RICHARD IN CORSICANA, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My dad's first wife, "Peggy," got pregnant while he was overseas in World War II. When he came home, he divorced her and tried without success to get custody of their two kids. Peggy went on to have three more kids out of wedlock with three different men. She had sex in front of the kids, misspent their child support money -- you name it. She also put Dad's name on all of their birth certificates.

All of this came out when Dad sued her over child support, and it's recorded in court transcripts. Peggy told all the kids that he was their dad, turned his own two kids against him and generally made his life hell.

Dad married my mom after his divorce and was a great husband and father up until his death. I recently found out that the illegitimate kids have been using my dad's name to establish false legitimacy and respectability all their lives. Should I confront them and ask them to stop? Their mother died last year. -- RICHARD IN CORSICANA, TEXAS

WTF? Is this a re-printed column from last century? Not just the whole World War II time frame, but "false legitimacy and respectability"? Should they live lives of shame because their mother got knocked up by a bunch of guys--your dad included? You want to penalize people for the crime of being born out of wedlock?

Let me break this down for you Richard (may I call you Dick?). World War II was a friggin' long time ago. The little baby boom your dad's first wife had most likely took place in the 40's or 50's. That puts these "illegitimate kids" somewhere shy of retirement age.

Instead of being such a Richard about it, why not just open a phone book and look at all the people who have the same last name as you (I'd request you google it, but you seem more like a Yellow Pages type guy).

Quit trying to turn your life into some sort of epic Shakespearean drama about a fight for legitimacy. Don't forget that you're only hearing one side of the story. Just because your dad said a bunch of things that ended up in court transcripts, doesn't mean those things happened.

Leave these people alone, or better yet, start golfing with them. If you really want to punish them for capitalizing on your father's precious name, just force them to spend a few hours with his legitimate offspring--who also happens to be 100% bastard.

Your advice, readers?