedding--but you still consider yourself "Thinking Ahead."

Let's not forget your own parents divorced because of financial problems. I'm assuming the problem wasn't that they had too much money and couldn't agree on how to spend it all.

You're 20 years old! You can't even legally walk into a bar. Yet somehow your love for "Tom" will overcome the fact that neither of you are equipped to manage your money. Are you purposely trying to make the same mistakes as your parents? Or are you hoping to outdo them?

Look at it this way: you blame his family for not being good with money when your own parents divorced over finances. You're worried that he doesn't have much money when you were overdrawn last year. You turn your problems into his problems. If financial mismanagement doesn't ruin your ill-advised marriage, I'm sure your blameless judgments will at least make both of you completely miserable.

If you were thinking ahead, you'd just file for bankruptcy and divorce right now and skip the wedding.

Your advice, readers?

LOST IN BRONX, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a horrible marriage for eight years. My husband, "Greg," has a lot of problems from his childhood and has a hard time being in a relationship. I have recently learned that he was raped by a family member when he was a little boy. He seems to be in denial, and claims it didn't happen.

In any case, I have had a feeling lately that Greg is attracted to men and may be having some kind of a fling with a guy. This guy is supposed to be a business associate, but he calls my husband constantly and has shown up at our house at 12:30 at night. Greg refused to answer the door, but texted him and lied to me about it. I feel like he doesn't want me to meet this guy.

How would I be able to tell if this is happening? Greg certainly won't tell me. -- LOST IN BRONX, N.Y.

You might argue that the science isn't really in on this, but Jeer Abby doesn't believe being raped as a child makes you gay. It can ruin all your future relationships if you're in denial (horrible 8 year marriage anyone?).

There's nothing wrong with being gay--unless you're married to a member of the opposite sex.

Obviously you think he's gay or you wouldn't have given him such a gay alias. "Greg"? Why not just say: "My handlebar moustachioed husband "Greg" who likes Broadway musicals and keeps the house meticulously clean, especially his closet filled with stylish clothes, was raped."

Another thing that makes a heterosexual marriage horrible? When your husband is gay.

I'd mention something to him along the lines of, "If that was a woman coming unannounced at 12:30, I'd think you were having an affair..." Then quickly add: "On second thought, I wouldn't, because you're gay."

See if that trips him up.

This may seem rash, but I would simply end your marriage as quickly and financially beneficial as possible. Six months after the papers are signed, you'll have an answer to the gay question when you see which fine young man your ex-husband is dating.

Your advice, readers?

BROKENHEARTED IN PORTLAND, ORE

Long story short, my husband of 11 years and I were having serious marital problems and on the verge of divorce. At the same time, my sister moved in with us -- at my invitation. Apparently, one thing led to another, and she and my husband say they have fallen in love.

My husband and I decided to try and save our marriage. Then, two days later, he and my sister slept together! I kicked both of them out of my house. They think they did nothing wrong because, according to my husband, he has no intention of working anything out with me. I say he's an S.O.B., and my sister is a @#!%#. Am I wrong?

Everyone in my family agrees with me, and I am being painted by my sister and my husband as "turning everyone against her." I say I'm justified.

What makes it harder is I still love them both and have now lost my sister and my best friend, and I don't know what to do. -- BROKENHEARTED IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR BROKENHEARTED:

You must cold-heartedly cut both of them out of your life forever--or at least for the few months they stay together, at which point you can have your sister back with an unspoken yet ever-present chasm between you. Even though he's an S.O.B. and she's a @#!%#, I suspect you aren't capable of cutting them out forever. Family drama fuels your sense of victimhood and my guess is that playing the victim looms large in your life.

Of course your family is taking your side on this. But I bet you love twisting the knife in your own wound to try and drain every last drop of sympathy from them. I'll let you in on a secret. Your family was already sick of you complaining about your bad marriage for 11 years. They are thrilled something has sparked a change, even if that change qualifies the whole family for a guest spot on the Jerry Springer show.

You were prepared to divorce this guy. Wouldn't the fact that he boinked your sister--most likely in your bed--be enough to downgrade him from your "best friend."

Stop kidding yourself. You don't "love them both." You love the constant state of drama and chaos you're used to after 11 years of serious marital problems. In that sense, the only advice you're likely to take is to try and win your husband back from your sister. It will never work. It will lead to utter catastrophe. But you will be happy in your own miserable way.

Your advice, readers?

DEFLOWERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

I am a 28-year-old woman and have been dating a 26-year-old man I'll call "Chris" for four months. We have become good friends. On our last date, the topic of sex came up, and Chris told me that he was a virgin and that it was very important for him to find a girl who had "never been with anyone" either.

Well, Abby, that bridge was burned when I was a teenager. I was honest with Chris about it, which was not easy because I now regret some of the poor choices I made at that time of my life. I am a completely different person now due to a religious conversion and am waiting until I am married to have sex again.

I told Chris this, and asked if he wanted to continue the relationship. His answer was he'd "have to think about it." We are still friends. He says he likes me and still wants us to date.

However, although I care deeply for him, I now feel devalued. I'm afraid this issue is going to cause problems in the future. I believe that purity is an issue more of the heart than the body. If I had known that virginity was so important to Chris, I would never have dated him in the first place. I can't change the past, and I have strong opinions about men who sing "Amazing Grace" in church while insisting on marrying virgins. What should I do? -- DEFLOWERED IN PENNSYLVANIA


DEAR "DEE":

First of all, you refer to losing your virginity by saying "that bridge was burned when I was a teenager." That conjures up quite an image.

You also say "We are still friends." Yes, a friend is what you call someone you like but aren't having sex with.

Here's advice option one: I'm assuming Chris doesn't drink, so you'll need to figure out a way to sneak alcohol or drugs into his system. Once he's throughly hammered, bring in a prostitute to "burn his bridge". From then on, you'll always have the upper hand because you can say, "At least I never screwed a hooker."

I actually like option two better: Tell Chris you are in fact a virgin, but you wanted to test his purity by pretending to be a non-virginal skank. Now that you know he's also pure, you can become engaged, have a wonderful church wedding. Then on your wedding night, announce that you do not believe in post-marital sex. Chris dies a virgin. Game, set, match.

Your advice, readers?