JIM P., PROMOTION EXPERT IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: "Needs to Be Active" (April 25) wrote that after more than 20 years as a nurse's aide, she feels that no one wants to hire her because she is older. Abby, she does not have an age discrimination problem; she has a marketing and self-promotion problem!

If her experience and abilities are as stated, her skills are in strong demand across the country. People are not "given" jobs -- they have to go after jobs. She should join a local business networking group; visit doctors' offices and leave promotional handouts with her contact information; get to know nurses and staff at hospitals and senior centers and ask for referrals; introduce herself to the H.R. department at large local businesses (where employees frequently need help with ailing parents); call disability insurance companies and learn how to get on their list of recommended home nurses; advertise in the classified ads section of the local paper; and seek help from a business coach or marketing expert. "Needs" has a business problem; she needs a business solution. -- JIM P., PROMOTION EXPERT IN FLORIDA

First of all Jim, is Promotion Expert really your job title? What is the career arc for a Promotion Expert? Do you start off as a Demotion Expert or a Promotion Associate? To what position would a Promotion Expert get promoted to?

Why do I picture you as a Jack Lemmon character in a shoddy tan suit, a flask of whiskey stashed in your desk, always trying to sell people on Proven Methods and Techniques for Achievement while privately contemplating your own suicide?

All of your suggestions seem to come from some pre-Internet version of "What Color is Your Parachute?" that you checked out from the public library and now owe overdue fees. Classified ads in the local paper? Local business networking group? How is it that a Promotion Expert is totally unaware of the existence of the Internet?

Unless you left out any mention of the Internet because you thought some old nurse isn't going to understand newfangled technology? Maybe this elderly, decrepit nurse has a point about age discrimination after all. If she ever gets a chance, I hope she performs on prostate exam on you with her gnarled, arthritic hands.

Your advice, readers?