PROUD OF MYSELF IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR ABBY: "Heartbroken in Westchester, Pa." (April 9) said she had just broken up with an emotionally abusive man who withheld affection from her because he wanted her to lose weight. She went on to say she was working on her master's in counseling psychology, and couldn't understand why she had tolerated his emotional abuse for nine months. She said she could hear his put-downs over and over, and knew it was self-destructive but couldn't let it go.

Please tell her that the best weight she ever lost was the burden of "Shallow Hal." Unfortunately, I married a man much like him. His favorite pastime was degrading my career choice. (I'm in the military and have been for 19 years.) Your comment, "trying to win an unwinnable man," hit me like a ton of bricks.

Thankfully, I was only with my husband nine months before I came to my senses, but the damage to my self-esteem and trust was severe. I got help through both military and civilian resources, and went on two anti-depressants for depression and insomnia for six months -- enough time to get it through my head that it wasn't my issue, it was his.

Please tell "Heartbroken" there are men out there who will love and appreciate her for who she is, not how much she weighs. -- PROUD OF MYSELF IN SAN ANTONIO

Okay, granted "Shallow Hal" sounds like a real jerk but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that even if "Heartbroken" starved herself down to 90 pounds and started modeling thong underwear, she'd still find a way to get into relationships with guys who treat her like the crap.

In other words, I couldn't disagree with you more.

Some people are just wired for chaos and self-destruction. Take yourself, for instance. Six months of insomnia is how you get back to being healthy after a nine month marriage. Now you can go off and find a new man with a different problem you can try to fix. On the off chance you ever get attracted to a decent, emotionally non-abusive man, you'd be so bored with him that you'd dump him for the first douche bag to cast a judgmental look your direction.

At least both of you dumped these terrible husbands, which tells me you read Jeer Abby regularly. Hopefully now you can realize that "it wasn't my issue, it was his" is a little too easy of an answer. He has his issue, you have your issue. Why is it that your issue is being attracted to guys with his issue is a question you'll need to lose a lot more sleep over.

Your advice, readers?