LOUISE IN DES MOINES

DEAR ABBY: I was married to my childhood sweetheart, "Dexter," for 13 years. Only the first five were happy. The rest were spent trying to adjust to his alcoholism and make excuses for why he drinks.

We have two children, 12 and 10, whom I love dearly. I finally made the decision to leave when I realized what a poor example Dexter was setting for them.

The problem is, he continually harasses me. He calls constantly and drops over to my apartment without calling. When the kids see their father, they just let him in. If I'm not home, Dexter questions them about who they have seen me with and whatever other information he can pry out of them. My son asks me if it's OK, or what he should say. I have nothing to hide and am not seeing anyone. I told him it's wrong of his father to ask, but if he does then to be honest.

I love Dexter, but I'm so tired and emotionally drained I don't know what to do. I feel this tremendous responsibility for him, and I don't know where it comes from. He was always the dominant one in our relationship. I never even decorated our home because he picked everything out on the pretense of "surprising" me.

I give Dexter money when he asks for it, even though I have the children and he isn't supporting us. I'm in the process of filing for child support, but feel guilty doing it -- like he is going to suffer because I'll be taking money from him. He has a full-time job, so there's no reason why he shouldn't take care of our children. Why do I feel like I'm abandoning him? -- LOUISE IN DES MOINES

This is why marrying your childhood sweetheart is a bad idea.

My question is: why do you feel guilty for doing everything right? That sense of responsibility to him is what's causing you all your problems. And I'm sure Dexter knows how to tap into some childhood memories in a way that makes you feel like you're the one abondoning him.

If you met Dexter last year, you'd run screaming and wouldn't let your children near him. Just because you used to have the same second grade teacher and he put a frog in your desk--or whatever--doesn't mean you owe him anything. Kiss those fantasies of having married your childhood sweetheart behind. There isn't going to be a magical movie ending where he realizes his family is more important than alcohol so he cleans up and everyone is even more happy having survived a test of your love.

The only happy ending here is when Dexter starts kicking in for some child support.

Your advice, readers?