UNDER A MICROSCOPE IN FLORIDA

DEAR ABBY: One of my female co-workers regularly scrutinizes the wardrobe and accessories of all the other co-workers, male and female. Her scrutiny is so detailed that she notices the littlest thing -- even a change in nail polish color, or the buttons on a jacket.

Every time she sees some new clothing or jewelry, she moves in for a closer look and often touches the item. Her comments are not casual, but very detailed. I feel like I am in the army and going through uniform inspection and that she is constantly judging everyone.

Another co-worker has commented to me about this in a joking way, but I suspect she resents it, too. I want to say something to the offending co-worker so that she will stop examining me from head to toe every day. On the other hand, it's a small office and I want to maintain harmony. Any ideas? -- UNDER A MICROSCOPE IN FLORIDA

Your first problem is that you're trying to maintain harmony in an office environment. Office life depends on petty battles like this to make it interesting.

The easiest thing to do is to turn the tables on her. Start noticing things to point out on her wardrobe and accessories. Touch her. Move in close and stay close for longer than seems comfortable. Suggest a few accessories you'd like to see her wear. Mention that you had a dream last night where she was wearing that same exact outfit and then add, "But then it got a little weird. I shouldn't be telling you this." Or when she's the last one to come into the conference room for a meeting, ask her if she's wearing a g-string of simply not wearing any underwear at all.

Another option would be to go a jeweler and purchase a cheap necklace or brooch and have it engraved in tiny letters that say, "By reading this, you are officially violating my personal space." Or simply, "Back off, bitch."

Ideally, whatever action you choose, you will be able to turn the whole office against her. Thus restoring true office harmony.

Your advice, readers?

FURIOUS IN VANCOUVER, WASH.

DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Dustin," has finally decided to marry his live-in girlfriend of four years, "Cameron." They are now planning their wedding, which will take place in four months.

My mother has just informed me that Dustin and Cameron have decided that their wedding will be "adults only" except for Dustin's son. (The boy is 8.) Abby, my brother didn't even have the courage to call me up and inform me of this.

I feel that since it will be an informal, small family event -- fewer than 20 people -- my two children should be allowed to attend. (They are 8 and 3.) Am I being unreasonable? I feel if there is a "no kids" rule, then there should be no kids -- period.

My husband has refused to attend unless our children are included. Should I go alone or not attend? -- FURIOUS IN VANCOUVER, WASH.

You think your brother didn't have the "courage" to call you? No, he's wisely avoiding yet another earful of judgment from his sister who barely registers emotion that he's "finally" marrying his "live-in girlfriend." Couldn't you just say "girlfriend"? That "live-in" part is so transparently judgmental.

I'm sure you've absolutely grilled him over the fact that he's not married to the mother of his son too.

Your kids are 8 and 3? Trust me, they don't want to attend a wedding. They might beg to go and cry because you're not bringing them, but no one enjoys wedding ceremonies--why should small children be the exception?

Your husband is refusing to attend, secretly hoping that the rule is inflexible and he can appear to courageously stand by his principles and babysit the kids. Clearly he doesn't want to attend the wedding either and will make up some blustery moral outrage to avoid going. Congratulations, you're feeding into it instead of demanding your husband act like an adult.

You ask if you should go alone or not at all. My advice is to do your brother a huge favor and stay home with your childish husband and your kids who would rather not be there anyway. Think of it as a much appreciated wedding gift to your brother.

Your advice, readers?

MS. "D" IN GARLAND, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: My thanks to "Lauren in Cave Creek, Ariz." (March 19) for raising the subject of concert etiquette. It's one of those awkward subjects because everyone knows there is a proper way to do it, but no one knows what the proper way is.

When attending a concert, look carefully at your program. Often it will indicate where to clap. If not, determine how the musical pieces are arranged. Are they in sets of two or three pieces? If so, clap after the set is completed, NOT after each individual piece. The pieces in a set were arranged to flow one into the other. Clapping breaks the flow and mood the composer was trying to convey.

And while we're on the subject of concert manners: As a musician and music teacher, I attend many concerts every year, and I'm appalled at the number of people who talk in the middle of a musical number. Whispering to your neighbor between pieces is fine, but talking during a musical number at a concert or dance recital (or during an act of a play or musical) is a big no-no! Please get the word out, Abby. This is something everyone should know. -- MS. "D" IN GARLAND, TEXAS

Oh, Ms. "D", thank you for giving people one more reason not to attend any sort of performing arts. It's bad enough most people aren't sure if they'll enjoy classical music concerts, but knowing that they'll be surrounded by judgmental prigs like yourself is sure to keep them away.

Also, since all those guys like Beethoven, Mozart and whoever wrote "Kill the Wabbit" are dead, I don't think they'll mind if someone "breaks the flow and mood" of their "pieces." Weren't they playing those songs on clavichords in royal parlors wearing powdered wigs? Times have changed. Don't start waving the self-righteous banner of propriety just because an audience wants to show the performers they're enjoying themselves.

But I think you're more concerned with the properly smug way to appreciate music than the actual music itself. So please keep driving people away with your etiquette lessons for the Neanderthals in the seat next to you. You'll have your dream world where no one claps or talks at your concerts because no one but snobs like you will be there to "appreciate" it.

I'm sure all the dead composers and unemployed musicians will appreciate your vigilance for the arts.

Your advice, readers?

PROUD MOM IN HOUSTON

DEAR ABBY: My youngest son was married in Las Vegas five weeks ago. We told him and his wife that we'd have the wedding reception at our home, and we're planning to do so.

At this same time, my husband and I have bought a new home, and we'd like to share it with our friends as well. We would like to do both on the same day.

I want to convey to our guests that no gifts are expected for the reception, as many do not know my son, and at our age, no housewarming gift is needed either. How do I tactfully let them know this, and is it all right to do both parties on the same day and make it casual with outside eating? -- PROUD MOM IN HOUSTON

It's just this type of overbearing mothering that made your son run off to Vegas to avoid letting you dictate the terms of his wedding. Fortunately for you, you can now force him to have a reception at your house where his matrimonial union can take backseat to showing off your new house. The fact that your son doesn't know any of these people highlights your self-centered, controlling parenting style.

Hey, why not make the whole day about you? Maybe you could force your son and new daughter-in-law to give guided tours of your new home. Or they could serve drinks at the bar.

What are you more proud of, your son or your new house?

I think it's totally appropriate to have both events on the same day. Not only will everyone be uneasy trying to figure out exactly what event they're attending, they'll have to figure out which event to bring gifts for. No matter how tactfully (and I'm sure you're full of tact) you mention not to bring gifts, most sane people will bring a wedding gift to a wedding reception, regardless of how well they know the couple. That's the arrangement: you provide free food and hopefully free booze, they give the newlyweds a set of glass tumblers from Crate and Barrel.

So if you're having a reception AND housewarming, they'll feel awkward just bringing a wedding gift and will also get a little knick-knack for the house. Which, come to think of it, is probably exactly what you're hoping for. Methinks the Proud Mom protests a tad bit too much.

Lastly, "casual with outside eating" sounds like something you'd read in the craigslist personals. You live in Texas, just call it a barbecue.

Your advice, readers?

DAVE IN MARSHALL, WIS.

Like "Fine, Thank You in Gastonia, N.C." (March 23), I, too, was annoyed when people greeted me with the mindless, "How are you?" "How ya doin'?" etc., which required me to respond to someone who clearly had no interest in a real response. (I understand their feigned interest is more automatic than rude.)

So, I make a game of it. Unlike the greeter who blurts out the salutation without thinking, I listen and am prepared with several responses. For "How ya doin'?" I answer, "Not so good. My wife and oldest son and I just got out of three months in rehab for peanut butter addiction. I was a two-jar-a-day man myself. My boy had it even worse -- three jars of the hard stuff, crunchy!"

When asked, "What's up?" I'm inclined to respond, "My blood pressure, cholesterol and body mass index!" -- DAVE IN MARSHALL, WIS.

Oh, Dave, you must be a riot at the checkout stand at the grocery store! I'd love to get stuck behind you in line at Starbucks just to hear your hilarious repartee with those rude imbeciles who have the audacity to informally ask how you're doing. But you've outsmarted them! Peanut butter addiction! That'll show 'em.

I think it's safe to classify you as a total douche bag, but a rare breed of douche bag that actually thinks he's somehow enlightening those around him by pointing out their unsophisticated shortcomings. I'm sure you also have some side-splitting comebacks when someone uses "Can I..?" instead of "May I..?" Or when, hypocritically, you ask someone how they're doing and they respond with "Good" instead of "Well."

Why not do what every sane person does and just respond, "Fine, thanks." You're right, no one cares how you're really doing, especially after your two-jar-a-day riposte, but can't you give someone a little credit for trying? Isn't it a little much to ask every person you encounter to actually care about you?

Let's face it, the real reason you hate the question is because you wish they would care. But caring doesn't come easy for most people. And the more you act like a nimrod, the less likely they are to care.

So next time someone asks you "What's up?" Simply reply, "The stick up my a**."

Your advice, readers?

RACHEL IN PHILADELPHIA

A couple of weeks ago, some friends and I visited a family friend's niece who had recently had a baby girl. While we were visiting, we noticed that the baby was hungry.

Being a good mom, the new mother unbuttoned her shirt, took off her bra, and breast-fed the baby right in front of us. Abby, was it right or wrong of her to expose her breasts in front of visitors when breast-feeding the child? -- RACHEL IN PHILADELPHIA

Why is it that some people associate any type of nakedness with lewdness? As if a mom breastfeeding in her home is the same thing as some creepy guy flashing his johnson to kids in the park. It's not like this mom was flashing her vagina at you to show where the baby came out.

So your poor eyes had to see a set of naked breasts. Wasn't there time to avert your eyes sometime during the unbuttoning of the shirt and removal of the bra? It's not like you had to stare--actually, it might be a bit creepy if you did.

Clearly the mom was comfortable breastfeeding among family friends. If you were uneasy, look the other way, go help out in the kitchen, or make some sort of comment to make the breastfeeding mother self-conscious. Something like, "Wow, those jugs look like they'd have plenty/not much milk in them." Or, "What's your estimate on the number of ounces of milk per mammary?" And if you really want to make sure it never happens again, simply take the seat next to the mother and say in a very ambiguous tone: "I've always wondered what breast milk tastes like..."

Your advice, readers?

MAUREEN IN WEST CHICAGO

I couldn't help but add my two cents to the letter you printed from "Hungry in Madison Heights, Mich." (March 2), about the supervisor who stole everyone's food, candy, etc.

At my job, we had the same problem. "Dan" would open people's drawers and eat whatever he found, too. He would even go into lunch bags. It didn't matter if you were sitting there or not -- if it was food, he was into it!

One day a man who worked with him opened his desk drawer and realized that a tiny field mouse had gnawed through the wrapper of his candy bar and eaten part of it. He took the bar out of his desk and left it sitting there while he went to find someone to take care of the mouse. While he was gone, Dan entered his office, saw the candy, and took and ate it! Everyone except me was upset about him eating something that a mouse had nibbled. I was glad! Needless to say, Dan never took what wasn't his again. -- MAUREEN IN WEST CHICAGO

DEAR MAUREEN:

Wheeeeee! Take that "Dan"! Maureen, your life sounds full of wacky sitcom moments where pesky co-workers are taught humbling lessons from simple field mice. You're like a modern day office Aesop.

I'm sure you've told this story so many times now that it bears little resemblance to actual events. My guess is that "Dan" really did steal food from the break room refridgerator a few times and that a different co-worker probably had a candy bar eaten by a rat (field mice live in fields, Maureen).

But it's hard to believe "Dan" was such an a-hole that he would start gnawing on a half-eaten candy bar. I'm sure everyone joked that they should trick Dan into eating it--and maybe they did in some other prankish way--but it all sounds a little too easy the way you tell it. I just have a hard time believing that "Needless to say, Dan never took what wasn't his again." Because if he went back to stealing candy and pudding cups the next day, as I'm sure he did, your story's moral lesson is shot to hell.

You may think Dan is a total a-hole who steals other people's lunches and takes candy off desks. I think you love office gossip and making up moralistic stories because that's much easier than confronting Dan and telling him to knock that s--t off. You deserve to lose every Milky Way bar Dan plucks from your gossipy lips.

Your advice, readers?

FARMER'S WIFE IN KANSAS

I had to write after reading the letter from "Ready to Serve in New Hampshire" (Feb. 23), who felt compelled to delay her dinner party when her guests brought fresh vegetables from their garden.

My husband's summer hobby is a large vegetable garden, and he, too, enjoys giving away the fruits of his labor. When we are invited to dine with friends, he also brings a gift of his wonderful vegetables. But in no way does he expect our hosts to prepare them for us. They are intended for the family to enjoy at future meals.

I doubt that "Ready's" guests intended for her to cook those veggies, either. She should have thanked them and stored their gift for future dining. -- FARMER'S WIFE IN KANSAS

DEAR FARMER'S WIFE:

I think you're missing the real reason she decided to put dinner on hold. Obviously she did not want to force her family to eat vegetables that some non-farmer had grown in their garden. While the idea of growing your own food and sharing your bounty with friends is a concept full of hearty, self-reliant goodness--not everyone sees it that way.

How exactly were these veggies fertilized? By her guest's two golden retrievers? The neighborhood skunk? Are there baby slugs hidden within the layers of lettuce? Was her guest's garden box made of treated wood, leaking arsenic into the soil?

I agree the host shouldn't have prepared the veggies which forced her guests to consume them out of politeness. Perhaps she was trying to get even with her sniping, small-minded friends who complain that their painstakingly prepared food was served a few minutes behind schedule.

It would have been easier to graciously thank the guest, then shove the suspect produce down the garbage disposal, preferrably after all the guests had gone home.

Your advice, readers?