DAVE IN MARSHALL, WIS.

Like "Fine, Thank You in Gastonia, N.C." (March 23), I, too, was annoyed when people greeted me with the mindless, "How are you?" "How ya doin'?" etc., which required me to respond to someone who clearly had no interest in a real response. (I understand their feigned interest is more automatic than rude.)

So, I make a game of it. Unlike the greeter who blurts out the salutation without thinking, I listen and am prepared with several responses. For "How ya doin'?" I answer, "Not so good. My wife and oldest son and I just got out of three months in rehab for peanut butter addiction. I was a two-jar-a-day man myself. My boy had it even worse -- three jars of the hard stuff, crunchy!"

When asked, "What's up?" I'm inclined to respond, "My blood pressure, cholesterol and body mass index!" -- DAVE IN MARSHALL, WIS.

Oh, Dave, you must be a riot at the checkout stand at the grocery store! I'd love to get stuck behind you in line at Starbucks just to hear your hilarious repartee with those rude imbeciles who have the audacity to informally ask how you're doing. But you've outsmarted them! Peanut butter addiction! That'll show 'em.

I think it's safe to classify you as a total douche bag, but a rare breed of douche bag that actually thinks he's somehow enlightening those around him by pointing out their unsophisticated shortcomings. I'm sure you also have some side-splitting comebacks when someone uses "Can I..?" instead of "May I..?" Or when, hypocritically, you ask someone how they're doing and they respond with "Good" instead of "Well."

Why not do what every sane person does and just respond, "Fine, thanks." You're right, no one cares how you're really doing, especially after your two-jar-a-day riposte, but can't you give someone a little credit for trying? Isn't it a little much to ask every person you encounter to actually care about you?

Let's face it, the real reason you hate the question is because you wish they would care. But caring doesn't come easy for most people. And the more you act like a nimrod, the less likely they are to care.

So next time someone asks you "What's up?" Simply reply, "The stick up my a**."

Your advice, readers?